What stops women from succeeding?

Inna is a graduate of Moscow State University, at the age of 34 she is a candidate of science, head of a department in a subsidiary of a large Western concern and the mother of a five-year-old son. At work, she was always in good standing, and one day she was given to understand that she had a chance to get the vacant position of deputy director: high status, good salary, quarterly bonuses.

But Inna then refused, reasoning that the new job would not leave her time and energy to communicate with her son. Alas, this decision was most likely erroneous: a perfectionist by nature, Inna still works hard, trying to do any job with high quality. She comes home late, sometimes working weekends. She missed the opportunity for professional growth voluntarily. She is not alone in her choice. “Such a delusion is typical for many women,” says Irina Skityaeva, head of the personnel management department of the AFS Publishing House. “They mistakenly believe that by sacrificing their careers and remaining in the profession at lower levels of the hierarchical ladder, they will be able to fully realize themselves in the role of mother.”

“Enchanted Submission”

What actually prevents promising employees from moving up the career ladder? This is a question that coaches and psychologists working in the human resources departments of companies all over the world have to deal with. The conclusions of experts sound disappointing: the majority of women are still in the thrall of a situation that the French sociologist Pierre Bourdieu called “enchanted submission” *. “The weaker sex is still dominated by stereotypes regarding the role behavior of women and men,” explains psychologist, director of the Institute of Group and Family Psychotherapy Leonid Krol. “It’s paradoxical, but true: having long acquired equal rights with men, women are still ready to be content with the traditional role of a devoted companion of the head of the family.”

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Even having spent years on education and becoming qualified specialists, many women, entering into marriage, give up professional ambitions and willingly entrust the right to make a career to their husband.

“We still have the psychological vestiges of a feudal society, when the survival of the family, and society as a whole, depended on the activities of men,” continues Leonid Krol. “But often modern women unconsciously associate their realization with the desire to voluntarily play a subordinate role.”

From this follows another fear – to overtake a partner in career growth. “Successful women often perceive as a problem that they earn more than their husbands, have a higher social status,” confirms Leonid Krol. How justified is this fear? “A married couple in which a man earns less can be quite harmonious if the husband and wife are able to agree on what is primary for them (their love, relationships), and what is secondary (material and domestic issues),” says psychologist Alexandra Suchkov. “The fact that I overtook my husband in office was not a problem for us,” confirms Maya Grishina, 38, a member of Russia’s Central Election Commission. “We found this explanation for ourselves: each of us is valuable, regardless of our status, and everyone has the right to choose their own path of self-realization.” And yet, most women prefer not to risk their family union for the sake of professional viability, not realizing that by doing so they are clipping their wings.

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Good boss or good mother

Real life dictates its own rules: the career of a leader in any field involves maximum return and absorption in work. And since the idea of ​​a “good mother” also implies “full employment,” women lose their bearings. And often the feeling of guilt before the child takes over, forcing mothers to abandon their ambitions, to sacrifice professional growth (and sometimes work in general) “for the sake of children.”

The price of such selflessness is high. “The energy does not find a way out,” explains Leonid Krol. “For the refusal of self-realization, a woman often pays with psychosomatic diseases, early aging.” But most importantly, this sacrifice does not benefit the child. “When the mother is overly absorbed in his life, controls every step, anticipates every desire, she does not help, but interferes with his psychological development,” Leonid Krol emphasizes.

But women also experience guilt before the employer. They seem to recognize in advance that motherhood makes them not quite full-fledged professionally, so they are less likely to dare to ask for a promotion or a salary increase and voluntarily give way to male colleagues.

“Cinderella Complex”

However, another motive may be hidden behind the “timid” behavior – an unconscious fear of independence. American psychotherapist Colette Dowling called it the “Cinderella complex”. “It is a whole system of attitudes and fears that keep women in the shadows and prevent them from realizing their full intelligence and creativity,” she writes. “Like Cinderella, modern women are still waiting for a man to come along and change their lives.”** While young people are fighting for a place in the sun, many girls prefer to live in anticipation of “the one”, “the only one” who will give them happiness and who can shift responsibility for their lives. Hence the fear of success, because it just implies personal responsibility.

The Cinderella Complex is also actively supported by the media, drawing a frightening image of a smart, educated, businesslike, but at the same time lonely woman. “When I meet a young man, I try not to immediately talk about who I work for,” admits 29-year-old Marina, a leading specialist in one of the audit companies. – I know from experience: men are afraid of women equal to them in social status. I think they’re just not confident enough.”

“Many women give way to men also because from childhood a girl is taught to restrain feelings, including aggressive ones,” explains Alexandra Suchkova. “But for someone who always suppresses his aggression, it is difficult to be active, to insist on his own – it seems dangerous.” Therefore, many women prefer to take a modest place with a low salary.

And they will name a thousand reasons for their passivity, but in fact each of them simply feels defenseless and, like a snail, hides in a shell in order to gain a sense of security.

In male territory

“The example of women who managed to find a balance between social success and a harmonious personal life can help overcome their fears,” Maya Grishina says. And although she herself successfully combines a high position with the duties of a wife and mother (Maya’s son is 13 years old), she also has her own “lighthouses”: “I am inspired by the example of European women who hold serious positions and are not afraid of responsibility, although it is obvious that they it’s extremely difficult.” In Russia, she believes, men set the tone, define the standards. Among the top managers of large Russian companies, there are only 5% of women***, and there are very few in the highest government positions. At the same time, the earnings of female managers are 41% less than that of male managers. Society seems to be signaling: do not stick your head out! And women read this message, often unconsciously.

Based on this logic, the motives for career growth in women and men also differ. “For a man, gaining power is a kind of substitute for initiation,” explains Alexandra Suchkova. “A militant position prevails among women: now I will prove to all of you (and especially men)!” I will prove that I am not inferior to you in anything! A man follows the natural logic of career growth. A woman, on the other hand, feels like an eternal student, at every stage passing an exam for adequacy in the business world, which belongs to men.

A modern woman needs to re-aware her strengths, the scale and specifics of her capabilities – most experts agree with this. Often, having become the boss, she adopts a male model of business behavior.

But playing on a foreign field is obviously a losing position. “A man is more of a result person, a woman is a process person,” says Alexandra Suchkova. “And she is successful when she does any business in a feminine way – she allows herself to show emotions, to delve into the details.” Recognize your femininity, express emotions, overcome guilt, stop adapting to the male model of success. Only such an awareness of one’s own personality can nullify the competition of the sexes and free women from the duality that limits them.

* P. Bourdieu. “Male Domination”. The Threshold, 1998.** C. Dowling. «The Cinderella Complex». Pocket, 1990.*** “Women of Russia in extreme conditions: historical experience, problems, solutions”. Inform-Knowledge, 2006.