The first time after meeting, he charms us with tact and concern for our interests. We easily establish relationships with him and even marry. And only then we find out: with external softness and conflict-freeness, this person finds other ways to take out the accumulated resentment. Coach Katie Meyer talks about what drives a passive aggressor.
As usual, appearances are deceiving: behind the apparent calmness and friendliness of such a person, there is a fear of conflict. We mistakenly take this for the ability to abstract from the situation, treat it with humor, forgive, but other motives guide the passive aggressor.
He never acts directly
This person will say and do what you expect from him: the wife will go to the action movie that you have long wanted to watch, although she is not interested in the genre. She will not show that she was bored for two hours. When you return home and are in the mood to make love, he will refuse you under the pretext of a headache. She understands that in this case you will not be able to openly show discontent, and thus will punish you.
Behavior is based on the fear that the partner will reject him for negative feelings and emotions
The passive aggressor is a master at camouflaging true feelings, so deep intimacy with him is impossible. Why does he do it? The explanations often lie in childhood: most likely, his parents rewarded him with love only for good behavior, which did not imply tears and whims. Such a person takes the habit of building relationships under the guise of a good boy or girl into adulthood.
At the heart of his behavior is the fear that the partner will reject him for negative feelings and emotions, without which a sincere connection is impossible. He prefers to shy away from rapprochement and at the same time suffers from the impossibility of being himself.
He feels like a victim
He always considers himself a victim of circumstances. If you refuse to admit it, gradually it will start to make you feel guilty.
Your spouse is late for your anniversary dinner and doesn’t understand why you’re outraged. He was forced to work late, tired, and you could sympathize with him. In fact, he punishes you for the offense that he did not forget, but did not find the strength to voice directly. He blamed the boss for forcing him to work overtime, and now he is the victim of both an intolerable boss and a woman who is not able to understand him.
Sooner or later, a passive aggressor will make you think that you are ungrateful and selfish.
Such a person wants rapprochement and at the same time is afraid of attachment “It turns into a continuous struggle that such people are waging with themselves,” writes Scott Waltzer in The Man with Passive Aggression: How He Punishes You. — He is desperately afraid of loneliness and does not feel self-sufficient. At the same time, he cannot bear the thought that he is psychologically dependent on you, and he makes great internal efforts to prove to himself and to you that he can do without you. The constant feeling of failure pushes him to punish you for your hated addiction.”
Sooner or later, the passive aggressor will make you think that you are ungrateful and selfish. Otherwise, this kind and considerate person would not reject you in bed and would be ready to resolve controversial issues. If you live with guilt and resentment, he will do everything to keep you in this captivity. While you are together, he will make sure that the right moment for a frank conversation never comes.