It seems to us that life is endless, that we still have time to fix everything, start over, change, improve. In the meantime, you can live with the unloved, work at a job you hate, lie on the couch. But what if tomorrow turns out to be the last? What will we regret and what will we give up when we realize that there will be no second chance?
“How much I was worried because of the nonsense …”
My oldest friend was dying. We both understood that our meeting was obviously the last. And so it happened. The illness has changed her a lot – outwardly. Inwardly, she remained herself. Strong. Wise. Knowing that she had very little left, she thought about the dozens of years she had lived. And I regretted that I wasted time on empty experiences. And I tried to imagine what everyone would regret if they knew that life would soon end.
Psychologists and philosophers call this experience existential. Facing the passing of a loved one or an incurable disease makes us think about the value of life. This leads to thoughts about what to spend precious years, months, days on.
“Death is the condition that enables us to live an authentic life,” writes psychiatrist and psychotherapist Irvin Yalom. Describing his experience of leading support groups for cancer patients, he talks about people who lost the meaning of life, only to find it later and find true joy from everyone for – just when death came too close to them and turned out to be frighteningly real.
In one of the books, he suggests imagining: if you knew that after a certain period of time death would come, what would you want to change right now? A similar question returns to the topic, what is not worth wasting the precious time of your life on.
Asking them, I turned to books and stories of people who had experienced similar experiences and shared with others. Someone faced a serious illness, someone experienced clinical death, someone communicated with dying loved ones.
What many people talk about is still everyone’s personal experience. Even if completely different people came to the same conclusion. And certainly not everyone will agree with this list. Much depends on a person’s values, circumstances, spiritual and intellectual development, as well as a dozen other factors. And yet it turned out to collect what seemed really important.
What not to waste time on
1. Empty experiences. We worry about what the neighbors thought of us, whether a colleague will get around with a promotion or because of the eternal female: “why doesn’t he call?” We worry in advance that our children, who received the first deuce, “will become janitors.” We can stay awake, replaying the last conversation with the boss in our head and guessing what he had in mind.
No need to devalue your feelings – for sure they signal problems that are important to solve. And it’s better to start solving them already than to continue wasting time on useless unrest.
2. Unloved job. When I caught myself falling into despair every Sunday because of the “Monday syndrome”, and in the mornings I don’t carry my legs to work that has become unloved, I remembered what Irvin Yalom wrote, and realized that I was destroying myself , continuing to spend life on something that takes strength and does not bring pleasure. I remember the date of my dismissal from that job and still consider it a holiday.
3. Unhappy relationships. There are a hundred thousand reasons why people stay in toxic or unhappy relationships for years. This is not only about the absence of passion or the mythical unity of souls. No one is perfect, relationships can’t be perfect and fights happen to everyone, that’s normal. But if among all this there is absolutely no joy, moments of happiness, if the partner is a stranger with whom you are cold and lonely, then it makes sense to think: why not give yourself a chance for happiness?
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4. Unfriendly people. Friends who envy instead of being happy for you, colleagues who fake smiles and set you up. A mother-in-law who says one thing to her face and another behind her eyes – is it really necessary to waste time and mental strength on maintaining a “bad peace” with those who still don’t love you?
5. Violence. It seems obvious, but violence takes on very different forms. Someone lives for years with someone who allows himself to raise his hand against his wife and children. Someone until old age obeys an abusive father. And someone does violence to themselves, forcing them to do what they don’t want, often for the sake of someone invented and not worth it.
For example, to sacrifice personal life “for the sake of the child”, because the marriage broke up, and in the family it is customary to give everything to another, forgetting about yourself. And then, left alone and unsatisfied with her life, to demand such self-sacrifice from the child.
6. Money for the sake of money. Money is great, it provides a decent life, gives you the opportunity to buy what makes you happy, make your loved ones happy, travel, give a good education to children, and much more.
But when all the time and effort is devoted only to earning more and more, there is a risk of losing the taste for life and the joy of owning new things. “You can’t put it in a coffin with you” – many rich people came to this simple thought at the end of their lives. And someone even managed to do charity work, because a meeting with death can significantly change priorities.
7. Lies and excuses. White lies and situations where deceit allows you to save yourself or someone from pain – such situations are not excluded for anyone, and being categorical in this matter can be akin to stupidity.
But constant excuses and lies, behind which they hide and sometimes even lose themselves, take up too many resources. Sometimes it’s much more environmentally friendly to tell everyone the uncomfortable or unpleasant truth and stay true to yourself.
8. Envy. Emotions arise in us as reactions to events in life, and we should not condemn ourselves for this. Anger, for example, is a normal manifestation of human nature. But envy is a more complex feeling and can remain for a long time, corroding the mind and soul. But there are antidotes for it, and this problem is worth working on, because many people noted that it was she who took too much time and effort in their lives.
Is death just an illusion?
9. Nagging and quarrels with loved ones. Husband left socks all over the floor, son didn’t take out the trash, daughter got a stupid haircut, and you forgot some of your shopping at the checkout counter. In general, everything is terrible. There is a state when there is no strength and household trifles become the last straw. But quarrels because of this undermine relationships and take a lot of energy. Yes, the husband is not an example of accuracy, but he takes care of you in his own way. Raising children is a colossal job, and you are the heroine that accustoms them to order and tries to instill good taste. And a package forgotten in the store may not be worth it to go for it, it is better to give yourself a rest, drink tea and exhale calmly.
10. Existence “on a draft”. Will tomorrow come? We never know. People who were given a terrible diagnosis, as a rule, noted the suddenness and untimeliness of this moment. Not all dreams come true – that’s okay.
But if you have dreamed of getting a dog all your life and habitually put it off until later – think about whether something really prevents you from doing it now, and give yourself this joy. What year do you want to change your profession, but expect that someday it will come out like this? So try to take a step, well, or, as in a joke, at least “lie down in the right direction.” And if you ever had a fight with your mother and it gnaws at you, don’t wait, talk or write her a letter and tell her how you feel.
“Thinking about death, we become grateful, able to appreciate the countless givens of our existence,” writes Irvin Yalom. The frightening unknown that awaits everyone makes it possible to think about how to learn to enjoy life – not tomorrow or someday, but here and now.