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Shock. Resentment. Pain. Rage. When you find out that your partner is unfaithful to you, it is perfectly normal to experience the most conflicting feelings: right now you can be angry, and in a second you can sob uncontrollably. How can you help yourself get over what happened? There is no universal answer – but there are things that you definitely should not do.
1. Immediately decide that it’s over
For many, the first natural reaction in a situation of betrayal is to run without looking back, and as quickly as possible. But don’t burn bridges right away. It’s best to give yourself time to make a decision. It is important to understand what happened, under what circumstances, what the partner says and how he behaves.
Is it about one night with one specific person, about a series of betrayals, or about relationships on the side? How does your partner feel about that other person? And to you? Does he repent of what happened? It may be hard to believe, but if the partners love each other and are not ready to give up, there is a chance not only to recover from what happened, but also to improve the relationship.
2. Hiding in the “emotional cave”
To the whole gamut of feelings that a person experiences, having learned that he has been cheated on, is mixed with the feeling that something is wrong with him, that he is a loser. As well as the fear of judgment from others. I want to escape from the whole world, close, drown out the pain. And although this desire is absolutely normal, it is important to live your emotions and learn how to express them.
3. Revenge
Like a breakup, revenge can seem like the most logical solution, especially when emotions are running high. And yet it is worth trying to pacify your own ardor and ask yourself: what will happen in a week, a month, six months? Will I regret what I did? Do potential actions align with my values?
4. Talk about what happened right and left
This advice would seem to contradict the advice not to close in on yourself. But its essence is to tell about what happened only to the inner circle, to those who will support you, and of course not to go into unnecessary details. If you have children, it is all the more worth thinking about what and how much to tell them.
5. Nurture the seeds of paranoia
Perhaps the loss of trust is the worst consequence of infidelity. Your partner’s every move now seems suspicious, and you may be tempted to constantly check their phone or even try to hack social media.
But, even worse, this behavior can persist in the next relationship, even if the new partner does not give the slightest reason for suspicion. If you decide to stay with the person who cheated on you, then both of you will need to work to restore trust in the relationship – on your own or with the support of a specialist.
6. Blame yourself
Cheating is always the partner’s choice and responsibility, but not your fault, even if there were difficulties in your relationship. Having lost trust in a partner, it is easy to lose faith in yourself and start asking questions: what did I do wrong? Stop beating yourself up – you’re all right. You deserve self-compassion.
7. Trying to predict the future
Another painful consequence of infidelity is the collapse of your picture of the future, especially if the relationship lasted a long time and you invested heavily in it. Your task now is to live in the present moment and take care of yourself as much as possible. At first, do not try to think and plan for a long time ahead – this will only increase anxiety. When you catch yourself thinking about the future, gently bring yourself back to the present moment.
Taking care of yourself here and now, in your today, is the best investment in tomorrow that you can imagine.