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It happens that a partner does not respond to our emotional needs — because they do not want or cannot. If this happens from time to time, this state of affairs can still be tolerated. But what to do if a loved one, in principle, is not capable of emotional contact?
Internal contradiction
If for some reason you do not have enough emotional contact with your partner — for example, because he suffers from a personality disorder — this complicates the relationship in a couple. “When you try to make contact, suggesting that your loved one change something in himself, most likely he refuses:“ I am who I am. Take it or leave,” explains psychotherapist Shari Stines.
In the end, you may convince yourself that it is better to really start taking it — no matter how you look at it, no one is perfect.
So you begin to live, obeying the rules of a partner. There is a contradiction. You make the decision to maintain a relationship devoid of emotional contact. Being close to a person who is dear to you, you feel an inner emptiness. This feeling comes from the lack of emotional attunement and emotional resonance in your relationship, two of the most important components of a healthy relationship.
Setting
Attunement is the ability to see, hear, feel, interpret and respond to the verbal and non-verbal signals of another person so that he knows that he is seen, heard and understood. This is a subtle, complex, very delicate «dance» of two people — two complex biological and psychological systems.
Resonance
Resonance is a complex process of rapid exchange of information, primarily non-verbal, which allows you to establish contact at a deep, subconscious level and creates emotional harmony. It is he who connects the mother and the baby. Resonance is a mechanism of love, a constant mutual emotional response, a kind of synchronous dance of feelings.
When you are ignored
“Agreeing to a relationship according to someone else’s rules: no conflicts and stress and no emotional contact — you doom yourself to dissatisfaction,” explains Shari Stines.
In relationships with people who find it too difficult to build a full-fledged emotional contact, you will still be required to be involved. But you will soon realize that such communication is very superficial and is not able to satisfy your deepest needs for understanding and acceptance. In essence, you are spending time with a person who seems to be around, but at the same time does not “see” you or even care about your presence.
In union with a partner who is not attuned to you and does not resonate with you at the level of feelings, a contradictory dynamic arises.
By agreeing to continue the relationship because “no one is perfect,” you fall into the trap of becoming attached to someone who ignores you on an emotional level.
At first, you just realize that you were expecting too much and try to adjust. In the process, you realize that you will never get emotional warmth from this person. You try to accept it, you try to “love him in a detached way”, not getting what you expected from the relationship.
Even if a loved one writes you messages, letters, you talk, go to a cafe, all the same, in the process of communication, he emotionally ignores you. This is very painful because you realize that there is no depth in the relationship.
This kind of detachment goes against our nature.
“The brain is designed in such a way that you will sorely miss the emotional connection with your partner. You can fall into an anxiety-depressive state, because the brain will not understand what your pseudo-close relationship with this person means, and will begin to create painful experiences, trying to adapt to the situation, ”Stines is sure.
These unpleasant sensations are designed to force you to change something. You will try to accept reality as it is, and the pain will continue until it is eventually replaced by numbness.
The difference between reality and expectations
Many therapists advise clients to get used to living in a space between expectations and reality. “Trying to learn how to live in this space, you will eventually get lost in it, desperately trying to feel needed and loved,” says psychotherapist and coach Alan Robarge.
Your loved one seems to be near you, but it seems as if he is thousands of kilometers away. Cognitive dissonance inevitably arises. It is very hard for you, but you cannot do anything, you are trapped. Gradually, a state of “learned helplessness” arises, and you are like a robot repeating the usual rituals to save relationships. Such relationships, to put it mildly, bring only disappointment.
We have to admit: in such a union you will never satisfy your emotional needs and needs.
No matter how cheerful, pleasant and polite your partner may be, all this does not compensate for the feeling of emotional emptiness. During conversations with him, you understand that nothing is happening, the call of your heart, longing for intimacy, remains unanswered.
If you are honest with yourself, you will realize that relationships and emotional closeness with people dear to you are the most important part of life. By not allowing you to experience the joy of true intimacy, your partner is depriving you of this most important experience. In the end, you will understand: you can save such a relationship only by losing yourself. But is the game worth the candle?