What to do if there is no need for sex, but the partner always wants to?

One of the most common questions my clients have is related to the fact that the levels of sexual desire of partners do not match. “Husband constantly wants sex”, “She does not pay attention to me”, “I can’t force myself” are the phrases that I have to hear in most of these cases.

The question “What to do?” here is secondary. To begin with, it is important to understand the reason for the discrepancy between your sexual appetites, since the strategy and effectiveness of the “treatment” depends on it. There can be a lot of such reasons, but conditionally they can be divided into physiological and psychological. It is important to understand that this classification is not rigid, often they are interrelated.

Physiological problems

Physiological reasons include the mismatch of the sexual constitutions of partners (that is, the potential ability and need to have sex). The sexual constitution is of three types: weak, medium and strong. It is generally accepted that 80% of the world’s population belongs to the “golden mean”, and 10% each belong to the inactive and hypersexual.

An “ideal partner” is a partner with an identical temperament, but usually “average” ones easily get along with both a temperamental and an inactive partner. But the relationship of “opposites” – a person with a weak sexual potential and a partner with a strong one – usually ends in a conflict on this basis.

Another physiological reason is a decrease in libido as a result of taking medications that are necessary for the life support of one of the partners. These include hormonal, sedative, non-steroidal and anti-inflammatory drugs, as well as muscle relaxants and diuretics. They have a depressing effect on the sex glands and interfere with the production of sex hormones.

As a result, one of the partners loses the desire to have sex. This problem will be solved by the doctor who prescribed the drug. He will adjust the therapy so that the drugs do not interfere with the functioning of the reproductive system.

Also, physiological causes include any pathologies of the reproductive system and hormonal dysfunctions, such as impotence, disorders in the structure of the glands, decreased sensitivity of the clitoris, phimosis of the glans penis, and so on. With all physiological problems, you must definitely go to a doctor, for example, to a sexologist. He will help to identify the pathology and prescribe the necessary treatment.

Psychological problems

Psychological reasons due to which partners are not satisfied with their sexual life are conditionally divided into permanent (which arose before meeting with a partner) and acquired (which arose as a result of a relationship).

In order to determine which subgroup the problem belongs to, you need to ask yourself: “Have I always been reluctant to have sex, or just recently?”

If the answer is “always”, then this problem is permanent, and if “not always”, then it is acquired. Permanent causes are much more difficult to eliminate. These include psychological trauma, such as sexual abuse. In this case, you definitely need to work with a psychologist, and your partner needs to be patient and understanding – it is difficult to heal such injuries, and this cannot be done at the snap of a finger.

If the loss of interest in sex is caused by problems in a relationship with a partner, then you need to focus on this first of all, and not on sex – it is difficult to feel sexual attraction to a person who has deeply disappointed you, hurt you, or demonstrates complete indifference.

If you are just bored, sex is “bored” and there are not enough new experiences, classes with a sex trainer and mastering new techniques will help. It is quite possible that your partner will be happy with the variety, especially if his desire has not gone away. Sex training will help you better understand your partner, his desires and needs.