To speak openly, sincerely, for real… If we strive for this, then there is no reason to hide our feelings, even if they are heavy: fear, anger, sadness. But what to do if emotions cover us with a head? For starters, you just need to … shut up.
A lump in the throat, a chill on the back, eyes sting from the oncoming tears … How to tell the boss that you can’t cope? Confess to your loved one that you are afraid of losing him? At the peak of emotions, it is not easy to make such confessions. But strangely enough, emotions are needed to protect us: they come to the rescue when we are faced with what we cannot bear. As a result, we react in one of three ways: run away, attack, or give up.
It is clear that on the crest of experiences it is absolutely impossible to take a step back and, looking at the situation from the outside, speak clearly and thoughtfully. “Those who tell the truth experience tremendous stress,” says existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “Usually, he is well aware that he will now hear how much his message can unsettle the other. Very often, the response is aggression, and this is more of a natural reaction. But if the interlocutor remained calm, only slightly changed in his face … Most likely, he was not ready for the truth that was told to him, did not know what to do with it, and could neither assimilate it nor use it.
Therefore, no matter how bad and scary we may be, we have no right to bring down our feelings on another. We think we are behaving naturally, in proportion to the situation, but others are puzzled, perhaps frightened, and do not understand what we are trying to say. But we know that emotions cannot be ignored: if they are not given enough attention, they will bring us even more trouble. That is why it is worth trying to understand your emotions, and only then start a conversation. It is good if, before uttering important words, you can take a break and sort out the flow of experiences that has captured you.
We can’t choose our emotions, but we can hear what they say about us.
“Emotions give us the most important information about ourselves: when something hurts us, it is important to figure out what this feeling is talking about,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. “It is necessary to distinguish: what shocked me so much now is connected with my previous experience, experiences from the past, or concerns the situation itself?”
If you can’t keep silent, you can try to speak as little as possible and only to the point. It is better to limit yourself to “I-statements” in order to convey your feelings without blaming the other. Describe the situation from yourself (“When I was waiting for you to return from work…”), name your feelings (“…I was sad and lonely”) and make a request in the form of a question (“Can you call next time?”). If such a conversation is not enough, try to wait a few hours to speak more coherently and calmly.
“You can try to start not with a message, but with a question,” advises Svetlana Krivtsova. – For example: “You probably guess why I’m calling you?” It may very well be that the person himself will tell you everything: “Of course, I understand what is at stake.” We cannot choose our emotions, but we can hear what they have to say about us. By accepting them, satisfying the needs they indicate, or even finding unexpected advantages in them, we can gradually learn to get along with them. And then we will build any difficult conversation differently.
Fear
“He warns us of a threat and helps us behave as circumstances require, without turning on the intellect, a very slow machine,” says family therapist Varvara Sidorova. “At every job interview, I panic,” says 25-year-old Julia. “Instead of openly talking about myself, my intentions, I start to stutter, get lost and almost cease to understand what they ask me about.” The family therapist explains: “Constructive fear always spurs action. We don’t know yet what we will have to do – run or attack – but we will need the muscles in any case.
Without understanding the causes of fear (better to do it later), try to find something that calms you right now. If you are paralyzed by the look of another person or the intonation with which he asks questions, try to find a fulcrum with your eyes. Look at the swaying tree branches outside the window, linger on the pattern of the surface of the wall or table … Pause between sentences to find words that best match the atmosphere, your feelings and the subject of conversation.
When the heat of passion subsides, analyze what happened to you. “Usually we intuitively find a way to deal with fear,” says Varvara Sidorova. – Fear can be explored, spoken out, pulled out of the twilight into bright light that which frightens. Another means is to devalue the fear, to find the right scale for it.” It is important to look for something that strengthens our self-confidence so that next time we are less afraid.
Anger
When it is impossible to escape, we feel anger and we ourselves attack the one who threatens us. “Anger indicates that we ourselves are afraid of the truth that we must tell,” comments Svetlana Krivtsova. “Or perhaps we sympathize with someone who has to say something they don’t want to. At the same time, you can be angry at someone else (for example, the boss who delegated authority to you), at yourself, at the situation, and transfer anger to the person to whom the message is intended. A typical picture: “Well, what did you want with your diagnosis and with such analyzes!” As a rule, people are more offended not by what was said, but by how it was said.
If we understand that we can’t do anything, we need to let go of the situation and see how it will develop.
Of course, it’s hard to resist the heat of the moment. And if a person even for a second thinks about how and what he is trying to do, he will no longer break into an interlocutor. The problem is that we get to think about it in hindsight, when it’s too late to change anything. And yet, when anger, anger, aggression recede, it is worth analyzing what can be done about it.
“It is important to figure out exactly who we are angry with – the boss, the country’s leadership, the situation of the global crisis … – suggests Svetlana Krivtsova. – Look at the situation a little wider, taking a step back. If an explanation cannot be found in external conditions, then one must take a risk and look at oneself. And to discover that the matter is, perhaps, only in ourselves. And only in our power to find a way to become stronger.
Sadness
When neither escape nor fight is possible, we try to hide from what threatens us. “And this is one of the most profound reactions: the legs do not go, the tongue does not turn,” comments Svetlana Krivtsova. — Such a big “I can’t” lies at the very depths of existence: “I can’t be.” At best, a person may burst into tears from impotence. And then the tears that interfere with speaking will be useful: they will relieve tension and help you feel yourself again, hear yourself, make contact with yourself, with your being. “Very often in such situations, the person for whom the truth was intended turns out to be stronger,” notes the psychotherapist. “And then he begins to calm down and take care of the one who told him this truth.”
Try to find support in your own body: straighten your shoulders, straighten your back, free your neck. Find a fulcrum for the gaze: the shoulder, forehead of your interlocutor – anything but his gaze, which can intimidate you even more. Saying how you feel (“I-statement”) – this will also help to overcome an emotional crisis. After the situation is resolved, take care of yourself, find activities that nurture, replenish energy and bring pleasure.
“If we understand that we can’t do anything, we need to let go of the situation and see how it will develop,” advises Svetlana Krivtsova. “Don’t leave yourself to your own devices, but take a step back and see: in every situation there are not only limitations, but also opportunities.” Including the opportunity to speak openly, firmly, from the heart.