We know from childhood: if we hurt someone, if we were guilty of something, we must ask for forgiveness. In relationships, we act according to a pattern that has been proven over the years: we apologize, even if we do not feel regrets, so as not to stir up a scandal. But does this kind of pretense work? Psychologist Kristin Hammond believes that it only further destroys the relationship.
As a psychotherapist, I often hear apologies or regrets from clients. Sometimes they say them simply because they want to change the subject, when they are not really remorseful. Or they say this to calm their spouse or spouse if they came together, or when they feel a personal defeat. All these apologies are useless, because they are insincere, they do not help to improve relations.
Only real repentance helps to get closer. They show that you really care about your partner, their thoughts and feelings. Unsuccessful apologies, on the contrary, spoil the relationship more. Let’s give some examples.
1. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.” These passive-aggressive “apologies” are said simply to change the subject and silence your partner. They show that you do not take his experiences seriously.
2. “I’m sorry it happened, but…”. “But” is a clause that changes everything. If you can’t apologize without a “but,” then you’re not sorry. This is just an attempt to justify.
3. “I’m sorry for … but not for…”. The first is usually some little thing, and the second is a major offense. So you try to avoid responsibility and passive-aggressively transfer the blame to your partner.
4. “I’m sorry, but you yourself (a) …”. This way you put all the blame on your partner. Such an apology is not sincere.
5. “I’m sorry it happened.” Too general an apology without any specifics shows that you are not really ready to take responsibility for your actions.
6. “I’m sorry” (with a laugh). Laughter sounds like a mockery of the interlocutor and his feelings about what happened, as if you are trying to belittle him.
7. “I’m sorry” (with tears). Excessively emotional regrets with tears are also not sincere. You put on a show and turn attention to yourself, forgetting about those who suffered from your actions.
8. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” In the right situation, it expresses sympathy. But often such a phrase seems to hint to the partner that he is too vulnerable and sensitive.
9. “I’m sorry I interrupted you.” Are you afraid of conflict or want to hear “Yes, you don’t bother me.” This shows your deep insecurity and disrespect for the interlocutor.
10. “I’m sorry, but I disagree.” Again, usually in this way you are trying to soften the subsequent aggressive attack towards your partner.
11. “Well, I’m sorry.” Doing this in an exaggerated and sarcastic manner is a mockery of your partner’s feelings.
12. “Sorry” (no reason). It devalues the moments when repentance is really needed. Usually this is done out of shame or trying to get rid of unpleasant emotions.
13. “I plead guilty when you do.” This is an attempt to turn an apology into a contest in which there must be a “winner” who is ready to admit guilt only after the partner does.
14. “I’ll only apologize once.” This is an attempt to control your partner, you demand to forgive you here and now, regardless of his feelings.
15. Refusing to ask for forgiveness. If you refuse to do this when necessary, you show pride and an inability to repent.
16. Too frequent confessions. Yes, sometimes one “I’m sorry!” not enough to show remorse, but too frequent are no longer taken seriously.
17. Attempts to make amends with gifts. Some are not ready to discuss misdeeds, preferring instead to give expensive gifts. At the same time, they do not accept responsibility for what happened and are not ready to change.
18. Attempts to distract from feelings of guilt. Sometimes we are so tormented by this feeling that we start doing useless things to distract ourselves. The problem is that it doesn’t help repair the relationship.
5 Rules for Sincere Apologies
True repentance can change the dynamics of a relationship, heal wounds, and strengthen intimacy, love, and mutual support.
1. Ask for forgiveness for specific things. List why you are doing this, without reservations. Sometimes it’s better to write it down on paper.
2. Use correct intonation. You need to find the right balance, not falling into hysterics with sobs, but not remaining indifferent. Show that you sympathize with your partner and regret the pain they have caused.
3. After you’ve done this, really change your behavior. Repentance is not just a momentary impulse, it leads to long-term changes that will take time and patience.
4. Don’t just apologize. This is worth doing only when you are at fault, then your words will be taken seriously.
5. Make up after an apology. It is not enough to ask for forgiveness, you need to reconcile on terms that suit both.
If both partners abide by these rules and avoid fake apologies, it will have a beneficial effect on the relationship. It is always joyful to see repentance, the desire to fix everything and live in love and harmony.
About the Developer
Christine Hammond – psychologist. Her .
Source: pro.psychcentral.com