Coco Chanel’s phrase «I don’t care what you think of me, because I don’t think about you at all» does not lose its relevance. Often behind the views of others we see condemnation and discontent, and behind the words of relatives — reproaches and criticism. Why do we look for a catch where it was not even supposed to, and how to get rid of this habit?
Maria says that she does not know how to accept gifts, even for her birthday: “When someone gives me something, I feel obligated to give a return gift. And it’s equal in price. Or feel obligated to do something for that person. And if a husband comes home with a bouquet of flowers, I immediately begin to suspect him of infidelity. After all, he cannot just buy flowers — somewhere there is a catch.
“People like Maria have an acute sense of guilt: the inner judge does not allow them to relax and let go of control at least for a while,” says psychologist Anna Avdeeva. “When we feel guilty, we think that others also know about our shortcomings and wrongdoings.”
Imagine that you are late for work. The boss comes into the office and says that he wants to collect a planning meeting. “Now there will be a public reprimand, I will be deprived of my bonus, my colleagues will laugh at me” — negative thoughts flash through my head one after another until the boss says that he wanted to praise employees for successful sales.
The payoff for feeling guilty will always be punishment, in one form or another.
Remember Raskolnikov, the hero of the novel «Crime and Punishment»? Having committed a crime, he saw everywhere a dirty trick and conspiracies aimed at exposing him. It was caused by a sense of guilt and the realization that a crime must be paid for.
“When we cannot accept a sincere gift from someone, we feel guilty towards those who are not given such gifts. For example, in front of our parents, who raised us in economy and modesty. The feeling of guilt is formed in early childhood, and, as a rule, parents lay it down. But as adults, we must accept our desires and recognize our worth. Gifts should be received with joy and gratitude.
To get rid of obsessive guilt and stop seeing the dirty trick in the behavior of others, you need to understand why these feelings arise. We need to stop doing things that are contrary to our beliefs about right and wrong. And if the feeling of guilt still does not let go, it is important to consciously forgive ourselves and recognize that all our actions are done from good intentions. Instead of constantly looking for punishment for your actions, you need to learn to draw conclusions from your actions.
When we are sure that someone thinks badly of us, criticizes and looks for a reason to offend, we deliberately lower our self-esteem. For example, under the gaze of passers-by, we look for flaws in our own appearance, which are not really there — but they will appear if we pay too much attention to it.
Suspicions about people’s ulterior motives are just a projection of our own thoughts about ourselves and those around us.
Of course, there are people who really strive to hurt someone for any reason, but not everyone should expect such behavior. But as long as we think that we are surrounded only by enemies and a conspiracy everywhere, we will notice only such behavior in those around us. Thus, we can offend loved ones and lose friends.
An aggressive defensive reaction to any criticism, isolation and wariness in dealing with people force others to conclude that they have a notorious person, devoid of a sense of humor and openness. Do you want to constantly be in a state of internal tension and stress? Or do you want to communicate freely and easily?
“Unhealthy suspicion, the tendency to see in random events the machinations of enemies, building complex conspiracy theories against oneself are signs of paranoia, a serious mental illness that can replace the constant search for a dirty trick,” the psychologist concludes.
Do not let yourself fall into the trap: start treating people with a sincere interest, shift the focus of attention from your shortcomings to advantages, and you will feel more confident and happier.