They call them names, push them, even beat them … Pay no attention or fight back? Go to another school? Psychologist and mother of five children Larisa Surkova is sure: it is not necessary to take drastic measures to solve the problem.
Threats and beatings forced me to undress … They beat me and dragged them by the hair … They took away money and broke my glasses … They forced me to kneel, knocked me to the ground, kicked me … There was darkness in such stories on the net. The worst thing is that they happen at school. For those who bully classmates, this behavior is a reason for pride. Therefore, they shoot videos of beatings and humiliations on mobile phones and upload them to social networks. And the mothers who see this are terrified: after all, their child also has to go to school.
Nobody is safe from such situations. You don’t have to do anything to provoke a conflict. It is enough just not to like a school bully or a bully. To be red-haired, with freckles, not to have an iPhone, to look different, to study too well – but you never know. What if a child is being bullied?
You won’t surprise anyone with childish cruelty today. The Internet is full of creepy videos in which students beat a classmate or classmate, filming what is happening on video. Most often, children begin to scoff at each other from the age of 10, when a difficult adolescence begins.
The targets of bullying are guys who are somehow different from others. Teenagers do not forgive those who stand out from the crowd, do not tolerate flaws in their appearance and do not accept children with health problems.
– The other day I worked with a girl who has cerebral palsy. She risked going to a regular high school, but she was teased there, tripped up. Now she is forced to return to correctional school.
According to the psychologist, children with a mobile psyche who react violently to aggression suffer most from bullying. It’s like feeding a vampire: once you cry – that’s it, you’re on the hook with the offenders!
Remember how our parents taught us: if they are teasing, do not pay attention? It’s hard, but it works! Explain to the child that you shouldn’t cry, it is better to pretend that he does not care about ridicule. Without feedback, bullies will become uninterested in bullying.
– When a newcomer appeared in the class, the guys decided to test him for strength, – says the 13-year-old son of friends. – One began to run into Vanya, but he was not taken aback and gave him in the face. The next day, a bigger guy approached the newcomer – so he coped with him. And on the third day, the guys attacked Vanya already five of them. They beat me a little, but did not touch me any more – no one wanted to walk with a black eye.
The “give me back” advice is, of course, quite controversial. Some psychologists believe that assault is evil and conflicts should be resolved by talking. Others are sure that if fists are used, then they need to answer accordingly, otherwise they will persecute. But here it is important to measure your strength against the strength of your opponent.
Of course, if a child knows how to stand up for himself, that’s good. So they will lag behind him faster. Therefore, it is useful for boys to go in for boxing, martial arts, and in general sports.
Ignoring offenders and being able to stand up for yourself are useful skills. But it is much more important that the child has normal self-esteem. After all, those who are not sure of themselves are most often bullied.
– A person is born with high self-esteem. For the first three years, we praise the baby vigorously for every new word. Sat on the pot – hurray! I built a tower of cubes – great! And then the demands and expectations for the child grow, we cease to admire the children. Parents, kindergarten teachers and teachers at school smoothly reduce the child’s self-esteem to nothing.
What to do? Praise and praise again! Forget official phrases like “well done” and “clever”, focus on the talents and characteristics of the child. Better yet, give your child to group sports – this will help build character and make friends. When children work as a team and achieve their goals shoulder to shoulder, they feel stronger and more confident.
But not only the child himself depends on whether he will cope with the problem or not. After all, a class, a school is not a vacuum.
– In my practice recently there was a case: a teenage girl wrote on a social network that she was gay. They began to mock her in class, and when the news reached the teachers, they also began to shame the girl, call her parents and say that she is a disgrace to the school. Instead of stopping the bullying, the teachers themselves added fuel to the fire.
And such cases are not uncommon. But teachers should maintain a healthy atmosphere in the classroom, ask for the help of a school psychologist. If the teacher doesn’t, take matters into your own hands. Organize a hike for class or have a karaoke battle. Become a team-builder: your child’s authority will increase as well. Well, if all else fails, and the teachers refuse to meet you halfway, change the school. And do not delay it.
– You can’t let the situation take its course. The Soviet attitudes “don’t sneak”, “figure it out yourself” and “be patient” do not work here. He can endure, and then take up arms and go to the offenders. And the quiet ones, tired of crying into the pillow, decide to jump out the window. The apogee of teenage suicides is 13-15 years old, at this age every word can kill. Parents are the foundation and guarantor of safety for the child. Talk to your kids and spend more time together. And remember: a teenager cannot cope with this world alone!