We often hear about the perniciousness of co-dependent relationships and the ability to rely on one’s own strengths. However, we rarely think about the other extreme — dependence on complete autonomy. In psychology, this condition is called counter-dependence.
This veiled form of addiction is often found in successful people: businessmen, politicians, coaches. “They set themselves specific goals and, thanks to their incredible ability to work, achieve a high social position,” says psychotherapist Veronika Stepanova. “And sometimes they seem so perfect that we, with our imperfections, find it difficult to approach them. However, they, in turn, do not need rapprochement. These people do not hear not only other people’s feelings, but also their own. All they hear is fear and anxiety.”
«I don’t need you»
“He was the best student in our course, besides, he was good-looking, he trained in a company where he was considered a promising employee,” says Marina. — I was flattered that his choice fell on me. We met, he was a good friend, but I understood that he did not have a strong feeling for me.
When he proposed to me, I was surprised and honestly said — you don’t love me. He replied that he was far from romantic, we were good together and he promised me a protected life. I refused. A few years later he married, choosing one that did not distract him from building a brilliant career.
For the sake of self-affirmation, he is ready to work hard and honestly, forcing everyone to admit that he is the best
“Such a person will never ask you for anything and is focused on taking care of himself,” explains Veronika Stepanova. — At the same time, he connects his fate with a partner, relations with which will be smooth and not colored by strong emotions. This will be insurance that his feelings will not hurt.
«I know what you need»
“When we just started dating, he anticipated all my desires and became a leader in our relationship,” Oksana admits. — I liked it, but when we got married, he began to decide all the questions of the family on his own. I feel that the children and I are protected, but at the same time we do not have a voice. He always knows what’s best. All attempts to change this situation give rise to quarrels.
The persuasiveness and leadership qualities of a partner with counterdependence lead to the fact that he not only helps you realize your desires, but also gradually imposes his own. It all starts with a harmless: «I know, dear, what you need — we will go, buy, do.» Invisibly, this care turns into a form of control.
People around are amazed — where does he get so much energy from? For the sake of self-affirmation, he is ready to work hard and honestly, forcing everyone to admit that he is the best. His authority is indisputable.
“Behind this kind of perfectionism is anxiety, frustration, the inability to stop,” says Veronika Stepanova. — At the same time, a person is not fully aware of why he needs this race for success. At the heart of counterdependence is the fear of being vulnerable, of making a mistake, of being ridiculed.”
A person tries to be perfect, calculating all his actions. And he lets the potential partner know in advance that he doesn’t need true intimacy in a relationship.
What is the reason that he robs himself?
“There is a high probability that the most significant person for him, his mother, was the same,” says Veronika Stepanova. — Most often, this is a lack of emotional connection, when communication with a parent took place formally.
The psychological defense of such a grown-up child is the rationalization of parental actions: “Mom did everything right”, “She helped me become who I am”. So he tries to logically explain and justify childhood experiences, and in the future relies solely on a rational approach.
Having been rejected in childhood, a person denies true intimacy with other people. Imaginary invulnerability turns into a trap of dependence on their own fears and loneliness.