Contents
Self-criticism, turning into self-flagellation, endless reproaches against ourselves – often we ourselves become our worst enemies. Does a harsh inner critic really make us better? Isn’t it time for us to finally soften up and … feel sorry for ourselves?
Goodwill, tolerance, indulgence towards others are qualities that we highly value in other people and strive to instill in our own children. But can we just take care of ourselves? “From early childhood, I used to not give myself a descent. As soon as I make a mistake or hear condemnation in my address, my inner voice hisses that I am a nonentity, even if the remark concerns some nonsense, ”admits 45-year-old Marianna. Such ruthlessness towards ourselves poisons the lives of many of us. The origins of this phenomenon lie in Christian culture, recalls Jungian analyst Marie-Laure Colonna: “We are born with a load of original sin. As soon as they were born, they are already guilty. We carry this heavy legacy unconsciously, whether we are religious or not. Our national tradition adds fuel to the fire, says Elena Stankovskaya, a transactional analyst: “In Russian culture, it is customary to scold oneself, to belittle one’s achievements. In this case, we kind of get the approval of our parent.” To top it off, a competitive society encourages us to be tough, says philosopher Fabrice Midal.1: “By denying the right to make a mistake, constantly assessing, questioning our personal significance (inevitably weak), modern society deprives us of tolerance towards ourselves and towards others. Many people think that strictness can buy power over oneself and personal growth – and this is one of the biggest misconceptions. It is because of the lack of sympathy, a benevolent attitude towards oneself that the fear of becoming weak appears.
Childhood trauma?
“Every time, praising me, my mother would certainly immediately add something unpleasant. I’ve never been good at doing everything right. Mom died eight years ago, but her reproachful voice still sounds in me,” says 42-year-old Ekaterina, adding that she usually reproaches herself literally with her mother’s words. “To praise means to spoil,” many parents sincerely believe. They criticize a well-meaning child – but then how can he learn to love himself?
“When our parents are very demanding or strict, we often unwittingly adopt their point of view,” explains Marie-Laure Colonna. “It’s a very common phenomenon of identifying with your parents.” But this is far from the only reason that gives rise to a tendency to self-blame. “It can arise when, for example, parents limit or block the child’s natural desire for autonomy and he gets the impression that his desires, his needs are “wrong”, they only create problems for him, says Elena Stankovskaya. “Or when the child’s achievements cause parents not joy, but aggression, and then in his childhood experience any of his own achievements are “glued” with fear.”
Paradoxically, praising a child can also have a negative effect, “leading to a lack of self-worth,” notes the transactional analyst, since the child does not receive a realistic picture of himself in the family. In the same way, without any reproach, a child whose parents divorced – as it seems to him, through his fault, can consider himself bad. If he does not reconsider these false ideas, he will not avoid problems with self-esteem in adulthood. And finally, school can also promote the habit of torturing oneself, all experts agree on this. It often forms a very severe “super-ego” in the child.
Read more:
- Respect Your Body: 8 Exercises That Will Help You Love Yourself
Self-criticism is a disease of women
“The work always has to start with the return of faith in oneself,” says psychologist Elena Stankovskaya. – Women, regardless of social affiliation, are more prone to self-criticism. In men, this problem is less common – if life has treated them really harshly. What is the reason for this difference? “Mothers care for their sons and daughters differently: boys are given more attention, and girls are often underestimated. The attitude towards women is expressed both in the so-called “glass ceiling”, which closes their career advancement, and in unequal salaries. Unfortunately, this inequality is perceived not as an injustice, but as a natural situation.”
Bad infinity
Those of us who tend to judge ourselves harshly often join the ranks of the unlucky, which can sometimes lead to depression. “Having once believed in his “badness” in childhood, an adult unconsciously creates situations of failure in his life, again and again confirming this negative self-characteristic, says Elena Stankovskaya. “There is such a stupid infinity of self-examinations.” However, there are also quite successful people who, deep down, tend to endlessly criticize and blame themselves. “It’s not easy for them either: they spend too much energy on fighting with themselves.” In both cases, their self-doubt significantly slows down their movement in life.
Nevertheless, some of us consciously defend such a harsh attitude towards ourselves, believing that this is the key to their development. “They might as well say: “We are not able to feel compassion for ourselves for fear that we will not cope with defeat, we do not dare to challenge ourselves,” exclaims Fabrice Midal. And what are our external, visible achievements worth, if internally we are never satisfied with ourselves, if not a single victory brings us real satisfaction?
Worse still, we are often really rough with ourselves, masking our emotionality and vulnerability. “Therefore, it is very important to listen to the intonation with which we criticize ourselves,” emphasizes Elena Stankovskaya. “If it is unfriendly, disrespectful, if we are not ready to support ourselves, this is unhealthy self-criticism, not useful for us.”
Read more:
- Petr Nalich: “Do not judge”
learn tenderness
“Only by recognizing that self-flagellation limits us, prevents us from living a full life, can we come to indulgence,” says Fabrice Midal. “So the alcoholic needs to recognize his problem in order to begin the path to recovery.” He suggests trying a technique akin to meditation: letting negative thoughts flow before our mind’s eye without affecting us. “Only by coming face to face with our parasitic thoughts can we accept our weaknesses, and therefore become indulgent,” he encourages. “Of course, this is not about endlessly repeating “I am amazing”, “I am beautiful”, but about healing the traumas of childhood in the same way as a mother would do, gently and gently. It is very important to shift the focus of attention, consciously noting what we can value ourselves for, says Elena Stankovskaya. “Tell yourself truthful and positive things. Even if these are small achievements, they help to build a more realistic image of yourself and reduce internal discomfort. Moralists often argue that self-love is nothing but self-satisfaction. “From their point of view, the more we think about others, the better we become. However, in fact, the opposite is true: self-compassion leads to the fact that we learn to treat others better, says Fabrice Midal. “There is nothing more contagious than kindness!”
1 F. Midal “The tenderness of the world, the art of being vulnerable” (Flammarion, 2013).