Gathering the courage to talk about a difficult life event is never easy. This requires a lot of courage from a person, whether it is physical or emotional abuse, an accident, health problems or the loss of a loved one. How should one respond to such a revelation? What to say and what not to say?
It has long been known that recounting traumatic events can help reduce pain. However, many therapists, including trauma specialist Tova Means, report that their clients often keep things to themselves for years, afraid of being judged or judged, or ashamed of the “bad” thing that happened to them.
So, if a loved one decided to share something with you, you should take it as a gesture of the greatest trust. “Your reaction to the story will tell him how to proceed: whether to open up to others or better to keep everything in himself,” Means explains. – Most likely, your interlocutor does not need any advice, or solutions, or comparisons, and even more so banal phrases that “suffering exalts”. All you have to do is listen, show empathy and provide the support you need.”
WHAT PHRASES TO AVOID
“It could be worse”
By saying this, people usually urge the interlocutor to look at the situation differently, to see the bright side in it too. But by doing so, we devalue the pain experienced by our loved one, we deny him the right to suffer. We seem to say that what happened to him or her is not so serious and can hardly be considered a “real” injury. And it hurts.
“By telling us their story, a person is counting on us to recognize their right to feel pain,” comments family therapist Abigail Makepeace. “So, by saying in response that everything could be much worse, we seem to be ashamed of his experiences and unconsciously imply that he should be grateful for such an outcome.”
“It happened because you (didn’t) do it…”
This is nothing more than victimblaming – blaming the victim for what happened to her. It is understood that, had the person acted differently, the injury would not have happened. This is not only wrong (not all events, unfortunately, can be avoided), but also heartless.
“We live in a control-obsessed society, but the reality is that not everything can be controlled, and not always,” says trauma specialist Tracey Wadakumcheri. “Most likely, what happened already formed in the interlocutor a false idea of uXNUMXbuXNUMXbcausal relationships, a false belief system, according to which“ bad ”things can be avoided – you just need to“ try hard enough ”.
“It was the same with me”
By saying these words, we usually want to show that we understand what happened to the person and his experiences. But the first attempt by the interlocutor to tell you about his trauma should not turn into your monologue about what happened to you. Just give your loved one a chance to speak.
“It seems to us that by giving an example from personal experience, we let the victim know that she is not alone, but the person may have the feeling that his story is not important and not interesting to us,” comments Means.
Perhaps, in subsequent conversations on this topic, you will still have a chance to tell about yourself. If it seems that now is the time and your example can really help, first ask the interlocutor for permission to share your story. And limit yourself to a minimum of details: today’s conversation is about him, not about you.
“Everything happens for a reason”
On a par with victimblaming, this is the worst way to react to a story from someone who has been frank with you. In addition, it is not for you to decide whether the suffering of the interlocutor had a “higher meaning” or not. “When we say something like this, we usually try to calm ourselves, and not at all the interlocutor,” says Means.
“Looks like you had a hard time. Have you asked for help?”
In this case, the speaker’s intentions are usually the best: to make sure that a loved one receives support that helps him cope with what happened. And while it often makes sense to try to convince the other person to seek professional help, your reaction can give the impression that you yourself are not able to cope with what was shared with you.
“The victim is usually very worried about how the interlocutor will perceive her words, and such an answer, as it were,“ turns off ”the dialogue. You seem to “redirect” a person to a specialist, and he is unlikely to want to share what happened with you or with anyone else, ”explains Means.
HOW TO RESPOND TO AN INJURY STORY
When a loved one tells us about a trauma, the first natural reaction is to rush to solve the problem. Stop. All that the interlocutor needs now is your attention and support.
“It is important to understand that there is most likely no quick and effective solution in this case,” Makepeace recalls. “Right now, your task is to show your loved one that you are very sorry that you are going through and really want to help and take care.” The following phrases will help with this:
“I don’t even know what to say, but I’m very glad that you told me about everything”
You can’t find the “right” words – and that’s quite normal. The main thing is to show a person that he is not alone, that you are nearby and you can tell about everything without fear of evaluation or condemnation.
You can add: “I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to decide to tell me about everything. If you want to tell more, know that I am always there.
Support is not necessarily a solution to problems: the main thing is to show that you can be trusted even with the most “embarrassing” and painful things.
“I’m so sorry this happened to you!”
Simple, trite, but this is what the interlocutor, most likely, wants to hear. He cares that you see and acknowledge his pain.
“I can’t imagine how you felt, but I would probably…”
A moment of empathy: try to put yourself in the place of the interlocutor and imagine how you would feel if you had a chance to go through such a trauma. Perhaps you would be scared. Maybe unbearably sad. Perhaps you would be confused or beside yourself with anger. “Letting the other person know that you are trying to see the situation through their eyes is a lot,” Means says.
“How can I support you?”
Having said this, you will let your loved one know that you will not only not leave him, but also that you recognize him as an adult capable person who knows what is best for him. If you are sure that the interlocutor should seek professional help, offer it, but do it as delicately as possible: “As your friend, I will always be there, I will always listen and support. But I see that you are having a really hard time, and I can hardly help you with anything. Let me find a therapist who works with trauma?
Perhaps right now, a loved one does not even know how and how to help him, but the realization that you care about him, that you want to take care of him, will be a great support for him.