Contents
Hello! There is a stereotype that if there is no personal life at the age of 30, something is wrong with the person. After all, everyone creates families up to this age, be sure to give birth to children and live happily. But the rest, who did not have time, apparently, some kind of defective or problematic, since they could not take and organize life in time like people have.
Of course, I exaggerate a little. But still. Familiar phrases?
If you are experiencing such thoughts — let’s try to figure out how to alleviate suffering and improve relationships by finding out why they did not work out up to this point.
Recommendations
I want to start by saying that it doesn’t matter how old you are. The impossibility of falling in love or meeting exactly the person with whom you want to be does not arise because of age. Namely, from the unpreparedness of the individual, the fear of intimacy and because of the mass of other reasons, sometimes really unconscious.
Expectations
Sometimes a person may have too high expectations from a partner. Therefore, it is not surprising that failures follow one after another. After all, as we know, unicorns do not exist. Ideal people too.
Therefore, write a list of characteristics that the desired partner should have. And then try to rationally approach each item. How realistic do you think it is that you will meet such a person? Also, would you be interested?
I don’t know about you, but quite often it happens that in pursuit of an invented image, people simply do not notice each other. The one who is quite real and is now, but a little does not correspond to the ideas.
When even the slightest mistake is not forgiven, or the created image, which must be matched, is so hard and uncomfortable that a person cannot stand it, even if he tries very hard and “trying on himself”.
stop the alarm
If you “grab” any opportunity to get to know each other, start dating. And almost in every person of the opposite sex you see your companion — stop. Otherwise, anxiety will make a lot of mistakes.
Running in circles will not lead to anything good. And your fear of loneliness and uselessness can subconsciously “be considered”, scaring off really worthwhile partners.
Often a similar situation can be observed in women. When a certain period comes and they understand that it is very urgent to give birth, as much time has been lost. Why in every man they see a potential father of their children, which causes them horror. Which, in principle, is quite logical.
So, if this text resonates a little with you and you understand that you are just doing a lot of actions in the pursuit of happiness, I beg you, stop.
Only then will you be able to notice yourself, another person and understand where to go next. The more you rush about, the more you immerse yourself in experiences. Like in a swamp.
And the worst thing is that you run the risk of being next to someone with whom you will not be happy, as you chose blindly.
Awareness
I think you know that nothing just happens. And if you failed to start a family, given that you want it, then there are good reasons for this. And the time has come to discover them, to honestly admit to something.
Or secondary benefits. For example, if there is no wife, there are no extra expenses, you can spend your free time as you like. The absence of a husband also gives freedom of action. Take at least household chores, because in the evening you can calmly do a manicure instead of cooking borscht, baking pies and so on.
You know, it may well happen that you are actually good at being alone or alone. But the desire to meet the expectations of parents, or friends who have had husbands-wives-children for a long time, pushes them to search for that one, the only one.
In men, for example, it happens that according to the status it is necessary. There must be a beautiful wife, otherwise partners, clients and subordinates will begin to suspect something. To the point of allowing doubts about his professionalism.
So retire and answer honestly to yourself the question: “Why am I alone?”, Or “Why is this happening to me?”. For example, someone thus tries to take revenge on their parents. Yes, there are such cases. When they go against the system in order to prove something, to defend their opinion and so on.
Act
When a person isolates himself or, for various reasons, has little contact with other people, it is very difficult to create a family under such conditions.
How do you search and in general, take at least some action to meet an interesting person for whom feelings will arise?
You should not repeat scenarios from your favorite fairy tales, in which princesses sleep for centuries, as if waiting for the prince to figure it out himself and come to rescue him from captivity. Be sure to defeat the fearsome dragons.
Go for walks, agree to attend the holidays where you are invited, register, in the end, on a dating site.
I don’t know what suits you and what doesn’t. Try to determine on your own, the main thing — do not hide, but take the initiative.
And when you are among people, learn to notice them, instead of total immersion in your own experiences.
A lot of fateful meetings happen completely unexpectedly, for example, in a store someone smiled at someone, or even stepped on their foot. And if you do not notice what is happening around you, of course, you can miss a lot.
Settings
We take a lot from our parents, even if we really don’t want to and do the opposite. And if a child saw how his mom and dad were unhappy together, but tolerated each other for the sake of some great idea, then subconsciously he will do everything in order not to get into a similar situation, not to repeat their mistakes.
Do you know how? Making choices that fail every time. When problems are a front to hide behind.
There is such a protective mechanism as introjection. Just the installations that we received, so to speak, as an inheritance, from someone. And sometimes they do not reflect reality at all, but are a limiter that does not allow you to realize your desires.
That’s why it’s so important to write down the settings you have. To understand who they really belong to.
Whose voice comes up inside every time you try to create something new and beautiful? Maybe, mother, at the moment when the suspicion creeps in that it cannot always be good and that the chosen one is necessarily hiding something? Or daddy’s warning that women only use men and can betray at any moment for the sake of something better?
Analyze what you generally associate with the words “family”, “love”, “close relationship”. Brainstorm for yourself by writing down every thought that comes to mind.
What did your relatives tell you, what did they teach you? What attitudes have you been shaped by what you observed as a child? Be sure to write down your thoughts on paper.
Perhaps in some phrase there will be an answer to your question why you are still single. Then it will become clearer what to do.
Fault
The reason may be guilt. For example, in front of parents, who will receive less attention due to the appearance of a partner in life. Or in front of a child whom you seem to betray by feeling, letting another person into your heart. Especially if he is «on the side» of mom or dad, with whom your relationship ended.
In general, if you understand that it is guilt that is the main enemy on the way to creating a family, follow this link. There you will find the necessary information on how to deal with it.
Depreciation
If you tend to devalue everyone around you, then most likely, until you learn to notice the good in others and appreciate it, you will remain alone.
Because it is very difficult to fall in love with the opinion that “men are goats”, and “women are mercantile and stupid”.
Start changing your worldview, your attitude towards the people around you.
Take a sheet and write down the shortcomings of some person you know well. Let’s say a fan you don’t take seriously. Then, next to each item, indicate its merits, which will “overshadow” the negative points. For example, there is no housing, but he is industrious and quite capable of acquiring it over time.
Negative experience
If in the past you had to face treason, betrayal, or, even worse, violence, it is very difficult to trust people in the future. Psychological traumas, especially if you do not realize them, or do not try to deal with them, will prevent you from living a full life.
It is necessary to work with the injuries, restore trust and so on. The best thing, of course, is to go to a specialist.
Live here and now
Answer the question: “Why do I need a husband (wife)?”. That’s what you will have, or vice versa, will not be if you have a permanent partner?
For example, there will be fewer problems, because how will it help to solve? Or will it be more fun, more interesting to live?
List everything you think you will get if you finally meet the right one. And then think about what of the above you can live right now? Closeness, a sense of acceptance? Maybe you have a friend, next to whom it is warm and good? After all, not always, being married, people know what intimacy is.
Do you want to add brightness to everyday life? Go on a trip or sign up for some courses of interest.
The meaning of this exercise is to try to realize your needs in the present, in other ways, without fixing on the suffering that there is no soul mate. Believe me, without it you can feel the fullness of life. And then, having met her, when the time comes — to do it together.
affirmations
Try to influence your subconscious mind with positive affirmations. These are such short formulations that can program the subconscious mind for the changes that you want to bring into your life.
How to use them and what exactly needs to be said, you will learn from this article. There are examples that you can build on when creating your own affirmations.
Completion
Since it so happened that in this period of your life you are alone — try to fill it with what you love. As they say, with benefit. Happy people who are engaged in self-realization follow their interest and are not afraid to be themselves — they attract and cause a desire to be around.
Yes, and falling in love is quite difficult when fear of loneliness, horror, doubts, confusion, disappointment prevail inside … So, while you are alone, you have more free time for hobbies, travel and other activities that give pleasure.
And if you can’t find an answer to some questions, I recommend that you go to a specialist who will help you with this. Still, each person is individual, with his own life story. And the reasons for loneliness listed here may well not correlate with your experience.
And I want to end this article with the words of Omar Khayyam, probably familiar to everyone, but very valuable and relevant at any time:
It’s better to starve than to eat anything.
And it’s better to be alone than with just anyone!
We also recommend reading an article on how not to be afraid of changes in your life.
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina