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What problems do young couples face today? Is there something unique about their approach to relationships, or does it all come down to familiar questions about choice, loneliness, public opinion, family budget? Psychotherapists talk about the most frequent requests of “Greeks”.
This generation grew up with opportunity. Including opportunities to meet potential partners. Dating sites, chat rooms, smartphone apps… The choice is huge, and this only complicates the task, especially when it comes to finding a partner for a serious and long-term relationship. Many Gen Yers (also known as millennials) are used to being able to get everything at once (read more in the article What do you want from this generation!: How do we get along with each other). Many psychotherapists believe that this approach is not conducive to the development of long-term relationships. What challenges do millennials most often talk about?
“What if I find someone better?”
Liz Higgins, Dallas psychotherapist
Millennials are often paralyzed by choice. In the information age, it is possible to search for the right partner through many different platforms, and this often leads to the so-called paradox of choice: the number of possibilities is simply paralyzing. This causes great anxiety and fear of miscalculating by choosing the wrong person.
Instead of feeding this anxiety, I try to shift the attention of clients. I show how they themselves can become worthy partners. By redirecting energy to self-development, they focus on that part of the «puzzle» that depends directly on them. This usually helps to remove some of the fears and worries associated with finding a partner, and begin to grow and develop.
“Why is marriage necessary at all?”
Tara Griffith, a psychotherapist from San Francisco
At the age of 20 to 30, many still do not want a serious relationship. For them, something else is more important — education, career, travel and new experiences. Some find a partner later, when they have already firmly decided on their calling, have achieved success in their careers and have a stable source of income.
The birth of children out of wedlock is almost never condemned. Many do not see the point in a marriage certificate, which can only potentially complicate things. Others devalue marriage because they themselves grew up in an unhappy family or witnessed the divorce of their parents.
«What does his message mean?»
Jess Hopkins, life coach from Los Angeles
Millennials often communicate through text messages, but text cannot convey all the intricacies of live communication. Attempts to understand the tone and intentions of the interlocutor, focusing only on words and punctuation marks, end in disappointment at best, and in a disaster at worst.
Many of the clients drive themselves into a frenzy trying to come up with the perfect response to the interlocutor’s message. They spend a huge amount of effort and energy on this. During communication, we receive most of the information non-verbally — we read intonations, facial expressions, body language. Therefore, it would be more useful for millennials, and everyone else, to communicate live or at least by phone.
«Why am I still alone?»
Rachel Keyzes, psychotherapist from Chicago
Often, millennials complain that their friends are starting to have families and even children, while they themselves cannot find a partner. And although people in general are starting to marry and start families later, many of today’s young people still worry that they either cannot find a partner for a relationship, or do not feel ready for this life stage.
“I don’t want to be financially dependent on a partner”
Liz Higgins, Dallas psychotherapist
Young couples often want to clear up financial matters, especially when it comes to their upcoming marriage. Money often becomes an instrument of control and power, which is highly undesirable in a relationship. People don’t want to be controlled or judged, and they don’t want to be financially dependent on someone else.
Partners should discuss financial expectations by analyzing various scenarios. For example, imagine what their family life will look like if one of the partners stays at home with the child, while the second one works. It is important to discuss the details and set reasonable boundaries.
Many couples have decided that it is better for each of the partners to open a separate bank account and, in addition to this, open a joint family account. Each couple is unique, it is important to understand which option is right for them.
«My partner needs to grow up»
Joyce Morley, Family Therapist in Decatur, Georgia
I constantly hear girls complaining that their boyfriends still prefer to «hang out with guys» and play computer games, while the girls themselves already want a serious relationship. The girl begins to wonder if her partner will ever grow up and whether it is worth maintaining a relationship with him. Of course, many hope that over time the partner will change and the relationship will become his main priority in life, but at the same time they are wondering if it’s time to stop wasting time on this person.