What to discuss before the wedding: 9 questions

Spending a Saturday night discussing family planning or a joint budget is not a very bright prospect. But discussing difficult topics is an effective way to avoid quarrels and divorce in the future.

“The ability to raise important issues at an early stage of a relationship is one of the important success factors,” says psychologist Alicia Clark. – So you will learn to resolve conflicts before they gain strength. Discussing issues, understand what is important for everyone, and find out how a partner manifests himself in an argument.

Nine questions that are important for a couple to discuss before the wedding.

Disadvantages

Kurt Smith, male psychotherapist

“Many people get married with the hope that the partner will change: he will communicate less with friends, learn to plan a budget, stop drinking. Unspoken hopes are dangerous for a relationship. Reveal them before you get married. Perhaps the partner himself wants to change. This way you will direct hopes in a constructive direction.

Money

Laurel Steinberg, psychotherapist

“It is not easy to discuss financial issues in detail, but it is necessary. Are you both going to work or just one of you? What will you do with the family budget: will you save, spend right and left, or will you find a middle ground? Many people think that they will figure it out along the way, but the approach works if the spouses have a similar attitude towards money. If the views do not match, it will seem to one that he is being infringed, and the other will think that the spouse is pulling the family into a financial abyss.

Sex

Caroline Madden, family therapist

“If your partner’s sexual needs don’t seem to match yours, don’t close your eyes. Perhaps you hope that after the wedding everything will be resolved by itself. But in the early years of a relationship, sex should be easy and laid-back. If you suspect sexual incompatibility, in the future, when there will be children and other responsibilities, problems in bed are guaranteed.

“If you quarrel about household chores, you can hire a housekeeper, if there are different communication needs, one can go to unwind and the other stay at home. But the sexual need can only be satisfied within marriage. If this does not happen, resentment grows in a partner with great needs. He feels abandoned, unwanted, unattractive. Resentment poisons relationships. The partner begins to believe that cheating can be justified.”

Personal space

Ryan House, psychologist

“Discuss how much time you need to spend apart. Lovers often overlook this issue, but after close communication in the early stages of a relationship, there comes a time when each of the partners wants to be alone with himself or have fun with friends. If this is not discussed in advance, one of the spouses may feel abandoned and become jealous. The second will feel that it is limited. Resentment will begin to grow in him.

Discussing this issue will help distinguish the natural need for personal time from being chilled and withdrawn. If partners get free time when they need it, time together makes them even more happy.”

Children

Linda Lipschutz, psychotherapist

“It’s not enough to find out if you want to have children. It is important to speak frankly and clarify the details. Do you want to become parents after the wedding, or wait until then? How do you feel about infertility treatment and adoption if there are difficulties with conception? If you have different religious beliefs, how will you raise your children?”

Megan Fleming, sex psychologist

“Many quarrel over parenting issues. Each is sure that he is right, and ignores the point of view of the other. Sometimes it is not easy for parents to agree and come to a consensus, but this is necessary in order to raise psychologically healthy and prosperous children. Ask yourself a couple of questions. Do you share the same core values? Which behaviors from parental families do you want to adopt, and which do not?

Monogamy

Elizabeth Lamotte, psychotherapist

“Most couples prefer a monogamous marriage. It is better to discuss everything at once and make sure that the partner has similar views. What if the fiancé goes out to dinner with an ex who’s in town on business? Will you communicate on social networks? What about socializing with colleagues of the opposite sex? Should you both go on business trips with attractive colleagues? What if one of you falls in love with someone? Discuss hypothetical issues before marriage.»

Family traditions

Daniel Kepler, psychotherapist

“Traditions concern not only holidays. How do you spend your weekends and have breakfast or dinner? Do you eat at the same table or separately, in silence or in front of the TV screen? If you discuss everything in advance, you will be able to speak with a united front in front of your parents when they start to put pressure on you. Discussion will help to find common ground, leave room for differences and create traditions.”

Future challenges

Becky Whetstone, family therapist

“You need to be sure that the partner will do everything possible to overcome the difficulties in the relationship. For example, when one develops depression or an anxiety disorder, the other partner often turns a blind eye to it, preferring to ignore the illness. “If we start having problems, will you go with me to a psychotherapist to solve them?” We must be sure that the partner is ready to act and will not say: “Yes, I am like that. Get used to it.»

Perfect marriage

Laura Heck, family therapist

“We need to discuss expectations for ourselves, our partner and marriage in general, and return to this conversation after the wedding. At some point, you may begin to experience frustration, anger, or fear. Discontent will begin to creep into the relationship. It is important to notice this in time and talk with a partner. Set the bar for marriage and discuss if you are on the right track.”

Source: The Huffington Post.