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Young women are very open to sexual experimentation, but faithful. The results of the research concern German women, they were published by the weekly “Spiegel”. And how is it with Polish women? We ask Dr. Daniel Cysarz, sexologist, supervisor of the Polish Sexological Society.
Young German women are more open to sex than their mothers. Can the same be said about Polish women?
There is no research on it, but therapeutic practice allows me to say that it is. Twenty-year-olds, compared to 40-50-year-olds, talk more about sex, express their desires more openly. And when communicating with a partner, they often use expressions and language from mass culture. They also have much higher expectations of their fitness and erotic attractiveness. Such erotic perfectionism.
How does it look in practice?
They want to look perfect, always be ready for sex, and behave according to what they read in books and newspapers. This even applies to details such as what to say when sex has been particularly successful. There is a great need to follow the current standards. Young women allow themselves more – they watch pornographic films, buy cheeky underwear, a vibrator and other gadgets appear in the bedroom.
Is it also a women’s initiative?
While erotic handcuffs are often thought of by men, vibrators are usually bought by women. It is understandable that not young men, because for them such gadgets can be a kind of “competition”. Oral or anal sex is no longer a taboo for young women, and the bed is no longer the only place where you can make love. Women talk more freely about their fantasies – after the success of the book and movie “50 Shades of Gray” in therapists’ offices, they talk about being tied up or being still during sex. In the past, they only talked about fantasies, today they want to put them into practice right away. Sometimes it takes a somewhat caricatured form.
For example?
A couple come to me. I ask what brings them. And then she says to her partner: “I’ve never had multiple orgasms.” One orgasm is not enough.
And too little?
One orgasm is absolutely normal. Often times, a woman says, “I want to have multiple orgasms,” but there is something else underneath. For example, the desire: “Notice me, I also want to have pleasure in bed.” When there is intimacy between partners, a woman can actually experience pleasure many times. If not, her expectations may be a challenge for a man that he will not be able to meet.
What is the result of a more open approach by women?
Sex is now open to the public and does not take place behind closed doors. In supermarkets and kiosks we can find a lot of erotic magazines, all forms of pornography on the Internet. There is a lot of sensuality in advertising and cinema, for example the mentioned “50 Shades of Gray”. Regardless of whether we are looking for knowledge in professional books or mass culture, access to it is much easier than two decades ago. We are more aware of what to expect in the bedroom. Additionally, the form of erotic inspiration has changed. In the past, women read harlequins, alone, in hiding. It was their secret. And today they watch movies together with their partners. And it’s very different – from artistic erotica to hard porn. Interestingly, research shows that their preferences depend on the day of the cycle. During ovulation, they reach for literal pornography, with intercourse fully showing. On non-fertile days, however, they prefer milder, stimulating films. This gives you an excuse to talk.
Did the young generation learn to talk about sex?
Yes and no. On the one hand, it is difficult to start such a dialogue, to reveal your fantasy first. It is easier to introduce a new technique or gadget, for example, than to talk about it. It’s hard to speak, but even harder to listen. On the other hand, once we take the first step, we start to communicate more and more efficiently. This is a big difference compared to the generation of parents of today’s twenty-year-olds, who professed rather the principle that sex is not spoken of, but practiced.
Young women learned such a lesson from home?
They did not take much lessons, because Polish homes are rather silent about eroticism. If the message was: “Be faithful, take care of your man”. Rare: “Sex is a pleasure, it brings a lot of joy to life”.
Yet fidelity comes at a price. 92 percent of young German women declare that they have not cheated on their partner.
You could say that fidelity is a byproduct of sexual satisfaction. When our erotic life is rich and not boring, we get along with a partner who is open to our desires – we are not looking for someone to jump to the side. What for? If things stop working out, we look for a new partner and the old relationship falls apart naturally. In the case of young people it is easier because they do not yet have family obligations or a joint loan to pay off. Their relationships fall apart due to their inability to build a close relationship.
Faithfulness is not a value in itself?
From my observations, it seems that probably not. So is virginity. When a woman turns 20 and has no initiation behind her, she is more ashamed than proud. Self-faithfulness was no longer valued. It can be said that it has been replaced by trust in a specific relationship and a specific man.
How would you rate the social approach to sex today?
The 60s was a time of free love, the 80s was a time of fear of AIDS. Today we can talk about a decade of chaos and excess. There is chaos in our minds – we have so many possibilities that we don’t really know what to choose or whether it is for us at all. Young people want to experiment, but they approach it technically, in a task-oriented manner, and all this is blurred by tenderness and closeness. Sexual life is dominated by external stimuli, not internal desires. Sometimes men are afraid to tell a woman: I want you. They are afraid that she will demand experiments and fireworks in bed from them. And they just want to show that their partner is attractive to them, but they don’t always want to act out fancy scenarios right away.
Have women become braver for themselves or for their partners?
According to David Buss, a love psychologist, there are many reasons why women have sex. The most important and common motivations include the willingness to meet the partner’s expectations, showing that we are committed to the relationship, and the desire to build a sense of security. One of the reasons is also the desire to tie a man to himself, to keep him.
One of the latest studies on the sexuality of Polish women was conducted over 10 years ago. They show that women preferred to be perceived as conservative, virtuous, and not liberated. Has it changed?
I think some kind of duality has remained. On the one hand, Polish women want to take the initiative, seduce and experiment. On the other hand, in the back of their head, they hear the question: “What will he think of me?”
What will he think?
When a woman signals her needs, or perhaps more expectations, she creates a somewhat stressful situation for the man who begins to fear that he will not be able to cope with it. As we said, the availability of pornography does not make things any easier. The actors’ efficiency, well-groomed bodies, and sophisticated techniques can have a demotivating effect and heighten complexes. Sometimes men also have unrealistic expectations of women. As in the case of the older generation, there is a division into “saints” and “harlots” in the male mind. “Loafers” are women with certain physical parameters, provocative, great in bed. “Saints” are those with whom you want to start a family, trustworthy. This emotional chaos, erotic uncertainty makes people who postpone the first rapprochement appear in my office. They want it, but they are afraid at the same time.
Dlaczego?
They are concerned about how they will be judged. Unfortunately, erotic life is a kind of exam for the younger generation. And it’s for both genders.
Dr Daniel Cysarz, psychologist, clinical sexologist, cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist, supervisor of the Polish Sexological Society
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