What prevents us from healing childhood traumas

“Why does it take us so long to get rid of the consequences of psychological trauma caused in childhood by the mother?” This is the question I get asked most often. This is usually followed by something along the lines of: “I, too, have been visiting a psychotherapist for many years, but for some reason I still haven’t recovered. How can I recover faster?

Although I am neither a psychologist nor a psychotherapist, I myself am an unloved daughter and have been researching and describing the problems of the relationship between mothers and daughters for almost 20 years. Working on another book made me seriously think about the problem. Here are some considerations that will be helpful on the path to healing.

Sometimes we get in the way of healing

The defenses that helped us cope with sadness and resentment in childhood, and the armor that we used to hide ourselves from pain, continue to unconsciously manifest in our behavior. It undermines the ability to develop emotionally.

Many women will readily confirm that they understand intellectually that the relationship with the mother cannot be fixed if she herself does not want it, but it is difficult to accept it on an emotional level.

Elaine, 43, told me this: “I walk in circles. I set clear boundaries and make it clear that I will not tolerate certain behavior, and then my sister says she misses me a lot, or my mother sends a plaintive message … and I come back. Guess what happens next? Everything becomes as before, then I again set the boundaries, and so on without end.

I even coined the phrase “return to the well” about this. We know intellectually that the well is dry, but emotionally we hope that it is not. For the first 20 years of my adult life, I did this again and again.

see the obstacle course

Such behavior often occurs unconsciously, so first you have to take a closer look at yourself, your behavior and typical reactions. We must understand which of the following applies to us. The main thing is not to blame yourself for the fact that you are doing something wrong or something does not work out. I list all of these common obstacles to help you move forward, not to give you another reason to blame yourself.

1. Hope for a «magic wand»

Unloved children, even in adulthood, want to be «normal» — that is, they would like their family to respect each other’s boundaries, and their mother to be loving and caring.

Many adults continue to hope and search for a «magic wand» or try to achieve a «moment of epiphany», as is usually the case in the movies, in one moment the mother suddenly realizes what a wonderful child she really has.

But life usually follows a completely different scenario, and there are no magic wands.

2. Unrealistic ideas about healing

Many are unhappy that the process of recovery and healing is too slow, and they can be understood. But the fact is that those conscious and unconscious patterns of behavior that became a reaction to the dislike of the mother were fixed for many years.

Breaking away from these patterns requires constant effort and takes a lot of time. Periodic «rollbacks» back are not excluded.

3. Impact of intermittent reinforcement

It has to do with the human propensity for optimism. As the experiments of B.F. Skinner, we tend to stay where we get what we want at least once in a while.

In one experiment, Skinner placed three hungry rats in cages with levers. In the first cage, each pressing of the lever regularly gave the rat food. As soon as the rat realized this, she went about other things and forgot about the lever until she got hungry.

In the second cage, pressing the lever did nothing, and when the rat learned this, it immediately forgot about the lever.

But in the third cage, the rat, pressing the lever, sometimes received food, and sometimes not (intermittent reinforcement). As a result, she developed a real dependence on lever pulls.

The same pattern is manifested in people — both in addiction to slot machines, and in relationships. The mechanism here is quite simple.

You send a message to your mother, expecting to receive either complete silence or an outburst of indignation in response. But she answers quite adequately and, it seems, even affectionately. You immediately wake up hope that she has finally changed. Without realizing it, you are stuck in one place. Yes, just like that rat.

4. Guilt and shame

I call this our standard settings, laid down in childhood. We are often convinced that we are responsible for the way our mothers treated us, because in many cases this is what they instilled in us, trying to justify themselves. This can be a major barrier to healing.

5. Self doubt

One of the long-term consequences of a lack of motherly love is that the child does not receive the necessary support at a young age. A loving mother with her attitude shows her daughter that she is in order, that she is loved, she deserves a lot.

Maternal support helps a daughter cope with her emotions and trust herself. The unloved daughter does not get all this and often begins to doubt her perception and thinking.

In adulthood, such women ponder every decision for a long time, deep down fearing that they really are what their mother imagined them to be — not smart enough and capable, unworthy of love, not able to make decisions on their own. It’s hard to make any progress when some part of you suspects that you’re making things up and the problem isn’t really with your mother, it’s with you.

Healing will take hard work, and it’s important to recognize the obstacles that may be in your way, especially if you create them yourself.