What messages are hidden by our lateness?

There are various emergency situations when everything gets out of control. Suddenly, a traffic jam formed, someone became ill, and we undertook to help, the neighbors flooded the apartment. Each of us will remember at least one such event that forced us to be late. One-time delays are rather exceptions.

But there are times when we realize that we designed our own delay, because we could well have arrived on time. As if something dragged us in, did not allow us to be punctual. And this happens regularly.

“A person seems to be unable to do anything with himself,” comments clinical psychologist Irina Gross. It’s hard for him to get that power under control. Usually such delays hide something interesting. I am sure that if every latecomer is worked on to realize what being late means for him and what message is hidden behind it, the answers will amaze with their variety. And it will be easier for a latecomer to understand himself, which means that he will be able to control this force.

What messages does the opponent of punctuality send to others?

Non-priority task

Arriving late may indicate that a meeting or event is not important for a person, it is more important for him to do something else. In essence, he conveys a message to those who are waiting for him: “You are not significant to me” or “I choose not you.” Often such delays occur unconsciously.

But sometimes we do it quite consciously. For example, we know that the first couple at the institute is guaranteed to be boring. Or we are sure that some process awaits us, for which there is no strength, and it is better to join later.

“At meetings with the CEO, the first 10 minutes are usually scolded. Moreover, raids happen from the threshold to the one who first entered the conference room. I got caught up in the heat a couple of times and decided I had had enough. Now I find “urgent” cases: I “answer” the calls of an important client, “solve” the problem under the contract with lawyers. I come a little later with a businesslike look, but I don’t get kicked out after such meetings for half a day, ”says 32-year-old Artem.

To attract attention

“I try to be the last to come to all corporate parties. I can’t stand waiting for everyone to get together. While you wait for the start, you will discuss everything with a good part of your colleagues, chat, joke. And then you come – and everything is already assembled. You can start – I came, ”says 28-year-old Anastasia with a smile.

Indeed, there is a category of people who never come to a holiday or meeting in the forefront. “Someone likes to come last, so that all eyes and interest can be focused on themselves,” explains Irina Gross. – The reason for such a delay will be an unconscious or conscious desire to attract attention.

The message behind this delay is: “Look at me.”

Fighting anger and fear

Eduard, 42, makes his driver wait every day. “I get up early and, according to all calculations, I must be in time. But then someone writes to WhatsApp, a notification comes from the mail, and I start to answer … I find that I was again delayed leaving the house. I’m terribly angry with myself for that.”

There is such an acquaintance who is constantly late for meetings, for a plane, train, and Irina Gross. He has to pay dearly for his lack of punctuality, but he cannot control this. “Once I asked him: “What happens before going out?” He replied: “I’m going, I’m checking whether I took everything, whether I did everything right. And this test seems to embrace me. At this moment, “thinking and doing” becomes the leading motive on which he focuses, forgetting about time. Some obsession.”

Such a person, on the one hand, directs anger at himself, forcing himself to carefully check and double-check everything, on the other hand, he is afraid of the condemnation of others. Did he really forget something?

“Speaking in the language of transactional analysis, then in the inner world of such a person, the controlling Parent begins to struggle with the adaptive Child. An intrapersonal conflict in which fear fights anger, ”explains the psychologist.

The pursuit of excellence

There are those among those who like to be late, who do not go out into the world before they are convinced that his image is impeccable. The task of a perfectionist is to bring himself to perfection.

62-year-old Alla, having dressed and gathered, looks in the mirror before going out and finds that the colors in the clothes do not match. “What kind of meeting can there be if I have such a dissonance in my outfit? I start frantically changing clothes, running from the closet to the mirror, looking for stockings, shoes of the right color, until I bring the reflection to the ideal.

Revolt

Often being late is a way to express aggression, sabotage, childish silence. “It is difficult for a person to express dissatisfaction directly, and he, most often unconsciously, chooses this way. Instead of a simple solution and a clear conversation, he comes up with many options in a hidden way to express his “phi,” comments Irina Gross.

The hidden message in this case is “I’m against it.”

Fear of being alone

“I had one client who, before coming to a meeting, always found out if I was there, and only then came. The fact is that waiting for her is something unbearable. She was seized by a panic fear of loneliness, ”recalls the psychologist.

The hidden message in this case is: “Be with me.”

Lust for power

“It happens that a student is late for a couple, quietly sits in a corner and is silent throughout the lesson. And it happens that he is late, comes in imposingly, attracts attention, and then takes power in the audience into his own hands. He will try to start a lecture, telling in detail the reasons for being late, describing the conclusions with subsequent advice, ”Irina Gross gives an example.

A person in this case needs power, and his hidden message is: “I can do it myself, but for now I’m afraid.”

Scenario from childhood

Sometimes being late becomes a habitual scheme of life, a kind of scenario received in childhood. “Remember your childhood: how did you go to kindergarten in the morning? Or some kind of meeting? What did the parents say? If you have often heard: “Faster! We’re late! Move! Wake up! Hurry up! Stop fiddling!”, then they probably received an unconscious program: “Hurry!” And now, out of habit, you need to be late all the time so that you have something to hurry.

To break the vicious circle, you need to learn to stop and tell yourself: “There is time!”