Contents
Hello dear blog readers. Today I want to talk about the psychological characteristics that do not allow you to feel free in a relationship, make you constantly squeeze your own boundaries and lead to suffering. This is the syndrome of the victim, which manifests itself not only in close intimate relationships, but also in other situations. In this article, we will analyze in detail the signs and causes of this phenomenon, as well as the possible negative consequences and ways to get rid of this harmful behavioral strategy.
Causes of the syndrome
Both the aggressive attitude of those around him and the deliberate development of complexes by himself can make an eternal victim out of a person. But it is formed only on the condition that the personality itself contributes to the consolidation of this manner of communication.
Psychology identifies a number of reasons that make a person choose self-destructive behavior when interacting with others:
Detstvo
Peculiarities of upbringing and attitudes in childhood as the main shaping factor of the sacrificial position. In relationships with parents and immediate family, a basic script is laid at an early age. It is then projected onto all further interactions of the individual with people.
This includes education and upbringing systems. This is especially true for the post-Soviet space, where the needs of a person, his desires and problems are practically not taken into account. Propaganda of the idea that the correct and beloved child is quiet, obedient and does not bring problems, makes parents in an authoritarian form convey to the fragile child’s psyche that his desires are always secondary, and behavior should be the main vector of satisfying the requirements of others.
The uneven distribution of attention and the allocation of favorites among children form a position in which the child does not feel that he can be loved just like that, in fact of his existence. When brought up in such families, the child gets used to the fact that he and his needs are not important. And in order to earn love, it is necessary to make super efforts.
Children’s environment
Relationships in a peer group can form low self-esteem and a feeling of constant expectation of psychological or physical abuse. This often happens if the child is somehow different from the majority. They begin to tease him and mock him in every possible way.
Since a person does not know another relationship, in adulthood he will constantly expect a catch. And sometimes unknowingly provoke aggression in his address.
Family
The family scenario implies the transfer of sacrifice by inheritance. Noticing how a parent of the same sex with a child does not value himself, is subjected to humiliation and insults from the family, the baby assigns this experience as the only possible one.
This leads to the fact that the girl falls in love only with someone who has authoritarian and violent traits, like her father. The guy chooses a cold and indifferent companion, like a mother. The scenario is repeated because people have no other examples of life.
It cannot be said that only the above factors lead to the state of the victim, but they are the most common and conducive to the easier formation of other types of disorders. For example, the Stockholm syndrome (when the victims of terrorists go over to their side and begin to protect their offenders). Such a syndrome can form in almost the entire group of hostages. But most of all in those who have a predisposition since childhood.
The Benefits and Benefits of Being a Victim
Not a single scenario of behavior is fixed for a long time if it does not bring a benefit to a person, even if it is imperceptible at first sight. Similarly, being a victim is bad only from the side of the observer, but in fact there are many positive aspects in this state:
- The ability to take full responsibility for one’s own life. Any failures and blunders are easily attributed to the one whom the person loves or under whose influence he fell. Remember people who justify the lack of their development by prohibitions of the second half or failure at work by a bad team. It turns out a very convenient picture of the world, where the person himself is good and successful, only the world around him in every possible way prevents him from realizing his enormous potential.
- The presence of constant support in the form of advice, assistance, sympathy. The more trouble a person is in, the more his relatives try to help him. Many successfully use their unhappiness to significantly relieve their to-do list. Even if someone from the environment realized that helping is pointless and the person himself does not want to get out of trouble, there will always be new empathizers and helpers. And the one who stopped the rescue operation will be recognized as a soulless enemy.
- Convenient for manipulation. The offended person can put pressure on the guilt of the aggressor. In such cases, the husband, who yelled at his wife in the evening or hit her, brings her gifts in the morning and fulfills all her whims all day long. Witnesses of inappropriate treatment of certain people out of pity can sponsor them financially or invest their time in solving their problems.
In any of the options, the benefit of the position of the victim always exists. Those who do not receive any moral or material compensation for their suffering simply break off such relationships. And people who, for some reason, find it easier to hide behind the backs of others, will not only tolerate, but also independently provoke aggressive behavior against them.
path of healing
So, let’s move on to practical information that will show how to get rid of the victim syndrome.
The first step is to recognize the problem and accept your share of responsibility for what is happening. The best way out of this situation is, of course, individual psychotherapy. But since it is not available to everyone, you need to start moving towards a new life on your own.
It is necessary to increase the level of awareness and control of one’s own thoughts, to move the importance of one’s feelings to the first place. Here it is good to think about your desires and what it is worth fulfilling them for.
Before taking any action, it is important to slow down and listen to yourself in order to understand why you are going to do it:
- because you yourself want it and it will benefit you;
- in this way you are trying to please someone;
- your actions will provide an opportunity to receive approval, help, sympathy from others.
Even in a relationship with a man, you need to become a little selfish. That means:
- say “no” to any proposals if you do not have an inner desire;
- have your own time and interests;
- put your health and spiritual comfort first, and indulge other people’s desires only if you have time and resources;
- distance yourself from relationships if they start to bring suffering.
The control of one’s own emotions in this perspective is quite important at an early stage. The habit of complaining will emerge as soon as possible. Here you need to pull yourself together. Instead of verbal designation of problems, look for an effective solution and change the situation.
Recommendations
Spend more time developing your personality rather than listening to the needs of others. Most victims live in constant tension, guessing the mood and needs of partners. But the secret lies in the fact that they are adults and independent people who can voice their desires. Clarity of relationships also implies not only the ability of one person to express his needs, but also the ability of another to refuse or delay their implementation.
Take the Relationship Addiction Test. It will show you how important relationships are to you. At the end of the test, you will receive recommendations based on your answers.
To make it easier to shift the focus to your own life, take a variety of courses. Record your own achievements. Such employment significantly raises self-esteem. It gives the feeling that you are really able to change your life in any direction.
Physical activity helps to develop sensitivity to experienced emotions and desires. For example: meditation, yoga, dancing, swimming, jogging, as well as massage and relaxation. The more care you can arrange for yourself on your own, the less will be the need to achieve it in manipulative ways.
A sober and objective assessment of the situation is important, for which you need to expand your sphere of contacts, as well as share what is happening with loved ones. Then you have the opportunity to receive feedback and signals that something is going wrong, and not depend solely on the opinion of the aggressor, who will insist that his behavior is normal.
Conclusion
Take care of yourself with love and attention, and then external attacks will not have so much power over your life. Treat yourself right now. And don’t forget to share this article with your friends who have similar problems. Buttons for social networks are below.
See you soon on my blog pages!