Reasonable people understand that demanding parenting is necessary, but many people have a justified fear: Will parental demandingness cause a negative result in the long run? There are reasons for concern: it is not uncommon for children, having left parental care and pressure, to go “in all serious ways”. At first glance, this seems logical: exactingness is pressure, pressure causes protest. And when children enter an independent life, they begin to make up for everything that was previously forbidden for them and violate everything that their parents instilled in them.
Yes, it happens that children, having escaped from the parental family, seem to forget what they were taught! They stop making their bed and go unkempt in the morning, they start to go to bed late and wake up late, eat sandwiches on the go and get carried away with TV …
Can this be avoided? — Oh sure. It must be understood that this phenomenon has two different causes.
The first reason for this is not at all the children’s protest, but the lack of mastery of good family traditions and the lack of support children need to stick to their old habits. Children may enjoy family traditions, but without familiar parental guidance, children may not be able to adhere to family rules.
It is known that the inculcation of any skill occurs in three stages. At first, parents teach their children and infect with their example. At the second stage, children do everything under the supervision of an adult who prompts and reminds them how to do it right. And only at the third stage the child performs the necessary actions independently.
While the children are next to their parents, they get up and go to bed on time, because there are parents and there is a familiar family atmosphere, where everything happens in a long-term routine. And when parents leave the lives of children, children are deprived of this atmosphere that organizes them and this support. When children leave their parents, find themselves in a different environment or in the absence of an environment, then no one will remind them that they need to go to bed on time, that they need to do business, there are no those who charge them in the morning for exercises and put them for lessons. And in the absence of an environment that supports and organizes them with its mere presence, the program goes astray, the children do not have enough strength to organize what they did with their parents. They behave differently not because of protest, but because of lack of support. And if an environment is organized that helps them, they accept it with gratitude.
In several families known to me, parents agreed with their children as follows:
“Let’s discuss which of our common family traditions you would like to keep in your life. What time do you think is the right time to go to bed? What time to get up? (and so on all the important points are discussed). Which of these items can you do easily? Where do you think you will fail? (items are discussed). Well, I offer help: every night before going to bed, you send me an SMS, where you boast that you keep the daily routine. Well, you can write good words to me and my mother, we will be glad!
However, in other, more problematic families, there is another reason for the problematic behavior of children after the children gain independence and freedom from parental requirements. If 15-year-old children reluctantly went to brush their teeth at the urging of their parents, then, having left their parents, they will no longer brush their teeth. Why? Yes, that they have been doing this UNWANTINGLY for 15 years.
Let’s decipher: they don’t just go to brush their teeth, but do it with a disgruntled face and internal (or even external) grumbling. They do exercises emphatically lazily and displeasedly … What kind of skill do they actually reproduce and strengthen every day? They daily strengthen the habit of dissatisfaction with brushing their teeth and morning exercises, they reinforce the reluctance to do this daily, day after day they form the habit of not wanting to do it.
If children are fun to command, they don’t mind at all. Children love fun!
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And what to do in such cases? We will give a recipe, but not everyone can use it, but only smart, funny and wise parents. And wise parents do not just send the child to brush their teeth, but make sure that the child does it cheerfully and cheerfully. That is, for the best result, it is necessary not to reduce the demands on the child, but to raise it, expanding it to the requirements of the correct format. And then you will succeed!
In good families, children are proud of their parents, they want to be as smart and strong as their father, and as beautiful and kind as their beloved mother. And all that is required of parents in such families is to be loving, caring and demanding, so that when they grow up, the children say to them: “Thank you, parents! You not only smiled at us, you also taught us.”
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