Shock, fear – this is usually how parents react when they see scars or wounds on the child’s body. Then comes powerlessness and anger. And a teenager only closes in on himself more deeply … So what is the reason for self-harm and how to respond to them correctly?
In self-harmful behavior, an adolescent deliberately inflicts bodily harm on himself in order to reduce or cope with psychological distress. However, he is usually mentally healthy. Most often, adolescents injure the arms or legs, less often the torso.
Self-injurious behavior can be said if such episodes are repeated over a long period. And this is not manipulation or a cry for help, as it often seems, because teenagers usually damage those parts of the body that are hidden from the eyes of others. It is also not a suicide attempt, although the risk of it increases due to carelessness and due to the fact that the child becomes less sensitive to pain.
This behavior often resolves by the age of 25 on its own. But this does not mean that adults need to ignore it and do nothing.
At the same time, it is a mistake to believe that only outsiders hurt themselves. Yes, negative peer attitudes are one of the causes of self-harm among male teens. But among girls, popular excellent students are more prone to self-damaging behavior.
What behavior of a teenager should alert adults?
- he often has cuts, severe scratches or bruises;
- there are many scars on the body;
- often locks himself alone in a room or bathroom;
- carries with him or keeps in quick access cutting or sharp objects;
- wears clothes with long sleeves even in the heat;
- unstable emotional state.
What does a teenager feel when he hurts himself?
Feelings, like the reasons for self-harm, can be different. But most often a teenager experiences strong tension, hopelessness and helplessness, loneliness, a feeling of emptiness, his own meaninglessness or insignificance, worthlessness.
A teenager may be overcome by panic, guilt, anger or anger, hatred, confusion, anxiety, rejection, or a desire to punish himself for something. Often he has problems with self-esteem, he is impulsive, prone to tunnel perception of reality.
Sometimes self-harm serves as a kind of sexual release or “revenge” on your body for the unpleasant changes that occur during adolescence. Usually young people say that they hurt themselves when they cannot cope with psycho-emotional stress. They feel like no one understands them. And they try to drown out the heartache to drown out. After that, for a while, it seems to be easier for them …
In addition, some adolescents (not all!) have a protective mechanism that releases endorphins into the blood, and they seem to feel pleasure, euphoria. So there is an additional reinforcement of this behavior.
Some also become desensitized. It seems to them that this is not their body, and then, injuring themselves, they feel alive. But teenagers who self-harm have something in common. It is difficult for them to recognize and control emotions, they tend to suppress and repress them.
Adolescents engaged in self-harm have reduced adaptability: it is difficult for them to live through stressful and difficult events. In addition, they fail to find safe and environmentally friendly ways to express negative emotions.
There are many factors that can underlie self-injurious behavior, such as:
- violence: emotional, physical or psychological;
- psychological trauma;
- bullying;
- imitation of peers;
- conflicts with peers;
- non-reciprocal love;
- death of an important person;
- divorce of parents or conflicts in the family;
- difficulty in emotional regulation;
- an example of self-damaging behavior in the family;
- substance abuse.
But everything is aggravated if there is no warm, supportive and trusting relationship with the parent.
How not to react?
The worst thing an adult can do is to start lecturing and scolding a teenager for self-harm, because this will only exacerbate emotions that he already cannot cope with. But, unfortunately, parents, when they learn about the self-injurious behavior of a teenager, are often scared at first. Then they realize that they cannot influence him, and they begin to get angry, annoyed, threaten, persuade. Then they move on to punishment or panic and try to establish control over the situation.
If the child continues to act in this way, the parents feel anger, which prevents them from being able to empathize with his experiences. Any explanations also do not work, for example: “You will want to wear short skirts later, but you won’t be able to because of the scars.” All this only exacerbates the situation and alienates the teenager from the parent. He feels that he is not understood. This means that an adult loses the opportunity to help him. The child continues to behave in the same way, but becomes even more secretive.
What to do?
Self-harmful behavior is just a symptom, an attempt by a teenager to cope with their psychological problems. And that’s exactly what you need to work with. The best thing parents can do is not to focus on self-harm, but also not to ignore it.
You should focus on restoring a warm and safe relationship with your child. Only then will it be possible to help him, or at least find out what the reason is. It is important to remember that teenagers still need a trusting relationship with their parents, despite the desire to become independent from them. So, it is necessary to focus more on communication than on control and instructions.
Come up with common activities, walks, make them something of a ritual. For example, every Saturday, together with your child, go to his favorite pizzeria, on the threshold of which leave all parental instructions and moralizing. Let these few hours be the foundation for your connection.
It is also better to consult a psychologist. It will help to identify the root of the problem, figure out what prompts the teenager to take such actions, and work out this reason. In addition, it is important to work on emotional intelligence: to teach the child to identify and understand their emotions, as well as to find a safer way to express them. Parents may also have to master this skill, but it’s worth it.
You also need to help your teen track down the triggers that cause them to hurt themselves. Having found the true cause of self-harm, together we can discover the underlying motive for the teenager to stop resorting to self-harmful behavior.
About expert
Natalya Shosheva – psychologist. Conducts seminars and webinars. Works with adults with personal problems, difficulties in relationships with children, difficulties in conceiving and bearing a child. Her .