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After the coronavirus, some people continue to feel bad. Weakness, cognitive impairment and other symptoms can torment them for weeks or even months. How not to harm a loved one, aggravating his already difficult condition with your own words?
Lack of understanding of what the other person is going through is perhaps the main reason why we unwittingly devalue his or her experience and only harm, even if we sincerely want to be supportive. The situation with the “long covid” is no exception.
“The more difficult it is for us to put ourselves in the place of another, the more difficult it is for us to receive empathy and support,” explains clinical psychologist Naomi Torres-Maki. “The fear of saying something wrong also interferes, because of it we either slide into a “toxic positive”, or we prefer to avoid a painful topic.”
So how not to support those whose recovery from covid has turned out to be a long process? How to replace toxic and devaluing phrases?
“Don’t worry, everything will be alright”
First, we don’t know for sure if this is the case. Secondly, this phrase shows through the toxic positive that we mentioned above. “Saying this way, we seem to devalue the experience of a person and encourage him to suppress his negative thoughts and emotions,” says psychotherapist Nicholas Hardy. —
A better question is, “Is there anything in particular that’s bothering you?”
With this question, we recognize the interlocutor’s right to experience excitement and give him the opportunity to share his experiences, speak out, speak out. “The lack of a safe environment forces us to hide our thoughts and emotions or express them in ways that are not healthy.”
“At least you recovered”
This phrase demonstrates a lack of understanding of what a “long covid” is: it’s just that a person has not yet fully recovered and it is not clear when the symptoms disappear, many of which significantly reduce the quality of his life.
It’s better to say, “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now. Do you think there are any improvements already?
Demonstrate an understanding that the person is having a hard time, but also a desire to learn more, says the psychologist.
“At least you have…”
Even if the interlocutor, in your opinion, has everything necessary for the final recovery and / or he survived the covid relatively easily, this is not a reason to devalue his experience.
It’s better to say, “You must be having a really hard time.”
This is an invitation to dialogue, and it is always better than assessing someone else’s situation, writes Hardy.
“I know how you feel. I once experienced something similar, and it was terrible.”
“Trying to connect with the other by finding parallels and common experiences is natural, but often it shifts attention from the interlocutor to ourselves,” Hardy recalls.
A better suggestion is, “Tell me what it’s like.”
This returns the focus of attention to the interlocutor and allows him to share his experience, in a comfortable mode and using familiar concepts.
“But my friend told me that he felt like this, but now he is already fine”
Of course, you are just trying to understand the interlocutor, but in fact, instead of actively listening, you offer your own examples and analogies, without letting him speak properly. And, again, the positive experience of your friend does not mean that everything will end well for your interlocutor.
It’s better to say: “My friend, who had been ill with covid, told …, but I understand that it’s different for everyone. How are you, how are you feeling now?”
In this way, you will communicate some facts in order to build a bridge of understanding, but at the same time leave the interlocutor the right to speak. Focus not on a hypothetical positive outcome, but on how your counterpart is right now.
“But you look quite normal”
The fact that a person smiles and even partially or completely returned to his former affairs and activities does not mean that he does not have difficult moments, that he does not have to carefully monitor his health or undergo the necessary medical procedures.
Instead, ask: “Are you already able to return to some of your previous activities? Are you making any plans?”
All that is required of you now is delicacy and support.
“Hope you get better soon”
There is nothing wrong with wishing for a speedy recovery as such, but no one yet knows how long a person can experience the effects of covid.
Instead, remind them, “Just know that I am here and will always be there.”
“When faced with an illness, our loved one may feel misunderstood, isolated, or feel like they are being treated like a frail or a child,” explains Torres-Maki. “There is a big difference between asking if help is needed and categorically stating that the interlocutor clearly needs it.”
When in doubt about what to say, you can always just ask, “Is there anything I can do for you?” And, of course, to show that you hear a loved one and recognize the significance of his experiences and experiences.
Alas, it is hardly in your power to make a person feel better physically, but you can always surround him with understanding, acceptance and support, which he most likely needs now.