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Parental overprotection is faced by many, regardless of age, gender or nationality. What to do if you are already over 30, and they are still trying to control you? How to set and maintain your boundaries? Says a clinical psychologist.
Any control and manipulation is unpleasant. It doesn’t matter who they come from: from the boss at work, the school principal or parents. The fact is that in such situations our hierarchical instinct protests and we believe that they are trying to humiliate us.
There is a psychological game “Ultimatum”. It involves two people. Players are given a certain amount in turn – it must be divided among each other. The opponent may agree with the proposed “sharing” or refuse, in the latter case, the amount is burned.
Many experiments have shown that if the first player offers a share of less than 20%, most often the second participant does not agree to such conditions, because he considers them unfair. Despite the fact that, from the point of view of logic, it would be better for him to agree to any amount.
The experiment had a continuation. Each player was told that on the other side is not a person, but a computer, which is subject to its own algorithms. Paradoxically, immediately after that, the participants began to behave sensibly and were happy with any profit.
THE HIERARCHICAL INSTINCT IS TO BE BLAMED ON IT
In the process of communicating with people, we are not so much concerned about the content of the conversation as its form – how we are treated during the conversation. Are we being respected or are they trying to dominate?
When parents control us, they try to reduce their level of anxiety. The way they do it makes our hierarchical instinct feel like it’s an attempt at humiliation.
The problem of external control also lies in the fact that the valuable advice of the people around you is like a fool candy wrappers, and you are responsible for their implementation.
HOW TO RECOGNIZE AND STOP CONTROL
Imagine that you are driving a car from point “A” to point “B” and the person who is sitting in the passenger seat says that he knows a shortcut. You’ve probably heard the aphorism that all bad stories start with this phrase.
And now the navigator begins to tell you how to go: left, right … Then he takes you to the middle of the path and gets out of the car with the words: “Go on yourself, as long as possible, I will accompany you half the way!”
You are confused, do not know how to go further. And not because you are bad or stupid, but because you are here against your will. If you had relied on your picture of the world from the very beginning, then you would not have had a single chance to get into a similar situation.
To prevent this from happening, it is enough to track when your boundaries are violated. Notice when someone is trying to get into those areas of life that no one invited him to, when, without your permission, they insist that it will supposedly be better for you.
Benefit and do good
The problem arises when you break the standard “safety protocol” that all mammals have. If you try to pull the dog by the tail, then you will have three attempts: the first time it will dodge, on the second it will show its teeth, and on the third it will bite. This kind of border protection is normal for humans as well.
However, many, instead of showing their teeth, endure for a long time, and then “explode”. It seems to such people that they are good, kind and peaceful, and those around them are scoundrels who do not appreciate their patience.
The truth is that people around you simply cannot predict your behavior and begin to shun you, and especially insidious people understand what is happening, so they sit on your neck and hang your legs.
The unfortunate patient finds himself in a surprising position – he tries not to conflict, so that he is loved and accepted, but the opposite effect is obtained – he is isolated.
I don’t know about you, but I feel uncomfortable being with someone who can’t directly say what he doesn’t like, and then “explodes”. Why should I try to guess what is happening in Vasya’s rich inner world if I can interact with Petya?
I summarize my recommendations:
- Notice all the people who violate your boundaries.
- Follow standard safety protocol with them: dodge, warn and show teeth, bite.
- Learn by heart the phrase “No, I don’t feel comfortable” and practice setting and maintaining boundaries daily.
About the Author:
Denis Makarovsky – psychotherapist and clinical psychologist, specializes in working with addictive behavior using EMDH, Erickson hypnosis and provocative psychotherapy. His .