What to do if your boss is trying to manipulate you

Is the boss yelling at you, throwing reports at you, openly criticizing your style of dress and personality? This happens. We are worried, we are offended, but we know exactly how the boss treats us. Another thing is when you do not understand what they want from you and how they actually treat you.

Check to see if you are the victim of hidden manipulations by your boss. Here are some features to help you. So the manipulation is always:

• turns out to be a means to an end you don’t know. If you ask why the boss makes offensive jokes, he will answer: “Do not be offended, it just became funny.”
• disguises itself as something pleasant, such as caring;
• harms the one it is aimed at. It is not easy to recognize it, therefore it is difficult to understand what needs to be fought;
• occurs according to the script of the manipulator. He has a goal and a plan, and if he is talented, you yourself will not notice how you find yourself where he leads you.

If you understand that the manager’s concern is somehow insincere and looks great like an insult, if the situation is becoming more and more unfavorable for you and you don’t even really understand why you obey the boss and agree with him in everything, it’s most likely time to then undertake.

Why is the boss behaving like this?

There can be many reasons. For example, a leader wants to break your resistance, make you afraid, or even rise above your background. As a result, he seems to take the position of the main, senior: first he offends, then he praises, then he offends again … You don’t know what to expect, and you try with all your might to earn praise.

Some bosses believe that a close-knit team of subordinates is a big risk for the boss. They spread rumors, set employees against each other, limit communication in the team, forbid helping each other, and at meetings in front of everyone they can humiliate one of the subordinates.

In a word, they operate on the principle of “divide and conquer.” It seems to them that disparate team members are easier to manage.

If you suspect manipulation, ask yourself a few questions: “Do I like what is happening now?” “Is it harming me?” If you answered “no” to the first question and “yes” to the second and third questions, you are being manipulated.

How to stop boss manipulation

To begin with, try to solve the problem peacefully – ask the boss not to joke with you, not to humiliate you in front of everyone. Suddenly you made a mistake and this is not manipulation? Suddenly a person does not notice how he offends you?

If the boss, in response to a request, once again ridiculed you (“You are so sensitive!”), You can be sure: your boss is a manipulator. An honest conversation with him will work, so you need to act decisively. What to do?

1. Expose manipulation. Say that the jokes no longer work, that you understand everything, and ask the boss to find another object for manipulation.
2. Expand the purpose of the manipulator. Reveal the intentions of the manipulator, say that he will not be able to suppress you, humiliate you, even if he does not try.
3. Break the script. Usually, we are expected to react in a stereotyped way – insults or counterattacks. But that won’t help matters. You should not even start making excuses and try to dance to the tune of the manipulator. Do what is not expected of you – now let the manipulator puzzle over what to do with it. Answer with the most ridiculous or kind joke, repeat his remark word for word with a serious look – surprise yourself and him!

Probably, any of the options will lead to open conflict. But which is better: to allow yourself to be manipulated or to act tough once, but make yourself respected?

What to do, if…

1. You are insulted

If you are called names, you have the right to immediately answer, and no one will consider such a reaction strange. But the manipulator needs to insult you in such a way that everyone else considers his words a funny joke. He will give you a degrading nickname, start to allow familiarity. You will laugh with everyone or remain silent, hiding irritation or resentment, and allow you to secure a new offensive name.

To prevent this from happening, stop bullying right away. For example, they say to you: “You’re late, can you come normally at least once?” Answer: “I’m rarely late, don’t talk to me like that, it’s unpleasant.” Softer version: “I understand that you say this in a joking and loving way, but I have no sense of humor. Please don’t do that.”

Excuses or retaliatory attacks are expected from you. But you can answer with a joke and bring it to the point of absurdity, thereby breaking the script: “You say that I am always late. You haven’t seen how I cook cabbage soup yet – it’s an almost endless story! ”

2. You are judged, not your work.

The manipulator wants to prove to you and others that you are not an expert, while talking not about your project, but about you as a person: “How can an employee who is not even on social networks talk about modern advertising campaigns?”

The manipulator unmistakably identifies your weak spot and hits on it, although the argument that he makes is imaginary: in fact, this says nothing about your working qualities. You are offended and want to either justify yourself or counterattack.

You can answer: “How does the fact that I’m not on social media have anything to do with my ability to manage advertising campaigns?” Or: “If I register on social networks, I can talk about modern advertising campaigns?” This will confuse the manipulator and show others that he is illogical.

3. Discuss your personal life

For example, they say to you: “I understand why nothing is going well with your family. With your infantilism!” It looks like caring, but only at first glance: this phrase contains a serious insult.

To break the script, you can say: “You’re right – I’m childish. Let someone else do my job then. Say, more adult Ivan Ivanovich. Or more seriously: “I respect you, but you shouldn’t discuss my family. And I’m ready to talk about my infantilism in my work.”

The longer you do not resist manipulation, the more difficult it is to stop it later. That is why it is worth recognizing them in the early stages and giving an immediate rebuff.