Contents
Hello dear blog readers! Today we will talk about selfishness in relationships. About how to feel the fine line in love for yourself and loved ones. Or how to survive if your partner only cares about their own desires, regardless of the fact that you are offended, suffering or moving away from him.
What is it and how does it manifest
The balance between giving and taking is broken. Imagine a gymnast with a pole in his hands, who is trying to stay on the rope, keeping his balance. He leans one way, then the other. This keeps it stable. If he prefers only one, he will immediately fall. Relationship psychology operates on the same principle. People in such contact will not be able to be healthy and happy.
A person who is not able to give turns into an egoist. He seems to be trying all the time to «pull the blanket over himself.» And the one who does not know how to take becomes a victim, constantly ignoring his own desires. Because other people seem more valuable. In both the first and second cases, the need for love is exposed and frustrated. And if the victim is trying to earn this love, then the egocentrist downright demands it.
People around and relatives believe that such a person really has a very high opinion of himself. But in fact, everything is not as it seems at first glance. The egoist does this for one simple reason — he does not love himself. Real, whole, with flaws and limitations. He does not accept himself as he is, but tries to «stick out» only his own merits. This state arises as a compensation of complexes. He wants attention, warmth and affection, but for some reason he cannot get the amount that is needed. Why take care of yourself. Not noticing what deprives the people who love him. Does not give them anything, or immediately demands something in return.
What to do as a partner
- It is important to accept the fact that egocentrism is practically a diagnosis. It is also called the handicap of the soul. A person is not always able to understand that he is doing something wrong. Or maybe he does not know how to behave, treat other people. Therefore, be patient if it is really important to you, and gradually declare your needs, boundaries, disagreements. It will not be easy, but you will have a chance to change relationships for the better, and in some cases, save them.
- In no case do not criticize or point out shortcomings. This will only provoke him to take a defensive stance. Remember, he is unable to admit his mistakes and accept imperfections. Here you have to act gently and delicately. For example, instead of blaming, you can talk about your feelings about his behavior. That when he does that, you get upset, you get sad. It is much easier to hear what the partner is trying to convey. Especially if it is a male version of selfishness. Because it is so important for a man to be on top, in authority, and then with a complicated perception of his personality, he will not be able to hear that something is bad.
- Help only if you understand that a loved one is ready to work and change. If everything suits him, do not console yourself with illusions that the moment will come, and he will realize how badly he treated you. No, it is beneficial for him, and if he is silently endured nearby, he will continue to do so. And the relationship will become more complicated, and fade away, until at one point someone’s patience runs out and he decides to end it.
What should an egoist do?
- Engage in self-development. Because you have to change, change your habits, the style of responding to stress, the way you communicate with others, and so on. After all, how to deal with this disease, if you stay in place? In order to be inspired to change and work harder on yourself, you must understand that in this way you only make life worse for everyone. Yes, you lose intimacy, true love, pleasure, joy and pride. Because it is impossible to get something without giving anything. From those around you, you run the risk of catching not admiring glances, but full of sympathy or contempt.
- Every time you take care of yourself, stop and think, have you forgotten about a loved one? Have you asked him what he wants, how he is feeling? A couple of simple questions that indicate your attention and interest can work wonders. Don’t forget humanity. And make it a rule, as soon as you give yourself something, immediately remember about family members. Over time, you will feel that by helping others and taking care of them, a person is able to enrich himself internally, become harmonious and happy.
- Enlist the support of loved ones. Explain what you’re having trouble with. No matter how much you want to admit it, your partner should know that you are aware of the problem and are ready to work on it. And also the fact that it is not connected with him, but with the device of your personality.
- Try to use the pronoun «we» as often as possible in speech. It seems to be such a trifle, but it works. Since it indicates commonality, compatibility. This is what the egoist and his close people usually lack.
- Learn to love, not an invented image, or only for the good, but even with flaws, disappointed and angry. Intimacy occurs when both partners in a relationship accept themselves and each other for who they really are. No game, no disguise. They know how to forgive and care, as well as ask for help if necessary. Start with this article, the recommendations given in it will help you become more open and aware.
Completion
There is no particular difference between female and male selfishness. Only men are socially active, aggressive, which is why they do not always hide their egocentrism, but, on the contrary, demonstrate it to the world, to competitors. Women, on the other hand, are often condemned and shamed for excessive attention to themselves, which is why some seek to veil it, cover it up.
I also recommend reading articles about self-esteem for men and women.
Get to know yourself, your secret corners of the soul, and be happy, attentive to the needs of people close and dear to you!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina