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You drive slowly down the street, looking for the right house number. The vehicle behind you starts beeping furiously. What is your reaction? If a colleague cancels an appointment at the last moment, many feel hurt and offended. You too? Then these tips will help you.
Imagine the situation: you invited a friend to the cinema, but she refused, citing workload. The next day, you go to social media and see that she had dinner with friends the previous evening.
Or, for example, you worked hard on a project for a long time and are quite satisfied with the result, but you hear only criticism addressed to you. Arriving home, you begin to tell your partner about what happened, when you suddenly notice that he is looking at his phone or clicking the TV remote control. Well, how can you not be upset here – you were hurt, betrayed, neglected …
In such situations, we experience a whole range of negative feelings and blame the other person for this – they made us feel this way. According to coach Frederic Imbo, at the same time, the ego speaks in us – it does not like it when we are criticized, it is sure that others should always take us into account and appreciate. And when our ego behaves like this, it is tiring.
It would be much easier to stop taking everything personally. So we would cease to be emotionally dependent on others, find harmony with ourselves and with others, and be able to move forward without getting irritated or upset in vain. But how can this be achieved? The coach offers two proven methods.
Method one: understand that it’s not about you
When the interlocutor looks at the phone, we perceive it as a personal insult – we need attention and respect. But what if you look at the situation through the eyes of the other side? Why is this person looking at the phone? Perhaps he received an important message that he had been waiting for so long, or maybe he opens his notes to clarify something with us.
By shifting the focus from “I” to “we”, you can calm down, fill with interest and understanding instead of irritation. After all, how do you feel when the little kid you’re trying to get off the playground throws himself on the ground and yells, “I hate you!”? Do you take it personally? Hardly – you understand that he, having not received what he wants, simply expresses his emotions as best he can, which means that it’s not about you.
In a word, you should always try to clarify the intentions of the interlocutor. Of course, easier said than done. Let’s say you see how colleagues, looking at you, start to giggle. What is your first reaction? Most likely: “They gossip about me!” or “They’re definitely laughing at me!” It will take an effort to stop yourself and say: calmly, in fact, I have no idea what they are talking about and what they are thinking; It probably has nothing to do with me.
It takes hard work to learn how to react like this automatically. But what if no efforts help and it really is you?
Method two: show empathy for yourself or give yourself the opportunity to speak
Let’s go back to the example of the driver who started horning you angrily. Perhaps his anger is justified: you were driving too slowly, and he was in a hurry. Realizing that what happened is your fault, you may experience guilt and shame. Try to empathize with yourself and acknowledge your feelings: confusion, shame, sadness. Admit to yourself that being wrong is very unpleasant.
Sometimes it’s good to speak up. For example, if a friend is on their phone, you could say, “I’m sharing something very important with you, and when you don’t look up at me, I get the impression that you don’t care.” It is important to talk about your feelings without blaming the other person.
If you show your vulnerability rather than your hurt, you are more likely to be heard and continue to take your feelings seriously. Try these two strategies over the next few days or even weeks and track the results.