What protect the boundaries of one’s own «I»

When I hear that a person does not know how to defend his borders, I invariably have a counter question: “Do you have anything to protect?” Because, to be precise, we are not protecting the borders, but what is beyond them.

The border is the line of contact between “mine” and “them”, and in the interaction of the first and the second, violations are inevitable. If you defend yourself against any «encroachment», the easiest way is to lock yourself up somewhere in a solitary cell and not let anyone into it. And anyone who dares to look into it (no matter with what intentions!), — meet with an ax.

Then each “Hi, I want to meet you” will seem like a terrible crime, because the person did not ask our permission to get to know each other.

What do we protect

So, we are not defending the borders (although they are important as a marker) and not even the space that is on the other side of the border. We protect what is ours and what is valuable. And for this we fulfill two conditions:

1. Appropriate — we designate something as belonging to ourselves;
2. We endow with value — we recognize the appropriated value for ourselves.

A person does this all the time, from infancy to death: he looks closely, tastes, appropriates or rejects. Assigned consciously or not is ranked according to the degree of value.

True, in childhood they try to put a lot of “things” (habits, rules) into us, which we automatically dump inside our borders, without really understanding — do we need this or can we return “abroad”? And then we spend half our lives to sort out these dusty rubble, throwing away objects that never became “ours”.

Why can’t we say no

We can protect ourselves, our body, territory, things, way of life, social connections and outlook on life only when they are experienced as unconditional values ​​that belong to us undividedly.

If we do not feel that we own something, that it is important to us, then there is no question of any protection of the “border” at all. Where there is a feeling of “this is mine”, but there is no certainty that it has value, we begin to feel guilty towards those around us who have been made uncomfortable by our “protection”.

By not being able to say “no”, we show that our own plans and personality do not have unconditional self-worth. And we give others the right to dispose of our borders, sorting out what is within them: “This, so be it, we will take into account, but these desires of yours — well, somehow unconvincing … Prove to me that they have the right to existence.»

An example of complete confidence in the intrinsic value of the “I” can be Professor Preobrazhensky with his legendary “I don’t want”: he does not feel the slightest desire to justify his “I don’t want” or prove its validity to manipulators.

It turns out that the film «Heart of a Dog» is dedicated to a sovereign personality, who has everything in order with self-worth, appropriation and alienation. And how she protects what is important to her from violators of boundaries. And he does it successfully.

How our boundaries are violated

The goal of many manipulators is to make a person doubt his own desires and significance so that he voluntarily gives up a piece of his territory. This process is also noticeable during the birth of «personal boundaries». In a simplified form, it can be represented like this:

1. First, the «I» is born as self-consciousness — we begin to realize ourselves in this world;
2. Later, the «I» begins to master the world — it captures more and more space in it in the egocentric confidence that «this world is mine!»;
3. As a result, our «I» collides with strangers who are not eager to give their worlds into our possession — in the course of their complex interaction, the boundaries between «I» and «not-I» are established.

And woe to our “I”, if “strangers”, for example, parents, turned out to be so strong that they crushed all resistance and established an occupation regime in our soul. And you can no longer speak your own language of the soul — this is the language of the losers, the poor or the backward. Learn the language of winners — smart, strong, successful. Assimilate their desires, their rules, their norms…

Internal occupation by foreign content is, alas, a very common occurrence. This is how criteria are formed for how we can be treated and how we can’t. Is it possible to humiliate us, beat us, devalue us, ignore our desires — or not. Is it possible to express feelings, or are they not as significant as someone else’s …

An example of such a substitution is the story about a husband and wife: passing by an ice cream stand, a woman asked a man if he would like to buy it for himself. This is the result of an attitude that our desire is wrong if it is not shared by another person — “Now, if my husband also wants ice cream, then my desire will become legitimate and justified.”

There are six rights that we receive at birth, and they are subject to complete and undivided sovereignty: body, territory, things, lifestyle, social ties and outlook on life. Therefore, when someone tries to say that the other has the wrong way of life or the wrong style, this is not just an invasion of personal boundaries, but a desire to establish an occupation regime by crushing the barriers on the borders.

Agreeing with the imposed opinion, you allow yourself to be defeated — and now the rules of the invaders have already been established in your soul. In this case, there is no need to look for new sophisticated ways to learn to say “no” where there is nothing to protect or there is no certainty that it needs to be done. Take back your inner space.

If other people’s orders have been rooted for a long time, then it will be difficult, but books, friends, a psychologist can become your allies. But over time, when you begin to appropriate and live your own uniqueness, your determination to protect your «I» will finally get stronger. And, by the way, the ability to appreciate someone else’s uniqueness will appear.