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It seems that after the divorce, all the problems are left behind and the former spouses feel relieved. However, after signing the divorce papers, many suddenly begin to miss their partner. Happy moments of life together come to mind, and the decision to break off the relationship seems like a mistake. Together with experts, we analyze the situation in which divorced couples often find themselves.
Lucas McCord, family and interpersonal relationship coach
Face the truth. There were already contradictions between you that led to a break, they will not go away by themselves. Try talking about new experiences with a close friend or counselor. By voicing feelings and emotions, you can streamline them and treat the situation more rationally.
If you do decide to return the relationship, make sure that the partner wants the same and you are not wishful thinking. It is necessary that both parties not only go towards each other, succumbing to feelings, but soberly realize what brought their couple to the breaking point. Are you both willing to work to get over what happened? Are they able to come to terms with the features of a partner that they previously did not accept, and how far are they willing to go in compromise?
Attempts to idealize relationships lead to a trap. The feeling of loss and longing for the best that was between you is natural, especially if you have children. The uncertainty of the future is frightening, because no one guarantees that the trials associated with divorce are behind us, and only the best lies ahead. If you left the family, then you begin to miss the children, the predictability and orderliness of life.
Don’t get caught up in the fantasy that everything can be easily changed. Embellishing the past is often driven by the pain you inevitably feel when going through a divorce. You yearn for a partner, and it seems that this is enough to start over. At first, you will experience a state of euphoria. However, if you are not willing to honestly admit what ruined the relationship, you will soon find yourself in the same situation.
Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist
The psyche, experiencing shocks like divorce, goes through several stages: shock and denial, guilt and resentment, anger, sadness and despair, acceptance and construction of a new picture of the world. On some of them there is a danger of getting stuck and turning back. For example, during a period of shock and denial, people stop believing in what happened, wait for their partner back, continue to wear a wedding ring and hide the divorce from their relatives. The denial of reality protects from pain, and the return is perceived as salvation.
People are especially vulnerable at the stage of despair. They are overcome by thoughts that they will not be able to create new relationships and the good times are gone forever. Returning to a partner in this state seems like a welcome release from the fear of the unknown, a way out of suffering. In fact, this is a rejection of development and internal healing.
The desire to return the relationship can provoke any unfinished feeling. Especially in this regard, situations are painful when the decision is made by one of the partners, and the second is put before the fact. Then, under the desire to return the former spouse or spouse, there may be a need to tell him about feelings, to protest.
It will be psychologically easier to start over with a new partner.
The stories end differently. For example, one spouse, with incredible efforts, returns the other and initiates a second divorce a few years later (a clever manipulation to save the offended pride and strike back). Or a wife divorces her husband because of his irritating habits and mannerisms, but comes back realizing that her little daughter is doing the same thing. The girl had no chance to learn this, which means that her father did all this not from evil. There is a reassessment of the partner’s value, changes towards respect and acceptance.
It is worth considering the properties of the brain. Its structures, inherited from mammals in the process of evolution, are constantly exploring the field around: is enough done for our own survival and the preservation of offspring? How high is the position in the pack hierarchy and will there be enough resources? This often gives rise to unconscious anxiety, which, as a rule, has no real basis. There is housing, food, income and support. But for the mammalian brain, the loss of a spouse is a real threat, and it begins to actively inform us about this. It is very important not to panic, but to carefully understand the feelings and correct them.
Successful returns after divorce are extremely rare. Divorce is a consequence of a relationship crisis and a painful stage of growing up. Even if you learn all the lessons, it will be psychologically easier to start over with a new partner, and not with someone with whom you have experienced the pain of misunderstanding.