Contents
Hello, dear readers of the site! Today we will talk about how not to depend on someone else’s opinion. Since the inability to act exactly as you want — significantly affects the quality of life.
A person has to choose between his desires and the requirements of society. Trying to please, earn praise, or at least just not get criticism in his address, he is ready to sacrifice his values, ideals and dreams.
Causes
Everyone has their own individual characteristics and reasons why they attach great importance to the opinions of strangers, ignoring their own. But at the same time there are those that occur most often. For example:
projections
A person who gives a lot of power to other people is able to upset even a casual glance of a passerby who is thinking about his problems. Why was regarded as aggressive, disapproving and devaluing.
Do you know why this happens? There is such a mechanism of the psyche as a projection. She is meant to protect us. But it doesn’t always work out for her.
So, it consists in the fact that I attribute my thoughts, feelings, ideas, in general, everything that belongs to my inner world to other people, objects.
For example, a person does not like the project that he created. And so, going to the presentation, he will look for confirmation that the result of his work is really not a fountain, in the words of employees, the view of his superiors, and so on.
Even if he is praised, he will not take it seriously, believing that they simply took pity on him, so they did not tell the truth.
Lack of awareness
A conscious person understands, or at least seeks to understand the motives of his actions, thoughts. She knows what she wants and what she doesn’t. From what he rejoices, from what, on the contrary, he is sad. In general, he owns information about his inner world.
Dependent on the opinions of others, there is nothing to rely on. He does not know how to listen to himself, and does not see the need for it. Someone else’s experience and values seem more important, more significant, and certainly worthy of attention.
family education
If a child grew up in a family where adults constantly heard phrases: “What will people say if …?”, “Behave yourself, otherwise the policeman will take you away,” “People will laugh,” “No one will love you,” and so on . It is not at all surprising that he will experience fear and horror of public opinion.
Indeed, since childhood, he has formed the conviction that it is shameful to express himself. That if society laughs, it will reject it, and then in the future it will face loneliness and isolation. And then he learns from an early age to ignore his own needs, focusing on society in order to earn its approval.
The only problem is that, even having achieved tremendous success, such a person can feel emptiness inside instead of joy from the fact that he managed to realize himself.
By the way, if a child was praised, only if he performed beautifully in public. For example, he recited a poem from a high chair, or danced as he was taught. Then he develops a narcissistic personality type.
This means that he will by any means try to be always the best, the first, the most beautiful, smart and so on. Because the emphasis was on his achievements, respectively, in his perception of the world, love can only be earned.
This, of course, has a great effect on his career growth, but at the same time it makes him dependent on the opinions of others and does not give a feeling of happiness.
Methods of getting rid of someone else’s opinion
Exploring yourself
Then you will steadily move towards the goal, towards your goal, and not imposed. Start small, try to make a list by answering simple questions: “What do I like?”, “What do I enjoy?”, “What do I like to do?” etc.
You will not believe it, but sometimes there is such a strong dependence on a loved one that the other cannot even name his favorite dishes, believing that the choice of the second half is wonderful and he also likes it.
This is also a psychic defense mechanism called fusion. It is necessary in order to build relationships with other people and be close to them until attachment is formed.
But, unfortunately, some «cross the line», afraid of being alone. And they prefer to give up their “I” and “want”, adjusting to their partner.
fantasizing
If you do not pay attention to the opinions of other people, it does not work out, which is quite natural. It is difficult to force yourself to feel completely different feelings that arise, and think not the thoughts that are born in your head, by force of will. Then do not despair, because there is a way out.
You will only need to connect your imagination and come up with an ending, the worst, for some situation.
Let’s say you are afraid to speak out in the company of friends, because it seems to you that after that they will not want to communicate with you. It is clear that rationality does not help much here, when it is scary, it is not easy to think logically.
At least what is the point of maintaining friendly relations then, if they are so fragile and are kept only in full agreement with everything that happens in them.
In general, if logic does not help, let’s exaggerate and fantasize. You spoke out, and it turned out that no one supported. What’s next? What terrible thing will happen to you? Will you be rejected? Will your whole life change? Your health will deteriorate, you will be fired from work…?
Believe me, having answered such questions for yourself, you can be surprised to find that in fact it’s not so scary to say what comes to mind, instead of what they want to hear.
Because no matter how paradoxical it may seem, you can stop thinking about something that worries you only if you think about it well ….
Love for yourself
Love yourself. This phrase now sounds, almost from every corner, but it does not lose its relevance. Human psychology is such that, although he understands that ideality does not exist, he continues to strive stubbornly for it.
Accordingly, he blames himself for any mistakes made, denies his «dark» sides and tries to escape from unpleasant feelings, instead of realizing why they arose.
Having accepted yourself, understanding your value and uniqueness, over time, the assessment of others will become irrelevant to you. When you have your own opinion about yourself, you will have a choice, listen to advice, or still reject what they are trying to impose.
And then the question will no longer arise: “How to score on others?”, Since the reliance will be on your desires and ideas. This is your life, and you will have to live it the way you want, and not because someone else thinks it is right.
Ability to refuse
Sometimes we do what others want out of fear of rejection. But, silently enduring something, being afraid not to please, is also not an option. You have to learn to set your own boundaries. Then it will be clearer to others how you can treat me, and how it’s better not to.
Yes, and saying that “you are valuable to me, but I don’t want to do this, not because I intend to hurt, but because I don’t like it,” there is much less risk of ruining the relationship.
Than when to go on about and then scream about anger and blame for suffering.
Therefore, to refuse is not always to act “badly”. It is clear that you should not shout and aggressively reject requests for help. You can politely state your position. Examples of how this is done can be found here. After all, it’s not right, being afraid to offend another person, to offend yourself, isn’t it?
Work on yourself
You can learn to react differently to criticism, that is, not be traumatized about it, if you find out what “weak” points there are and work on them.
This is quite difficult and basically requires the support of a specialist, in particular a psychotherapist. Which will help not only to detect «gags», but also to explore how they were formed in the structure of your personality.
Their awareness releases from the energy and tension that have accumulated throughout the existence of this complexity.
For example, once a teacher in front of the whole class said that you were stupid and made mistakes that even a first grader could not make. This humiliates and deprives of authority among peers.
Why, without receiving support at that moment, the mechanism of ignoring one’s own needs and desires can be launched, just not to be in a similar situation.
So, during therapy, if you pay attention to this event, then it is likely that a person will have the resources to be visible to this world. He will begin to take risks and declare himself.
Assigning a new, completely different experience, which is easier to rely on in the future, and more constructive.
Feeling is okay
We are social beings. Therefore, it is quite natural that we strive for recognition by others, belonging to a community.
But it is impossible to learn not to be afraid of something that threatens our health, emotional state. Or rather, perhaps in every possible way ignoring feelings and «pushing» them to hell. But this does not eliminate problems, but on the contrary, creates even more difficulties.
The brave is not the one who does not experience fear, but the one who notices it, but at the same time makes a choice in the direction of action, and not avoidance. That’s all. Every time you feel anxiety inside before you want to say something — admit that it’s scary, take more air into your lungs and speak.
So, prioritize not the idea of how to get rid of some experiences, but rather, noting their presence, continue to move on. As in the saying: «The eyes are afraid — the hands are doing.»
Then, receiving dividends for your risk, anxiety and anxiety with horror will excite you less and less. Because it will happen less often.
Fighting projections
Think of a person who is literally a role model for you. Now take a piece of paper and write down 10 personality traits that you admire. See if there are ones on the list that you can brag about?
After that, you need to write again 10 qualities, only negative ones. You remember that there are no perfect people, so your authority is sure to annoy and infuriate others, right?
And the last part of the exercise, you may not believe it, but not only that person has everything written, but also you. You simply deny some characteristics in yourself, do not notice, therefore you transfer them to other people. It remains only to realize and accept it.
Completion
If you ignore your own experiences, then there is a risk of acquiring a phobia, in particular allodoxophobia. This is an irrational fear of someone else’s opinion.
Only with it already independent work on oneself cannot be coped with, it will be necessary to turn to specialists. After all, a phobia is already a mental disorder that limits life, as it isolates from society.
That is why it is so important to be attentive to your feelings and to get rid of unnecessary tension in a timely manner after stress.
Be healthy, internally free and, of course, happy!
The material was prepared by a psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Zhuravina Alina