Contents
The whims of children are an unpleasant thing, but natural, at least in our time and in our conditions. Children are more likely to be naughty when they feel bad and when they feel that it is possible to be naughty to them. It often happens that a child is naughty with his mother, but not with his father, because you get hurt from the father, and the mother only threatens.
What to do with whims? It is clear that there is no single recipe, but with experienced parents, children really are less likely to be naughty.
Looking at whims, think about the future
Caprice to caprice — strife. One thing is the habit of taking revenge for what was not done according to her, another is a test of strength, research activity: “How far can I do it in my own way? Can I be stronger than my mother or grandmother somewhere? The habit of revenge is a bad acquisition from the point of view of an unborn child, and trying your hand is normal for a growing little man. A test of strength can be treated with humor and positively: “Wow, you want it in your own way, like an adult!”, But vindictiveness should not be encouraged. Looking at the vagaries, think about the future.
Attention to physical well-being!
I slept badly during the day, ran across in the evening, waited a long time in line or on the road, too many new experiences, just got sick — poor physical health usually sets the stage for whims. Healthy children act up less often — take care of your child’s healthy lifestyle. If your child has not been capricious before, but today he seems to have been replaced — pay attention, did he get sick? This is really important. Unfortunately, not everything is simple here either: most of all, anxious mothers are concerned about the physical well-being of children, and it is just anxious mothers who most often have capricious children. What is the clue? There is no need to worry about the health of children — the health of children must be taken care of. Did you feel the difference? We must not worry, but think and do everything according to the mind. For example, small children really do not like being dressed and undressed: if your child is hardened, this procedure will be easier and less frequent, and the life of the child and yours will be happier.
Freedom in order
If everything is impossible for a child, but no one is watching this, and dad and mom share power between themselves and sort things out, whims will be sure. The best educational model for preventing whims is a spacious house, a world of reasonable restrictions. If you forbid a child everything in the world, then the child is not capricious, but you are short-sighted. If you allow a child anything, he will grow up not capricious, but a psychopath.
Total Yes to what is reasonable in a whim
Try not to treat the whims of the child as another attempt to torment you. Imagine an alien who has a poor command of the earth language and is trying to convey something to your consciousness. Remember that the situation of a child is further complicated by the fact that, unlike an alien, he does not have a “native language” that he would be completely fluent in. Try to understand what the child really wants from you, and look for opportunities to agree with what he is right about. Give him what you can give him. He wants independence — give him independence, only so that she is his height.
After reading the message, clearly tell the child exactly how you understood it and what you are going to do about it.
The classic «Me!» He does not know how to eat cleanly, but reaches for a spoon. He tries to tie his shoelaces himself, then we unravel for half an hour with the whole family. He stubbornly puts his pants on backwards and so tries to go to the kindergarten. When you try to correct the situation — angry, screaming. This is also not whims. In these cases, it makes sense to first praise the child for striving for independence and note his obvious achievements, and then inform him that in order to complete the situation and to make it more harmonious, it is necessary to do something else. As a rule, children at this age demand precisely the recognition of their attempts, because it is too early to talk about any real autonomy, and they really understand this very well.
If you are not going to do anything, then be sure to report this too and explain the reason. For example: “I perfectly understand that you are tired, and I sympathize with you very much. But it’s still two blocks to the bus stop, and we don’t have a stroller. So you have to go as you go. I’m quite sure you can make it.»
If the child, interrupting the whining, wants to correct you or make some additions, listen carefully to him and be sure to praise him for his constructivism. For example: “Well done, that explained. It’s much clearer to me now what exactly is bothering you. Now it will be easier for us to deal with it.”
Never object to a child if he talks about his condition. He knows best what he is experiencing. Do not replace his own sensitivity with yours. In the future, this can lead to very unpleasant consequences, when an already grown child will be guided by parents or peers in search of an answer to the question “what do I feel now?”. You yourself understand that the answer you receive will have nothing to do with the true feelings of the child.
A common mistake of parents is the selection of options for a capricious child, when he can only literally poke his finger at the list item he likes:
Vanya, are you tired? Maybe you have a headache? Or maybe a tummy? Or maybe your grandmother hurt you? Grandma hurt you, didn’t she? Or do you want a cookie?
It is clear that in this case it will not be about the actual message of the child, but about the most advantageous offer.
So, after analyzing the situation, in an affirmative tone, tell the child the fruit of your thoughts and give him the opportunity to agree with you or object to you.
Teach your child to express his feelings with words, not whims.
There is only one way to do this — the parents themselves must talk about their feelings in the presence of the child. Already a three-year-old child, accustomed to listen to himself and not met with objections in describing his feelings, may well say:
— I’m angry now! I’m terribly angry right now! The cat made me angry because I wanted to play, and she scratches. You all move away from me now, I’ll be angry in the kitchen. And then I will come, and you will pity me (the direct speech is genuine, recorded by one attentive mother from the words of her three-year-old son).
For the prevention of children’s whims and the fight against already developed emotional instability, a single educational position of all family members involved in caring for a child is of great importance.
In both strict and democratic families, children easily adapt to existing rules if these rules are the same and supported by all family members. And where no one dares to take a spoon until grandfather starts eating, and where everyone eats with their hands at any time from a large pot that always stands on the stove, a calm, emotionally stable child may well grow up.
But if mom allows something, and dad categorically forbids the same thing, and for grandmother it all depends on the mood, and for grandfather — on the state of health, and for uncle — on the marks that the child received at school … And all this applies to one thing, for example, to whether it is possible to jump on the couch … It is against this “pluralism” that children often, capriciously, protest.
In a family where there are a lot of people and several educational positions, it makes sense to arrange a kind of “round table”, where a single style of education is developed through compromises and once and for all it is decided whether it is possible to jump on the couch, eat sausages with your hands and kick the cat. Sometimes, in order to avoid further discrepancies, on the basis of the agreements reached, it even makes sense to draw up a final written document in which anyone can, if necessary, clarify how to proceed in a particular case.
Consistency in the statements and demands made to the child by the same family member is essential.
No matter how your mood and circumstances change, but if you have forbidden something to a small child, then let it be “impossible”. If you have already allowed, then endure all the consequences to the end.
If you said when you went for a walk that today you will not buy anything in a stall, then stick to this position. Despite all the whims. Your only concession is also a message. From you to the child. And the text of this message is as follows: “Sometimes, under some (not entirely clear) circumstances, by whims you can get what you want from me.” Having received such a message, the child will inevitably try. And he does not hold perseverance.
How can a specialist help?
First of all, parents of children suffering from one or another somatic or neurological disease should consult with a specialist about children’s whims. It is precisely such children who especially need a correct and consistently applied method of education, which in this case, of course, must be developed individually and take into account the capabilities of the child. This is especially true for children suffering from prenatal encephalopathy and children with minimal brain dysfunction (MMD). Here, a properly selected mode of life and upbringing of a child can largely weaken the manifestations of the disease, prevent deterioration of the condition and such terrible complications as cerebral palsy (ICP).
In addition, a specialist can help parents determine the causes of the child’s moodiness and develop tactics for the behavior of family members that will correct the child’s undesirable behavior.
If the cause of the child’s capriciousness is intra-family conflicts, then it makes sense to turn to a method such as family psychotherapy. Even short-term positive family therapy, conducted by a qualified specialist, can often significantly improve the child’s behavior and at the same time improve family relationships.
Crybaby. An example of the work of a psychologist
It is clear that in the family of Larisa and Gali, whims stemmed from the inability of the mother to clearly convey her educational position to her daughter.
The mobile, smart little girl is already studying the world around her (including the personality of her mother), and Galya still perceives her as her physical extension. At the same time, it seems to be implied that for Larisa “it goes without saying” everything that is obvious for Galya. See →
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.