What’s stopping you from living today?

Psychologies: Whether it’s overwork, problems at work or in your personal life, are we really always out of touch with reality?

Frederic Fange: More precisely, from the fact that we no longer feel the ability to influence the course of things. Many patients come to me who, they say, no longer have any interest in the present, nor the pleasure of what is happening to them. Their life is either frozen or going in a circle. Either way, it seemed to make no sense.

Meanwhile, it seems to me that we can fit ourselves into the context of the present precisely thanks to the meaning that we give to our existence. After all, the present is not frozen, it has dynamics. This is not a photograph, but an episode of a film that cannot be comprehended apart from the previous and the next.

We will enjoy our being to the fullest only when we can bridge the gap between the past and the future, find the thread of what resonates with us, and stretch it into the future.

Very often this thread eludes us. Why?

Paradoxically, sometimes it is because of the huge number of plans that we lose touch with today’s reality. Stress gives many a feeling (flattering to their self-esteem) that they are in demand and productive, and they pedal non-stop. But, with your nose on the steering wheel, it is impossible to check the map. As a result, a person begins to move away from the goal that he set for himself.

I saw this in a young man who came to see me on the recommendation of his gastroenterologist. The classic way for those who live in constant stress. They don’t have time to see a therapist, so they wait until they have an ulcer or a heart attack to seek help.

As always in such cases, this young man worked like crazy to ensure that the family did not need anything. He left home at five in the morning and rarely returned before nine in the evening. He had an exciting job, but in the end it began to seem absurd to him.

I advised him to write down all his activities and activities in a diary, so that later he could determine which ones were really important to him. It quickly became clear that he did not have time for what he considered the most important thing, for his own children. After that, he distributed his time differently.

But it also happens the other way around: inaction prevents you from enjoying life.

Our self-confidence is fueled by the feeling that we are in touch with reality, that we can change it, that we can be useful. But sometimes, as a result of trauma, ridicule or accumulated disappointments, we stop taking small steps towards new adventures, skills, joys.

When I encounter such cases, I try to show that inaction and self-withdrawal take us down the path of dissatisfaction. So we lose self-respect and hope that the situation will improve.

Here it is important to start small, with insignificant actions performed in a benevolent environment and not carrying a lot of risk. For example, if after an accident you are afraid to drive a car, you can start the engine first, then just take the car out of the garage and drive back.

What is important here is not an instant flawless result, but the opportunity to say to myself: I tried to do something. Then the confidence returns, and with it the taste for interacting with reality.

What about striving for excellence? Can it also cut us off from the present?

By setting the bar too high, we waste a lot of energy constantly wanting to do better or achieve more. The present never suits us and is sacrificed to an unattainable ideal.

Perfectionists are often those who have been weighed down by excessive parental expectations. Or, conversely, children who grew up in a too authoritarian environment: in order to avoid (psychological or physical) abuse, they had to be impeccable, not to cause trouble to their parents.

Perhaps the discomfort experienced by perfectionists is partly due to these efforts, which at one time they were forced to direct not quite what they themselves wanted. Meanwhile, there is no single right way. It is easier for a personality to open up when it is moving in its own direction.

I often suggest that you think about this: if you were to die tomorrow, what would you want to do today? Instead of aiming for the highest degree of perfection, one should live closer to this urgent, powerful desire.

Sometimes we seem to be separated from the world by something like an emotional screen.

This kind of emotional anesthesia happens quite often. This is called freezing. For example, women who have been raped report being out of touch with their emotions, cut off from their physical sensations.

It’s a way to protect yourself from a reality that has caused too much pain. It allows those who have experienced loss, betrayal, severe torment to step back from life. They are so exhausted that they are afraid to enjoy the present and become attached to it so that they do not have to suffer again. The wounds of the past must heal, and then the present will cease to frighten.

Lingering in the past — another way to get rid of the present?

We need to find a middle ground. You can, of course, try to forget about the past and start everything from scratch. Some even succeed in doing so. But their unhealed wounds still make themselves felt. The constant repetition of scenarios in which we get bogged down over and over again is sometimes a symptom of this «unexperienced» past.

A young woman told me that she panicked whenever her partner was not around. When he lingered, she thought: «He will leave me.» During the session, she recalled an episode from her childhood. She woke up one evening to find that her parents had left her alone and gone to the neighbors for a drink. This fear of being abandoned without warning continued to poison her life.

Many of our present ideas are related to past experiences that we have forgotten. It narrows our perception, and we are not even aware, much less able to comprehend this experience. When we return to it in psychotherapy sessions, new horizons can open up for us.

So, it’s not so reckless to hope for a brighter future?

This is not at all reckless, moreover, I would advise you to strive for it. Dreams of a better future keep us moving forward. But on the other hand, if we rely only on the future, our present becomes barren. Postponing everything for later, we do not build anything here and now.

This is how very anxious people behave, who are afraid of the consequences of their decisions. They don’t get married because their partner isn’t perfect, they don’t have kids because they’re not ready, they refuse to work because they haven’t found themselves. In a certain sense, they have much in common with perfectionists, but they are paralyzed by their own insecurities.

However, happiness does not happen by itself, it must be built, gradually changing something for the better. It is necessary to reflect on the direction in which we are moving in life, so as not to wander too much. But at the same time, you need to be able to sometimes stop asking yourself questions and live. Just live.