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Each of us has a personal, inner space, something that we hide from prying eyes. But if a loved one appears in your life, secrets can destroy relationships. What and when is important to reveal about yourself to a partner, reflects clinical psychologist Randy Gunter.
Randi Gunther is a clinical psychologist, family counselor and author. Bestselling author of When Love Stumbles: How to Rediscover Love, Trust and Fulfilment in your Relationship (New Harbinger Publications, 2011).
In my practice as a therapist, I am faced with the fact that it takes a long time before a person begins to talk to me about the most intimate things: relationships in which he suffers, diseases that have to be lived with, painful episodes of childhood, sexual experiences or desires that are weighed down. . From all the stories I heard, I deduced The Law of Unwanted Surprises.
This means that any information that can hurt your partner should be disclosed as early as possible. This is the only way to prevent losing trust in you if your loved one finds out the truth later and from other sources.
Step one. Tell as soon as possible
You need to tell everything that anyone can, if they wish, find out about you themselves. Almost all of us, when meeting a new person, are interested in their profile on social networks or find data through search engines. We sometimes underestimate the amount of information that we can glean about each other: education, professional path, places we lived, people we know, possible offenses. If you are uncomfortable revealing information about yourself yourself, you can invite a new acquaintance to become friends on a social network. Let him know – you are ready to answer all questions.
It is necessary to open as soon as possible everything that can harm or hurt your partner.
Your openness is just as important to a potential partner as what is behind you. It is necessary to open everything that can be dangerous for him or hurt his feelings. Sexually transmitted diseases, the fact that you have not ended a previous relationship, that you are in the process of a divorce, that you were romantically involved with someone from your general close circle, that you have children – all this your friend / girlfriend should find out as soon as possible and out of your mouth. It is better that this happens face to face, and not in correspondence, since the non-verbal signals that you send to your partner will be important. In addition, you will be able to more fully and sincerely answer possible questions.
Step two. Tell in the very near future
As you get closer to each other, it’s time to discuss things that may be affecting your relationship. It is about your plans, dreams, life aspirations and what you plan to do to achieve them. It is important that both parties imagine how they are going to plan the budget, whether they want children. If you’re still hiding any of your addictions—alcoholism, gambling, bulimia—it’s worth talking openly about it. And, perhaps, to admit: you need an understanding of a partner in order to maintain yourself in a healthy state. A truly close person will appreciate your sincerity and will not judge you.
Talk about how you see your relationship in the future.
Talk about how you see your relationship in the future: would you like to get married, or do you prefer forms of civil union. You may also recognize (if this is true) that some of your desires began to change after you met your lover. However, you need time to determine the priorities that are important for you (parenthood, the form of living together, and others). Of course, you have the right to expect the same frankness from your partner.
Step three. Tell if you decide to link fate with this person
It is important to describe your financial situation as honestly as possible,talk about hereditary diseases, sharp corners that the partner will have to face when communicating with your relatives or with the father / mother of your children. At this stage, you already take responsibility for your joint relationship and let the person know that you believe that your love will be stronger than any barriers.
Step four. What to keep?
We all have the right to private space. In this case, we are talking about that inner experience that does not directly affect your life today. These may be episodes of violence that you have experienced, homosexual experiences, sexual deviations. It is not easy for us even to tell a loved one about incest, especially if we still maintain a relationship with a parent. Some people find it difficult to admit to professional failures or reveal episodes in which they did not perform at their best, betraying someone’s trust. If you are sure that you have dealt with the problem internally and your secret will not affect your relationship and will not cause injury to your partner, you have every right to keep your secret to yourself.