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Some of us find it difficult to remain calm in a relationship with a loved one. Communicating with colleagues, clients, friends, we are ready to show endless patience — but not with loved ones. Why is this happening and what to do about it?
Even minor transgressions of a partner or disagreements with him annoy you a lot? Are you stubbornly trying to prove your case over and over again? Do you understand that it would be worth forgetting these small omissions and moving on, but you can’t do it?
It is important to understand why you are engaging in these destructive behavior patterns. The reasons may be as follows:
- It seems to you that, forgetting the offense, you will show weakness.
- You are sure that the partner does not agree with your point of view, because he simply does not understand it.
- You think that your partner should always understand you.
- Your partner voluntarily or unwittingly provokes in you certain emotional reactions associated with childhood memories.
- You are afraid of becoming a copy of one of the parents who seems weak and helpless to you. This is often expressed in statements like: «I swore that I would never become like my mother.»
However, simply understanding the reasons is not enough. For real change to occur, new attitudes and new patterns of behavior must be developed. Here’s how.
1. Forgiving offenses, see it as your conscious decision.
Are you afraid that you will be considered weak? Realizing that you decide to forgive your partner for “offenses” is not forced, but consciously and voluntarily, can help here. Remember the famous people who were able to change the world by abandoning aggression and militancy: Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, John Lennon, Mahatma Gandhi.
2. If they are ready to listen to you, this does not mean that they agree with you.
If a partner listens to you, this does not mean that he is obliged to agree with what was said. It is enough that he heard your opinion, expressed once, maximum two. If you find yourself repeating yourself, pause. Take a break, go for a walk, breathe, meditate.
3. Accept the fact that your partner does not always understand your point of view.
No one can read your mind or experience what you experienced. A partner may have a different approach to life and relationships based on their unique life experiences. He can listen to you carefully and sympathetically, but is not always able to fully understand your point of view. If you catch yourself trying unsuccessfully to convince him that you are right, remember that the partner is a separate person with his own experience.
4. Work on your weaknesses
We are talking about problems coming from childhood or the experience of past relationships that provoke you to violent emotional reactions. In working on these problems, a consultation with a psychologist can help, which can be addressed both independently and together with a partner. It is all the more important to see a specialist if your partner is deliberately provoking you. It is necessary to understand what is behind such behavior and whether these relationships need to be maintained.
In addition, you need to figure out in what situations it is really worth defending your position. For many, it is important «not to be like mom / dad.» If you grew up in a family in which one of the parents had all the power, and the second was powerless and powerless, it may seem to you that by not defending your position, you become like a weak parent.
Try to actively stand your ground only when it’s about something really important. This is where your strength will manifest itself: in the ability to choose how to react and behave in different situations.
Constant conflicts and quarrels over the same reasons often lead to the collapse of relationships. If you love your partner and the relationship with him is important and meaningful to you, you should start changing established patterns of behavior.
About the author: Nadine van der Linden is a clinical psychologist.