Contents
Hello! Overestimated self-esteem brings no less difficulties than underestimated. There are a lot of books and articles on how to love yourself, start respecting and so on, but how to lower the “bar” and look at your personality, appearance and skills is almost impossible to find more realistically.
And today we will consider the reasons for the failure in self-perception, and also by what signs such a person can be identified.
Evidence
Arrogance
It’s hard not to notice him. It usually manifests itself in the «bulging» of one’s own merits as evidence that others are not so good. And in general, they do not quite live up to his level.
It can be confused with egocentrism, when a person believes that he is the most valuable in this world, which, in principle, is spinning in his honor. But there are small differences, the arrogant individual simply considers himself better than the rest, and the egocentric is not able to notice them.
But similar in both cases is the presence of a feeling of loneliness. None of them can build healthy relationships that bring happiness.
Closeness
He will not let him get too close, moreover, he will not share his ideas, thoughts and feelings. The fact is that even though an arrogant person considers himself “cooler” than everyone else, in fact, deep inside, she feels a strong shame from the fact that, in fact, in some ways she does not even reach the norm.
This shame is repressed and most often not realized. And it is precisely because of him that you have to defend yourself, that is, close yourself and “inflate” your ideality so that no one else guesses what he really is.
He has the last word
Despite their closeness, they leave little space for the interlocutor in the conversation. Such people are usually just not interested in listening to another. And they don’t see much sense in this, because they themselves understand various issues better, of course, in their opinion.
Why do they allow themselves to teach the lives of even those who do not ask, interrupt, familiarize and not just share something good, but directly brag, pointing out the inferiority of others, which allows them to assert themselves at their expense. In general, there is one correct opinion — their opinion.
Can’t ask for help
To ask for help is akin to a humiliation to which they will not allow themselves to stoop. If they need something from other people, they will simply demand or even order. At least that’s how it will look.
Accordingly, they are also unable to apologize. Moreover, sincerely, realizing his guilt.
Fear of criticism
Such a person finds fault with the slightest shortcomings of those people who fall into his field of vision only because he is afraid of their assessment and criticism. That they will be the first to notice its imperfections and other shortcomings. And so they simply do not have time to do this, in his opinion.
Fear of making a mistake causes a feeling of defenselessness and, oddly enough, insecurity. And all this only enhances the manifestation of other signs.
lofty goals
He sets sometimes unrealistic goals for himself, of course, most often not reaching them. This causes suffering and frustration. In psychology, this means the dissatisfaction of needs, which entails aggressive behavior or even depression.
Causes
Behavior patterns
The child copies the behavior patterns of significant adults, in particular, parents or those who raise him. He simply has nowhere to take an example while he is very small. And an adult seems to him to be knowledgeable, against the background of unconditional trust, a kid can perceive even some kind of physical violence as the norm, which is how it should be.
So, if at least one parent behaves not quite correctly in relation to others, for example, does not listen, criticizes and teaches all the time — a similar style of communication can “intercept” a child.
In general, if a person is divorced from reality and extols his person, then failures in self-esteem can occur in those with whom he is close. Most often this is a decrease in confidence, but, as already mentioned, if an adult is an authority figure, the child will repeat after him.
The only one in the family
The birth order of children has an impact on their character and relationships. So to speak, there is a sibling rivalry.
But no less difficulties arise for the one who turned out to be the only one in the family. Especially if it was late, very desirable. He gets used to the attention that is paid only to him, which is a fertile ground for the development of egoism, egocentrism.
Parents are not always able to adequately evaluate him, that is, they most often praise him with or without reason, which distorts the perception of his qualities and skills.
exactingness
Parents project their desires onto their children, expecting that they will be more developed, successful and happy. This is basically normal. But sometimes they do not just want it, but downright demand ideality, focusing only on achievements, completely ignoring the personality of their child.
Why, wanting to get at least a little parental love, such a little man will strive everywhere to be better, at least to seem like that.
He gets the idea that people around him will be able to appreciate and notice him if he is perfect and always in the first place. And desperately will try to take it, no matter what the cost.
Comparison with others
Wanting to sometimes motivate a child to achieve, adults use comparisons of him with the children of their girlfriends, classmates, and so on. But, contrary to expectations, this method works quite differently. Basically, it reduces self-esteem.
It is difficult to have a good opinion of yourself when the closest and dearest person not only admires another, but also directly declares that he is better and that he would like such a daughter or son. For him, such comparisons sound like a rejection.
That is, I am not just saying that the other child is well done and deserves respect, but I am emphasizing that you are not at all like that. It’s like if you become even a little bit like him, maybe I’ll have more reasons to love you. And parental love is unconditional. It seems like it should be.
So, some enter into active competition, wanting to please their parents. Then their self-esteem does not decrease, but rather increases. Only excessively, also being not quite adequate and real.
You have to really “inflate” your characteristics. Showing that no worse than the rest, and even vice versa, there is no more beautiful.
These are the most common causes of self-perception problems. Sometimes they seem so insignificant that they imperceptibly influence a person, rather organically changing her attitude towards life and other people.
Recommendations
Unfortunately, high self-esteem, like low self-esteem, is not able to make a person happy. There is a failure, no matter in which direction, which is why the connection with reality is lost.
And if you do not notice it, that is, reality, you can get a large number of difficulties without understanding why they constantly arise.
So, if you still want to change the quality of your life, you need to work on yourself. It will not be easy, but it is quite possible to achieve the desired results.
Hear others
To learn to hear the people around you, you need to realize that each of us is unique and has the right to be. Until you learn to appreciate them, paradoxically, they will not appreciate or respect you either.
It’s hard to love a person who puts his priorities as the only ones that matter. Basically, only individuals with a victim style of behavior, that is, sacrificial, are capable of this.
So, as the saying goes, do to others as you would like to be treated. And with every desire to interrupt the interlocutor, stop, exhale and listen further. Show that you have self-control.
Care
Having recognized that each of us is unique, I think it will not be a discovery that needs, desires, dreams, preferences and other characteristics differ. Therefore, what is good for you does not mean that it is equally wonderful for a loved one.
And in this situation it is impossible to determine who is right and who is not. Everyone’s opinion has a place. So, if you want to take care of someone, do it based on his needs, and not imposing your own. This is where caring comes in, you show that you notice him.
There are such expressions as “cause affection”, “apply love” and so on. So, they are all about violence. In this format of relations, there is no freedom and love. More control.
The most common example is when, say, a mother cares too much about her adult son. He calls 100 times a day, comes to visit without an invitation and brings food, things that he does not need.
At every attempt to declare that he does not need anything, he is mortally offended. Which, of course, affects health. It seems to be acting out of the best of intentions, and every minute manifestation of attention to it seems to stifle and wants, on the contrary, to destroy.
Practically also feel those who are next to a person who has an overestimated conceit. Only instead of manipulating resentment, he uses directiveness. As if declaring that «I know better what you need.»
So, consider the preferences, interests and characteristics of the person you want to take care of.
Not ideal
Allow yourself to be wrong. This, of course, is not at all simple. But believe me, sometimes losses bring a person more opportunities and resources than wins.
No matter how much you want to, but you must admit that you are not perfect. And that’s what makes it interesting and important. It is difficult to be around someone who has absolutely no flaws. You don’t want to spend your life alone, do you? I think no.
Therefore, the first realization of one’s mistake may be disappointment in the chosen way to receive love.
If you do not believe that inflated self-esteem does not give the desired results, write a list of pros and cons. Then compare what is more. If there are much more opportunities and resources, it is unlikely that you will be able to change until you are convinced of the opposite. Just be honest with yourself in this moment.
Protrusion of virtues
The virtues of man need no special demonstration. People notice them. Frequent boasting and focusing on one’s omnipotence cause a feeling of disgust, disappointment, and contempt.
And if even at this moment to belittle the dignity of other people, then anger, aggression are also provided. Are you sure you want such a cocktail of feelings towards yourself?
Love yourself
Yes, although people with inflated conceit and reproduce the impression of narcissistic personalities, in fact they do not know how to love themselves. As well as others. They think they can, but in fact they do it «clumsily».
The one who appreciates his qualities and skills will not try to «scream» about them to the whole world, so that at least someone will notice. There will be little need for outside evaluation. Therefore, use the recommendations from this article, they will help you feel inner harmony and freedom.
Self-criticism
At the moment of failure, instead of shifting responsibility to others, try to think about what role you played in the fact that such a result turned out in the end?
I am not advocating self-blame. Just assess the situation critically, learn from it experience in order to avoid such mistakes in the future.
Rivalry
If you are constantly trying to be better than the rest, think about why you are doing this? Anyone who is engaged in self-development knows that it is important to overcome their limitations, and not try to assert themselves at the expense of others.
Yes, competition gives energy to achieve and motivates to act. When there is a specific need behind it. But if competition arises for the sake of competition itself, then you are trapped and will not be able to feel the satisfaction and satisfaction of winning.
They will be, but short-term, more imaginary and will not have a positive effect on the development of your personality.
Completion
And that’s all for today, dear readers! Finally, I want to recommend talking with loved ones, asking them to honestly talk about the difficulties that they experience next to you. And also about how valuable you are to them.
Just remember — your task is to really look at the situation. And not «fall out» into aggression against them or self-abasement.
Strength to you and be happy!
Finally, we recommend that you read an article about the completed gestalt.
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina