Differences in value systems and principles can cause some of the most serious disagreements that any couple can go through, says psychotherapist Suzanne Phillips. What to do if there is disagreement?
Our values are emotional rules that influence the behavior and decisions we make. Our value system can include ethnic, cultural and national norms, moral rules and our personal beliefs about what is important, useful, valuable, beautiful, sacred and good in life (and what, on the contrary, is the opposite of all of the above).
The content of our value system depends on many factors: our personal characteristics, the personal characteristics of our parents, life experiences, and so on.
In most couples, partners get along with each other because they have the same core values. A mismatch of worldviews and beliefs can easily lead to tension and constant stress in a relationship. Since values are associated with certain expectations, conflicts usually arise precisely because of unfulfilled expectations.
Here are a few examples:
• “How can we go on vacation, we need to paint the house!”
• “If you say you believe in God, why don’t you go to church with me?”
• “What difference does it make what dishes we eat from?”
• “In my family the cars were bought by men”.
• “I can’t live like this – knowing we won’t have children.”
Arguments and discussions – even rather heated ones caused by such disagreements – are normal in themselves. A clash of values often helps partners of any age to clarify their own priorities, get to know each other better, learn to respect differences, and work together to develop new, shared values for themselves.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself.
Is there a place in your relationship for two value systems? Family life, in which there is time for both painting the house and going on vacation, symbolizes a relationship in which there is room for the values of both partners.
Are you trying to impose your values on your partner?depriving him of freedom of choice? In matters related to religious beliefs, many people feel that if a partner respects them, then he will not put pressure on them, trying to force them to do something (for example, go to church). Many are even proud that their partners have other values and beliefs that they do not share: “In terms of prayers, this is for my wife”, “Of the two of us, only he loves social activities”, “If you need to find a home for a homeless animal, this is her”.
If something is important to your partner, he is used to it, it brings him joy and at the same time does not interfere with you, can you show respect for this feature of him? Maybe your partner likes some special food, or loves gardening, or has a favorite way to set the table. Often all this enriches your life, which you may not notice.
Is it possible to adjust your values and expectations received in the family, taking into account your current life together with a partner? Perhaps he will always be very religious, or she will always want to go somewhere for the holidays. Both partners can find a compromise, taking some values from what was accepted in the family or national culture, and building a family value system that suits both.
What if your values are so differentthat it will be too hard for you to find a compromise? Realizing that you and your partner’s value system is so different that it’s impossible to maintain a relationship can be very difficult. For example, a woman does not want children, but her husband does. A man wants to tour with a musical group most of the year, and his wife is not ready for such a long separation and does not want to raise children alone.
You can’t share with others what isn’t said
What should these couples do? Most couples want their family to have a place for the dreams and aspirations of both spouses. This is already a common value with which to start discussing possible compromises.
Some partners are so afraid of not being able to reach a compromise that they endlessly put off any discussion of diverging values and harbor resentment against each other, which gradually destroys the relationship. You cannot share with others what is not said.
Finally, some couples realize that their values are so incompatible that compromise and continuation of the relationship is simply impossible. If you cannot cope with this problem on your own, you can always seek the help of a professional psychologist.
Few of us marry a person who is like two peas in a pod like us, so most couples find it difficult at times to find a balance between the personal values of each spouse and their shared dreams and aspirations.
But if you are ready to accept differences and build a family life by learning to combine the values uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthat are dear to each of you, go ahead!
About the Author: Suzanne Phillips is a psychotherapist with 25 years of experience and an adjunct professor at Long Island University, New York.