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Knowing how to relax, eating well, pampering ourselves with a massage – we all know that well-being depends on our ability to treat ourselves with benevolent care. But theory is separated from practice by an internal barrier, which is sometimes very difficult to overcome.
“These recommendations all seem so simple,” writes Nadezhda, 37, a Psychologies reader. – Stretch before getting out of bed, breathe properly, prepare yourself a bath and arrange a meditation session in it. But for me it is as unrealistic as climbing Everest. I guess deep down I just don’t believe that all this can change my life. For some reason, some people are able to learn to do well for themselves, while others are doomed to read advice, not finding the strength to apply it.
Why, realizing that caring, caring for yourself is the basis of physical and emotional well-being, why do many of us openly neglect our body, forget about it, or even openly act to its detriment?
We “listen to mom and dad”
In English, there is the concept of routine – a series of regular repetitive actions, it is used in relation to both daily hygiene and the rituals of applying cosmetics (beauty routine). The Russian word “routine” is related to it – only in our language it has a clearly negative connotation, as a reflection of something tedious, pedantic, boring.
“In practice, self-care looks like a certain learned sequence of actions, a habit to perform them,” says Olga Dolgopolova, a gestalt therapist. This skill is instilled in childhood. For those whose dad did exercises in the morning, and mom applied cream every evening in front of the mirror, self-care will more likely seem like a natural thing. Others will have to master this science anew.”
If the example of parents gives us a model of behavior, then their view of ourselves allows us to develop a benevolent attitude towards our own body.
“Perception of self is formed with the help of words, gestures and attitudes learned in childhood,” explains French psychotherapist Michel Freud. “If this experience has been satisfactory, we will be able to create a healthy body image and a positive self-image.
In other cases, the attitude towards the body will be more complex and may manifest itself in many ways: poor nutrition, overexertion, an unhealthy lifestyle, etc. To these inputs are added the positive or negative ideas brought by our education. All this determines our behavior.
Not daring to spend time on ourselves, feeling guilty, considering being a waste of time, associating rest with laziness – such beliefs, conscious or not, make us deaf to our own needs, prevent us from treating ourselves well.
“I’m not worth it”
Especially often this can be heard from women: “I will have to take this time / money from my family / child.” Often we not only (rightly) equate self-care with pleasure, but (wrongly) see selfishness in this activity.
“It will be easier for such a woman to take care of others than about herself, this gives her greater inner satisfaction,” says Olga Dolgopolova. “Most likely, so did her mother or grandmother. And she will pass this baton to the next generation – her child, whom she cares so much about.
But, if she learns to recognize and satisfy her needs, to realize her desires, it will be much easier for her to teach her children this – and thereby help them become happy. A woman has a choice: to continue this form of suffering from dissatisfaction with herself and life, or stop, pay attention to her needs and needs.
Taking care of yourself does not mean giving priority to your own interests over the interests of others. “A person needs others in order to fully feel alive, existing,” says French psychiatrist and psychotherapist Robert Neuburger. “That is why we often pay attention to ourselves not for our own sake, but depending on the way other people look at us. To keep your belonging to them.
If a person feels unimportant, if he doubts his worth and does not find a place for himself, self-care loses all meaning.
“After the divorce, I felt terrible – nondescript, uninteresting,” recalls 44-year-old Marina. – At that time, taking care of myself for me meant at least reaching the hairdresser so that my 12-year-old daughter, against all odds, had a positive example before her eyes. And it was for her then that I painted my lips.
“I take care of myself”
“The generally accepted expression “to take care of oneself” in its true meaning implies a careful, understanding attitude towards oneself,” says Olga Dolgopolova. – But we often replace it with another – “take care of yourself”, that is, rationally, by an effort of will, build yourself a kind of “front part”, which often hides not caring for yourself. When someone says “I have to take care of myself”, there is nothing about “I want” in it.
“Masks, massages, yoga – and when do all these yogas work?! – in the words of 36-year-old Evelina, condemnation and envy sound at the same time. – I run a recruiting agency, a team of 20 people, I have two children and really do not have time to cherish myself!
When my girlfriends pampered themselves, as women’s magazines prescribe, I worked hard on my diploma in the USA. Needless to say, aromatherapy foam baths were far from my number one priority! Maybe today I would like to give myself a rest, learn to relax and care for my body, but life with its habits has already developed.
Almost everyone has excuses to openly neglect themselves. But the commonplace “I don’t have time” most often hides other, deeply rooted beliefs: “I have no right to please myself,” “I don’t deserve such expenses,” “All this will not make me happier.” And each of them contains aggression directed at oneself, a depressive state, or all the same unconscious messages that are passed down from generation to generation.
Laura, 29, took stock of her inner tension the day she agreed to have her vacation friend give her a massage. “We sunbathed by the pool: the sun, the scents of flowers, the gentle breeze, and two minutes later I burst into tears quite unexpectedly! I don’t know how to explain it, but all this was somehow too much for me – too tender, too affectionate, this has never happened in my life!
Respect your body
To learn how to show true concern for him, you should first start thinking about him, advises the famous French psychoanalyst Jean-David Nazio.
“We have two possibilities to exist in our own body,” explains Jean-David Nazio. – Either forgetting about it (I identify with it, I think that I am my body), or thinking about it (I consider my body to be my most valuable asset, I say to myself: I have a body). In other words, perceiving ourselves and our body as something unified, we are not able to split in two in order to begin to treat it as an object of care and careful care. On the contrary, if we realize that we have the body as a subject that has the power to prolong or terminate our life, we treat it with all the respect that it rightfully deserves.
We are afraid to upset the balance
Such a reaction is not surprising: for a person who surrounds himself with an emotionally rigid shell, tenderness, signs of attention, affectionate touches not only seem strange – they threaten his inner balance. Afraid of incurring the “judgment” of relatives behind us, or undermining the defense strategies that have helped us build our identity and life, we “button up” to continue treating ourselves the same way.
“Self-care can be painful or even impossible if a person unconsciously perceives it as some kind of violation,” says Michel Freud. – As an opportunity to do what your parents did not allow: to please yourself, to spend time on yourself, to listen to yourself. Taking this step is not easy, it requires overcoming guilt in order to move beyond the repetitive pattern.
“Of course, it is much easier for those who accept and love themselves to take sincere care of themselves,” concludes Olga Dolgopolova. “But the opposite is also true: by gradually mastering the simple gestures that make up the science of caring for ourselves, we more easily agree to accept ourselves as we are and begin to treat ourselves much better. Only this path will allow us not to collapse in the endless use of ourselves, but to gently restore the connection between us and our body, and therefore ourselves.”
5 keys to change
Only by moving progressively, step by step, can you learn to truly take care of yourself. Several therapeutic techniques offered by the Gestalt therapist Olga Dolgopolova.
Don’t raise the bar. Write three phrases on a piece of paper, starting with the words “I want”, draw a line and write “I must” three times as well. Think about how the first phrases differ from the second and how “should” could be transformed into “want”. Perhaps some of your nutrition, figure, and beauty goals are too burdensome for you and that is why they are difficult to achieve. Torturing yourself also means “to be too demanding of yourself.”
Be aware of your movements. When making the simplest gestures – dressing, washing, applying cream – deliberately slow down the rhythm and pay attention to what sensations these movements give you. By acting mechanically, we forget about the body and increasingly tend to neglect it.
Make time for pleasure. A day a week or an hour a day in your schedule is worth “booking” for yourself. Use this time only according to your own taste – in active action or idleness. A cup of tea, an hour of reading under a cozy blanket, or a sweet siesta – while devoting time to yourself, continue to notice your emotions and thoughts, including those that are not entirely pleasant: feelings of guilt, tension, inability to focus on pleasure.
Find a company. You can create your own well-being society, find like-minded people. Running, yoga, fitness, sauna, swimming pool or dancing – doing any bodily practices together or in a group is much more effective, because it gives a constant feeling of support. And, by the way, it helps to maintain the regularity of classes.
Praise yourself. But not for the “right things” for the benefit of others, but for the manifestation of care, for any sign of attention that you give yourself. Being good to ourselves is not easy for most of us, and therefore each of these small actions becomes a huge step towards inner freedom.