What to do if you feel guilty?

The first meeting

Charlotte came to me for a coaching session to learn how to manage stress. I asked her to tell me more about her life and the alleged causes of the problem. It turned out that Charlotte is happily married, she has two small children, she works as a florist two days a week, and she likes the job. The parents live nearby and look after the children while she is at work. She has many friends, no problems with money or health. After telling all this, she laughed, “Sounds like an ideal life, right?”

I asked Charlotte what aspect of her life causes stress. “Probably myself. I feel guilty all the time—for everything,” she replied. “At work, I feel guilty for leaving my children. With children, I feel guilty for being annoyed with them. I am tormented by a sense of guilt that I ask my parents to sit with the children, that I do not have enough time for my husband. At work, I worry about ruining someone’s wedding if I do something wrong with the bridal bouquet.

I feel guilty about not spending enough time with friends, not exercising, eating ready meals instead of cooking myself. I was given a spa coupon a year ago and I feel guilty about not using it, but if I spent a day at this salon, I would feel guilty too! So it really turns out that I feel guilty for literally everything! Yes, and I still feel guilty about not breastfeeding my first child, ”she said.

At the end of the session, I asked Charlotte to write down all the good things she did that day every night.

Second meeting

The constant oppression of guilt exhausts us. Constant self-judgment for a long time causes great damage to self-esteem. “Healthy” guilt has a clear purpose – to help us learn from our mistakes and transgressions. But Charlotte’s guilt didn’t do her any good. I discussed with her several possible reasons why she might be experiencing this feeling:

• She wants to please everyone, to please people.

• She tells herself all the time that she “should” be doing something. It seems to her that her life is worse than that of others.

• She is a perfectionist and does not allow herself the slightest mistake (fear of “letting people down”).

• Since childhood, she was directly or indirectly inspired that the interests of others are more important than her own, and that she is responsible for someone else’s happiness.

• She is manipulated by people who know how to put pressure on her guilt.

Charlotte realized that in her case, the “messages” received in childhood played a major role: to put the interests of others above their own. I shared with her a quote from clinical psychology PhD, meditation teacher and author Jack Kornfield that she decided to make her motto: “If your philanthropy does not extend to yourself, it is inferior”.

Third meeting

Charlotte came to the third session in a much better frame of mind. She thought a lot about her problem, and she was able to recall a childhood incident that she thought had contributed to her feelings of guilt. In elementary school, they had competitions in “three-legged” running (children ran in pairs, while the leg of one of the runners was tied to the leg of the other). Charlotte slipped and her running partner fell with her, breaking her arm as a result. The teacher accused Charlotte of hurting another girl because of her.

Charlotte admitted that this emotionally difficult moment led her to feel the burden of guilt all her life and constantly worried that others would be hurt because of her.

She gave the matter some thought, and came to the conclusion that it was not her fault. Already in adulthood, she begins to realize that she is not responsible for what others feel.

Whose voice is in your head?

Often you don’t live up to someone else’s expectations. When you hear an inner voice that tells you that you should or should not do something, stop for a second and ask yourself: whose voice is this? Whose expectations am I not meeting?

Then ask: What do I really think about this? What would I say to someone else if they were me?

This will help you start living up to your own expectations.

Identify who makes you feel guilty

Good people who want to please everyone easily become victims of experienced manipulators. They know exactly what to say to make you feel guilty – and get what they want from you.

• Divide the page in half. In the first column, list the names of those people to whom you can say no without feeling guilty, who often support you and never spoil your mood.

• In the second column, list the names of those who pressure you with threats, sarcasm, silent ignorance, demonstrative insults, and other emotional manipulation techniques.

Now you have several options:

• Behave more confidently with people in the second column.

• Tell them directly that you don’t like their behavior.

• Limit or completely stop all communication with them.

Responsibility pie chart

• Draw a large circle on a piece of paper to represent something you feel responsible for and feel guilty about.

• Try to think about this situation objectively: divide the circle into “sectors of responsibility”, dividing the responsibility between yourself, other people and extraneous factors.

• This powerful exercise will help you to have a more balanced view of situations in which you feel guilty and help you realize that not everything is up to you!