What to do if your partner is not ready to have a baby

Kelsey, 29, from Kansas City, Missouri, didn’t want to end her long honeymoon. She was married to Aaron for 3 years, during which time they did not even have to take care of indoor plants, it suited her. “I know that someday I will say to myself “it was worth it”, but the thought of the changes that come after the birth of children disturbs me a little. Stress due to the baby, sleepless nights and everything else that will have to change,” she wrote in a blog.

Aaron was ready to have children, but did not try to rush his wife. “When he decided that he wanted to replenish the family, he told me about it, He added that it’s okay if I’m not ready yet. It meant a lot to me, didn’t set any deadlines,” says Kelsey.

His understanding and patience helped her. A year later, having discussed everything many times, they decided to have a child, now their son is almost two years old. This path was relatively easy for them, although Kelsey had to get used to the idea that the childless stage of marriage was a thing of the past.

“Aaron’s patient approach is an example of what to do when you want a baby and your partner isn’t,” says Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Gary Brown. – If you decide to become a parent, this should be discussed from time to time, but not every five minutes. But still, periodically discuss wishes regarding replenishment in the family and terms.

If the partners have decided that they want to start a family, it is better to talk about the timing carefully. Gary Brown and Shannon Chavez, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist and sexologist, advise couples to:

Be open about why you are ready or not to have children

Relationships are an equal partnership, and the path to becoming parents will have to be walked together. Family planning, like other important issues, should be discussed even before marriage (or before moving into a serious stage of a relationship). If you have not done so, talk as soon as possible, but in a casual tone and without any pressure or judgment.

“In the first conversation, give both the opportunity to express their point of view without criticizing or judging each other. Speak openly to clarify any concerns. If you can’t discuss a topic without disputes and quarrels, seek help from a family therapist, ”says Shannon Chavez.

Remember that the partner may be in a hurry for medical reasons

If you want to replenish the family, but not now, do not forget that the partner may be in a hurry due to possible health problems.

“If you are concerned about age or possible infertility, talk to your doctor about what might happen if you decide to wait. Think of egg freezing as a compromise so you can be sure you can have children when you’re ready. Deal with relationship problems before having children,” advises Shannon Chavez.

Think about why you want a child?

Do not rush to give birth just to strengthen the relationship or convince your partner to marry. “You should never make this decision out of desperation (unless the childbearing age is already coming to an end). This is unfair to the partner, he can hold a grudge if he is not ready to become a parent, ”comments Gary Brown.

Don’t Feel Guilty About Taking Your Time

There may be many reasons for you not to rush to take this step. Maybe you are going to change your profession or move, and the child may interfere with your plans. Or you read how much parents spend on children 18 years before they come of age and you want to get on your feet financially. Whatever the reasons, they are important and the partner must respect them.

“A partner who would rather wait can sometimes be forced to agree, pressing on guilt. Be soft on yourself. Guilt should not be the motivation,” says Brown.

You can always find a compromise

You can agree to wait with the child for the sake of a partner who has not yet decided, giving him the opportunity to deal with concerns. Brown advises at least a rough estimate of how long you’ll return to the topic, such as a year or two. Such conversations can feel heavy and stressful. But this can be avoided if you decide that the well-being of your partner is your top priority. “Relationships are the center of family life. Whatever decision you make, remember: the happiness and well-being of the unborn child primarily depends on how strong the marriage will be, ”explains the psychologist.

According to him, the best spouses and parents are people who are willing to wait until they feel that they are completely ready for this role. In his experience, such parents raise happy children.

Source: Huffington Post