Shame is a painful feeling of one’s inferiority or inferiority. Sometimes it is so painful that we try in any way to get rid of this experience. But when shame is hidden somewhere deep within us, its destructive influence only intensifies. Let’s talk about how it manifests itself.
The first step to personal growth, according to psychotherapist John Amodeo, is to recognize and acknowledge the shame that lies deep within us. This is much easier to do if you understand what problems shame can be considered the cause of.
Among them, the psychotherapist identifies the 4 most popular.
1. Defensive-aggressive behavior
Thus, we try to protect ourselves from unpleasant feelings and experiences. For example, if our partner expresses dissatisfaction with the fact that we were late for dinner, we can respond with something like: “Well, last week we were late to the movies because you were taking too long to get ready!”
Defensive-aggressive displays are a way to evade responsibility for one’s own behavior.
If for us responsibility is tantamount to an admission of guilt, we will avoid it. We will find a way to project our shame onto someone else by blaming them. If someone dares to say that we are not perfect in some way, we will begin to violently resent.
However, if we weren’t weighed down by the weight of shame, we might realize that our partner is just worried about our being late. It’s not that there’s something wrong with us. Instead of being aggressively defensive, sometimes we need to understand how the other person is feeling and apologize if our behavior requires it.
2. Perfectionism
Hidden shame often manifests itself in an unrealistic desire to do everything perfectly. It seems that if we are perfect, no one will be able to criticize and shame us.
They say that a perfectionist is a person for whom it is unbearable to make the same mistake once. He is often so overcome with shame that he cannot afford to have any of the natural human weaknesses. He must show the world a certain facade that looks flawless.
Therefore, he spends a lot of time taking care of his appearance. And he constantly rehearses what and how to say, so as not to accidentally blurt out something that could cause ridicule or disapproval.
Trying all the time to live up to some unattainable ideal takes a lot of energy. The shame that drives us on this “horizon chase” ends up exhausting us.
There are no perfect people in this world. By trying to become something we are not, to avoid judgment and shame, we lose touch with our true selves.
3. Unnecessary apologies
Because of hidden shame, we can constantly apologize and try to please everyone. We are a priori convinced that we are always wrong and others are right. If shame weakens our sense of self, then we may begin to avoid interpersonal communication altogether.
Conversely, deep unconscious shame can prevent us from honestly saying, “Forgive me, I was wrong, I made a mistake.” This feeling affects us so strongly that we are afraid of being subjected to some imaginary ridicule. Yes, and any manifestation of simple human weakness, vulnerability or imperfection, we consider something shameful.
Think of the many politicians who almost never admit they are wrong. They show the world a flawless façade to hide the insecurities deep within. They rarely change their minds, which makes you wonder if there is one at all? As psychologist Lewis Perelman said, “Dogmatism is the sacrifice of wisdom for stability and constancy.”
Confident people are always ready to admit their mistakes.
Understanding their own imperfection gives them inner strength and stamina. They are also ashamed, but they are not ashamed of shame itself. They know that admitting their shortcomings takes courage. Only sociopaths never experience this feeling. Healthy people are not harmed by healthy shame – its presence does not mean at all that something is wrong with them.
As we grow internally, we begin to realize that there is no shame in making a mistake or being wrong about something. Without acknowledging one’s own shortcomings and misconceptions, no growth is possible.
4. Procrastination
Often the cause of procrastination is hidden deep within us shame. For example, if we undertake a creative project, write an article, or apply for a job and fail as a result, we may become paralyzed with shame. And if we don’t even try, we won’t have to deal with possible failure and the shame that comes with it.
Of course, as a result, we will not achieve what we would like and could, but on the other hand, that part of us that is insanely afraid of shame will feel safe – at least temporarily.
If we bring hidden shame to the surface, then we give ourselves more options to choose from. If we just let it stay, we can gradually learn to feel tenderness and care for that feeling of shame—and for ourselves.
We recognize that it is perfectly natural to experience shame from time to time. As writer Kimon Nikolaidis said, “The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you can fix them.”
If shame remains hidden, then it continues to imperceptibly exert its destructive effect. By realizing, perhaps with the help of a therapist, that shame lurks deep within our psyche, we can bring it to light, dissolving its grip on us, and begin to live more prosperous and joyful lives.