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In a conversation with him, it is important to show empathy and avoid judgmental statements. And some phrases will certainly not help or even harm, says American psychotherapist and writer Jennifer Rollin.
We all experience anxiety at some point, and that’s okay. Without this most important defensive reaction, humanity simply would not have survived. Anxiety mobilizes us in the event of a threat, motivates us to perform important tasks. But when a person experiences anxiety for no apparent reason, worrying too much about possible events that are too unlikely, if these worries poison his life, it is likely that he has an anxiety disorder. Psychologists name its three important features: duration, intensity and frequency of repetitions. Unfortunately, people around, as a rule, do not understand either the features of this disorder or the experiences associated with it. And they may, out of good intentions, give such people meaningless or even harmful advice. Here’s what not to say to a person suffering from an anxiety disorder, according to American psychotherapist and writer Jennifer Rollin (Jennifer Rollin):
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- Are you an anxious person?
- Do you have phobias?
1. “Calm down!”
Saying this to a person with an anxiety disorder is like saying to an allergy sufferer, “Stop sneezing!” In the case of a mental disorder, a person has no choice. Would anyone willingly choose this paralyzing experience of anxiety! And of course, if a person could control it, he would do it. If we say “Calm down!”, we thus devalue a person who is truly suffering, as if hinting to him that experiencing excruciating anxiety is his decision. Instead, ask what kind of support we can give him. But it is better to talk about this not at an acute moment, but when he is relatively calm.
2. “There is nothing to worry about here!”
If a person is worried about something, then it is very important for him. It’s not our job to determine if it’s worth the trouble. And again, such remarks are based on the assumption that a person is free to choose whether to worry or not. In fact, one of them, perhaps, understands with his mind that his fears are not realized in reality. But one of the features of such a disorder is that it is very difficult for a person not to believe the disturbing thoughts with which his own brain attacks him. Writer Kady Morrison knows what it’s like: “Here’s what’s especially unsettling about anxiety: you’re freaking out—and you know there’s no reason to freak out, but you can’t handle your emotions.” Instead of expressing your opinion about their fears or sources of anxiety, it is better to listen to the person with compassion and empathy.
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3. “I know how you feel”
This statement can only be useful if you know from experience what the suffering caused by an anxiety disorder is. It can completely subjugate a person’s life, and someone has to fight it daily. But if your own experience is limited to banal anxiety about some kind of exam, then you have no idea what kind of suffering a person with such a disorder goes through. However, you can truly support him. Learn more about this disorder to understand these experiences. It is best to tell the person that although you do not understand what it is like, nevertheless you are always there and ready to lend a shoulder.
4. “You are right in your fears”
Try to avoid any words that might feed his fears. For example, if one of your friends suffers from aerophobia, you do not need to describe to him the details of the plane crash that you heard on the news. It would seem that this is self-evident – and yet people commit such oversights. What you need to do is acknowledge his feelings. This does not mean that you agree with them. Don’t say, “You’re right: if you go to a party, they might laugh at you.” It’s better to say something like, “Looks like the thought of this party is bothering you. You’re worried that someone might laugh at you. I think it upsets you.”
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It is very important to be empathetic in conversation and avoid judgmental language. This attitude helps a person to at least partly get rid of the shame that he feels in connection with his disorder. Studies show that it is mainly this shame and fear of judgment that prevent people with this disorder from seeking professional help.1. And here your support and sympathy are crucial. Blogger Heather Rayne put it well: “A person with an anxiety disorder and/or depression feels as if they are trying to climb out of a deep, muddy hole with heavy bags. Each step is terribly difficult – even getting out of bed in the morning is sometimes a real feat for him. The simplest tasks are perceived as a daunting challenge. Nobody wants to experience this. And they don’t want that for anyone. But they experience it, and those around them sometimes get caught in the crossfire too. And yet someday the bullets will stop whistling, the smoke will dissipate, and a happy, fulfilling life will dawn on the horizon. Together we can achieve this.”
See more at publications of The Huffington Post.
1 S. Clement et al. «What is the impact of mental health-related stigma on help-seeking? A systematic review of quantitative and qualitative studies», Psychological Medicine, 2015, vol. 45, № 1.