What problems do men see a psychologist with today?

They have been taught that it is head, cool calculation and plans that count, not feelings. That is why the lack of contact with one’s own emotions is the biggest problem for men today. Not knowing what they are going through, they surrender to these unconscious, unrecognized emotions instead of being guided by them. Fear, confusion and tear appear. Daniel Cysarz, a psychologist and psychotherapist, talks about the problems with which a man comes to the office for help.

1. For some time now, men have increasingly come forward on their own initiative, aware of what psychotherapy is – explains Cysarz
2. As he adds, in the past men were more often sent by their partners with the task that they should fix something: in terms of sexuality, relationships or character
3. How do men deal with anxiety? As the psychotherapist explains, they try to drink it up, discharge it by masturbating, gambling, watching TV series because they cannot name it or cope with it. 0 Most often it is the fear that it is not good enough, that it will not be able to do it, will not meet the expectations of relatives, the boss at work – says Cysarz
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5. ARTICLE FROM MAGAZINE: NEWSWEEK PSYCHOLOGIA 2/2021 

Jacek Tomczuk: How many years have you been conducting therapy?

Daniel Cysarz: About fifteen.

In the past, more or less men came for help?

It seems to me that the proportions of men and women have not changed. But once men were more often sent by their partners with the task that they should fix something: in terms of sexuality, relationships or character … They came with a slogan for change, but did not really understand what was wrong with them. Of course, in such cases it is more difficult to find motivation to work in therapy. For some time now, men have increasingly come forward on their own initiative, aware of what psychotherapy is. And they do not want to improve anymore, but rather to get to know and arrange various emotions within themselves. Rather, they look for a way to accept themselves as they are.

So let’s talk, what hurts today’s man? And why such a desire to get to know yourself?

Often such a man feels that the “software” he received from his parents in his childhood at home is no longer up-to-date and no longer works in today’s world. Because most often he got a message: you have to be efficient, better than others, and maybe even us, parents. You are not to cry, to act … Today’s 30-40-year-old boy was taught not to feel into the body. Did you cut yourself? It’s hard, it will heal someday. And this lack of contact with one’s emotions is the biggest problem today. Because everyone experiences something, but when he doesn’t know what, these unconscious, unrecognized emotions drive him, not him. This can lead to confusion and tearing.

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How does he take such knowledge?

He didn’t know there was something like that in him. He was taught that it was the head, the cool calculation, the plans that counted. That the body serves to implement plans and expectations (most often of other people). During therapy, such a man discovers that the body is constantly reacting to reality, that he feels and “talks a lot”. These messages are invaluable if we can interpret them well. And the hardest part: that the body can be trusted, and the emotions can be named, felt, and not weakened at all, may even be helpful. That you don’t have to run away from these emotions in various ways.

What emotions are we talking about?

First of all, about fear. Boys are rarely encouraged by their parents to feel fear, they are not talked to about it, but rather run away. So as adults it is difficult for them to let these emotions flow over to them. Rather, you have to drink them, unload them with masturbation, gambling, watching TV series … Most often it is the fear that it is not good enough, that it will not be able to cope, will not meet the expectations of relatives, the boss at work.

Is it low self-esteem or too high expectations?

Fear has a secret. In psychology it is said that beliefs about oneself, the world and other people can be an important carrier and source of fear. These are the so-called thought models, and there are several types of them, the most internalized and often unconscious are the so-called core beliefs. These often unconscious thought patterns arise from learning and important life experiences. When someone has a deep conviction, bordering on the certainty that he is inferior, that he should deserve things, including love, his life is filled with the fear that others will discover it. So he tries to hide it from the world, often making a career, earning money, showing his best side. Outwardly, he tries to compensate for his inner sense of shortcomings.

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That is why a great revolution in therapy is when a man names the original beliefs that govern him. Then he can hear them, consider whether they have support in reality and whether he has to run away from them. Does the imperative “I have to strive, fight, deserve …” still needs to be turned up that way.

It is easier for those who were allowed to experience anxiety in childhood. If a little boy, whose stomach aches from nerves or his legs are shaking, hears: “I see that you are afraid, maybe some duty, task, man?”, He would receive information that fear comes from outside and is not part of us, and that would be a very important help. If you haven’t heard it, in adulthood it is very difficult to separate anxiety from one another, we blend with it, becoming incomplete and worthless. Even adults are frightened by fear, and it carries important information that can be read and put to good use without having to hit us.

What becomes the borderline moment when anxiety bothers you?

Symptoms. Most often tangible: addiction (drugs, alcohol, sex), but also outbursts of aggression, panic attacks. It all causes suffering, discomfort. Patients who report then want to get rid of their symptoms rather than work on their causes. Because even in the therapy room, they are afraid of being immersed in fear.

What else is on your list of male problems?

Inexpressible anger that manifests itself in helplessness or depression. It is a very self-destructive mechanism.

I often get the impression that men today confuse anger with aggression. When I say “anger”, they immediately reply that it is something harmful, suppressed, I cannot afford it, because my wife would throw them out of bed, home, life. And we have to come to the point that anger is something fantastic, to put a limit, cool energy to make yourself stand out in a relationship.

Why is it so hard for us to feel angry?

Again, let’s go back to what we got the software as young people. A parent who sees a child getting angry and kicking something around the house will say at best: don’t get angry, don’t do it. Some parents will react aggressively by tugging or shouting. And the least often he will approach the kicking son, pay attention to him, ask what upset him so, if the child cannot name the reason, it will help him. He will say: I can see that you are angry, you have the right to do so. But don’t kick it, don’t break it. Anger is good, but I do not accept aggression.

Parents cannot separate it in their lives, and the child is a perfect observer. He can see if his father can say: I’m angry and do something about it. Or rather, at some point he leaves the house without a word and comes back drunk.

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Or it goes silent.

So he is offended. Patients are often surprised to learn that being offended or being malignant towards a partner is a form of passive aggression, that is, unexpressed anger. Men show up at my place when they realize that something is complicating their life, for example, outbursts at their partner or children they regret later. It turns out that it’s a long accumulated anger.

Admittedly, there is no social consent to expressing anger. It becomes an unwanted, shameful emotion. You often hear that anger is bad. Yet anger, unlike aggression, is a good and often approaching force in a relationship. It allows us to name things, show our individuality and set limits. And unexpressed anger can lead to outbursts of aggression, distancing in relationships, and even depressive states.

Is the third place after fear and inexpressible anger?

Helplessness. The male role involves agency, action, looking for and finding solutions. When the wife comes with the jar to be opened and the guy can’t handle it, she thinks there’s something wrong with him. Women allow themselves to be powerless, men – never. And often the moment when they realize that they have a right to do so is a liberation for them.

Recently I haven’t been able to fix the contact in the kitchen, I have the impression that there is disappointment in the house.

Because you are a man. Never mind that probably with a humanistic background and little knowledge of the current. Bringing a specialist, although rationally speaking is the best form of solving the problem, it “goes” after our sense of value.

It is interesting that masculinity patterns seem to change, but neither women nor us want to give up some features.

Our fathers showed us a completely different model of masculinity: a guy has to earn money, not get drunk too often and be able to fix something at home. There were few who dealt with the emotional upbringing of children, took over the responsibilities of partners and had fun doing it. Women also had different expectations: a good job, physical and sexual fitness were important to them. Whoever made himself in these roles could feel relatively masculine and stable. And today it is not known what the model of masculinity is and many feel lost, they come to the office with the question: what does it mean to be a real man?

And what are you telling them?

That we can search for answers or update data in this area.

Women know better and better what they want in bed and it becomes easier for them to demand it. They expect their partner to enter the stereotypically assigned roles as well. They would like to have someone strong, leading, decisive, but also empathetic, tender and caring. Some feel good about it, others are confused and feel an internal conflict.

Then let’s move on to the relationships….

It is getting harder and harder for them to get into relationships at all. Remote work, the development of social media means that we contact us mainly through the computer screen, telephone. Yes, they can still do it when flirting, joking or sending photos, but I often hear about the fear of close relationships and a real meeting. They are most afraid of not meeting the expectations a partner may have. How many ideas do they have for these expectations… They are men who often heard mothers complain about their fathers at home. And now they feel that they too can fail their women.

Anyway, it is easier to “design” the perfect partner on the web. Sometimes I hear that someone is ready to ditch their wife because they have met the perfect woman. When we get to the details, it turns out that he has been writing with a girl for a week, has seen some photos of her and they have never actually met. They didn’t even talk on the phone.

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That doesn’t say the best for us.

A sign of the times is that we have a lot of obstacles in relationships: portals, applications, series … This is a topic that many men report. They seem to be in a relationship, but when we think about how much time they spend with their partner during therapy, it turns out that not much. They seem to be doing something together, but not actually talking. Couples stay together for years, and they don’t really know each other.

Besides, men have a need to compare themselves with others, to compete. And social media is the perfect trap. The effect is that frustrated people who do not enjoy their relationships, themselves, have a feeling that they should be better, richer, fuller.

The stereotypical assumption is that women are more prone to the vanity fair, and I can see that guys are no better. The man talks to the therapist differently than the therapist? Does the psychologist’s gender matter?

Of course. How many times have I heard from a client that he came to me because I am a man. But being in a relationship with me, the client also enters into competition sometimes, the feathers start to ruffle, the question is asked what kind of car I drive, because he has such a brand and whose is the better one. I’m trying to prove that my judgments are wrong, and the advice won’t change anything … And until you disarm it, talk it through, it might be a disruption to your work. After all, we meet to touch these soft and painful areas, not the sleek ones that are always ready to be presented.

Do we know how to talk honestly with each other as men?

If a man comes in great suffering, a crisis, then at the first meeting you can see tears and hear something important. But in normal mode, you can wait up to several months for tears. Compared to women, we need more time to get used to, get to know and open up. But when it does, I don’t see any difference in work. Because we also feel, experience and need to meet important needs, only sometimes failure to update the software causes errors.

Extracts:

The male role involves agency, action, looking for and finding solutions. They do not allow themselves to be powerless. And often the moment when they realize that they have a right to do so is a liberation for them

Men find it harder and harder to get into relationships. They are most afraid of not meeting the expectations a partner may have. They are men who often heard mothers complain about their fathers in their homes. And now they feel that they too can fail their women

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