Hello, dear readers of Valery Kharlamov’s blog! Parting with a loved one does not always bring happiness and relief, sometimes it causes serious mental suffering and anguish. And today I want to share with you recommendations on how to determine what to do next in such a situation, let go and accept, or still try to improve relationships, and also on how to survive the pain of separation.
What happens after a breakup
Before rushing into battle with feelings, it is important to study, so to speak, the enemy in the face. And information about the existing stages of living the grief of loss (and a gap, even if a person is alive, is also considered a loss, if only because your life will now be without his usual and valuable presence), will help you mentally prepare for what will happen to you .
Stages of experience
- stage of denial. Initially, one simply does not believe in what happened, and it seems that the gap is temporary, and later everything will work out, and by itself and miraculously. It may take up to two weeks. This is necessary so that a person can gradually prepare for the fact that everything is over, without causing mental problems in the future.
- Anger. The period when a lot of anger arises, and not necessarily at the former partner, even relatives and acquaintances can fall under the “hot hand”, who can be accused of not being happy with the relationship, envious and hindered. But most often the culprit of all troubles is a man, especially if he was the initiator of the break, even passive (that is, he did everything to make life next to him unbearable, since he could not take responsibility for caring for himself).
- Compromise. After anger, when the tension subsides, there is an irresistible desire to change something in order to return it back to how it was. This means that a period called «Compromise» has come.
- Depression. The Compromise is replaced by depression. Do not be afraid that you will lose interest in anything, if you allow yourself to sink into sadness in order to rethink what happened, you will enter the final stage of recovery. It lasts longer than others, and the more you ignore your condition, or resist it, the deeper you will sink into it.
- Adaptation. New desires and interests begin to revive, a person gradually returns to life, beginning to feel its taste and charms. There is a feeling that the hole formed inside is gradually beginning to be filled with something else. A person learns to do without the presence of a partner, and build new relationships.
What are they needed for?
The main thing is to realize that each of these stages is very valuable, and you cannot skip and ignore them, because thanks to them, the so-called recovery and healing of the soul occurs. Let your psyche do its work so that in the future you again have the resources for new attempts to build healthy harmonious relationships. Otherwise, you will have to go in a circle, go through each of them again and again, not being able to free yourself.
Recommendations
The feeling of uncertainty can deprive a person not only of energy, but also of the resources of the body as a whole. And this threatens with insomnia, various chronic diseases, as well as prolonged depression. Therefore, clarity is urgently needed so that you understand what to do, whether to try differently in order to save the relationship, or simply forget your partner forever.
If you can’t choose, write a letter. Release accumulated feelings, thoughts. This is necessary in order to more rationally approach the question «What to do next?». Most women are overly emotional and sensitive, which sometimes forces them to make rash decisions.
So, after you “disconnect” from the problem a little, make a list in which you indicate the reasons why it is worth making an effort and still stay together, or vice versa, go through the pain, but look freely into the future. Do not pay attention to the number, let there be more points in one column, but in another they will be more significant.
If you decide to stay with your loved one
You should:
1. Understand
Realize that a person can change only when she herself wants it. No threats, manipulations, encouragement, etc. will significantly affect it. Even if a psychologist works with her. Therefore, in order to alleviate further suffering for both yourself and your loved one, whom you decided to return, you, first of all, should come to terms with his shortcomings. Then, in principle, the choice will be easier to make.
Ask yourself a question like, «Am I ready to accept his addiction to alcohol?» And if you internally feel that it is not, then at least admit that you will have to go through a lot of troubles with him then, discarding the idea that you will be able to “re-educate”, “cure” him, and so on.
2. Talk
Open conversation for clarification. Talk to him sincerely about how you don’t want to lose him. Without tantrums, claims, scandals and demands. It is necessary to share with each other what has become unbearable, what worries and dislikes. Be patient and patient to hear the truth. You may be able to find a compromise, or else understand the motives of his behavior.
Follow the wording carefully, you should talk about your feelings, and not blame, then there is a high chance that he will hear you. For example, if you say: “I feel pain, anxiety and irritation every time you leave with friends without telling me about it.
I worry about you, you are dear to me, that’s why I react like that” will be perceived more loyally and without aggression than if: “You don’t worry about me at all, your friends are more important to you, you are callous and insensitive!”. And keep calm, otherwise he will only be convinced that it is better without you. Be prudent.
3. Work on yourself
As you understand, something was unbearable between you, since it came to a break. But how to return a man without changing herself, without changing the usual ways of dealing with him or stereotypes of behavior?
Rethink what turned out to be excessive, and start working on yourself. In extreme cases, this will help in the future, personal development will not hurt anyone. Yes, and do not step on the same rake, analyzing your mistakes, you will have a chance for a healthier relationship.
If he doubts, do not push or pursue, otherwise it will provoke him not to return to you, but rather, to run away to hell. After talking heart to heart, give him space, the opportunity to think everything over.
If you want to forget him
It is necessary:
1. For the first time
Realize that the stages indicated at the beginning of the article are inevitable. Enlist the support of loved ones by briefly explaining what might be happening to you. And giving recommendations on how best to treat you during this period, and what to categorically avoid. For example, taking your phone away from you when you take a large dose of alcohol, or not saying certain phrases, and so on.
Just in case, study the article «How to find a way out of depression yourself: the most effective methods.» This way you will be prepared and able to take care of yourself.
2. Take advantage of your experience
If this is not the first man you’ve dated, then look back at your experience by thinking about how you’ve dealt with a similar situation in the past, what worked for you, and what, on the contrary, aggravated the condition. General advice from others may be good, but you are an individual and only you can know what can help you.
If it’s not easy to immediately recall past experiences, try closing your eyes and imagining a library. Look around, see the books around? This library is your subconscious, in which knowledge, various stories from life, and so on are structured like this.
Take a closer look at the titles, and look for «How to survive a breakup with a loved one», it will contain all the necessary material. After reading it, add some new discoveries, what you have realized now, and so on. This will help you further.
3. How long does it take?
The more you loved this man, or the longer you were with him, the more likely it will hurt. Usually the most difficult period lasts from a couple of weeks to three months. Prepare for this in advance, taking into account your own individual characteristics. Someone should take a vacation and lock themselves up at home, listening to their favorite music and watching movies about love.
And someone, on the contrary, should be among people as often as possible, so you should go on a trip, or move to a friend for a while. Those who are able to escalate the situation, driving themselves further and further into depression with their own thoughts, are simply obliged to occupy their heads with work, training and other things, the main thing is that there is no way to think about what happened.
4. What else to do?
- If there is something left unsaid, be sure to tell it. Only on condition — in complete solitude. Say out loud everything that comes to mind, free yourself from the accumulated, so you will have space for something new. Therefore, taking care of safety, shout, stomp, swear, sob and hit the pillow.
- Take care of your health. During this difficult period, the body will work in an enhanced mode, make it easier for it if you don’t want to fall into a disease in the end. So, take on board an article about a healthy lifestyle, and start taking action.
- Remember what used to give you pleasure, happiness, from which you were touched or felt harmony? Even if it’s hard to remember, be sure to try, you shouldn’t devalue your life without your loved one, you are able to rejoice without him, it’s only important to find out with what and at what moments.
- Go over in your mind your entire history with him, starting from the moment you met and ending with the last meeting. In addition to realizing what happened, some miscalculations and mistakes, you can find answers to questions that torment you about why this happened. And most importantly, the process of assimilation will begin to take place, that is, the acceptance of the prevailing circumstances, at the moments when insight occurs, the pain recedes.
- And finally, ask yourself the question: “Why did this happen in my life?”. Difficulties and problems are, in fact, valuable lessons, and they will be repeated until a person understands his weaknesses and mistakes.
Conclusion
And although it may be hard to believe for now, know that these sufferings will definitely end, and one day you will wake up without feeling a hole in your chest, without anxiety and sadness. And no matter how wonderful your former partner may be, give yourself a chance to meet another in the future, you should not close yourself and be afraid of intimacy, being alone can also be painful and sad. Take care of yourself!