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When do we get into a relationship? When butterflies flutter in the stomach, love covers with a head, and the desire to be together blocks the rest? Or when it’s scary to be alone and you want someone to solve problems? Which motives can be called true, and which are false?
If we want a healthy relationship, the only valid motive for joining should be the desire to give and receive love. It should be better with a partner than without him. It should be nice to spend time together, travel, do household chores, move towards common goals.
At the same time, it is clear what we want from the relationship. Psychotherapist Irina Vinnik recommends that you first understand yourself: “The first thing to do is to understand yourself, your desires, goals, plans, lifestyle and priorities. Often we choose the wrong partners because we don’t know ourselves, we confuse true needs with those imposed by society, our desires with the dreams of our parents.”
Three criteria must match: interests, needs and goals. At least partially similar interests are needed in order to correctly allocate time: how much work should take, and how much rest, and to plan leisure. “To understand what level of life a partner is striving for, how he wants to express love and care, how often he needs to have sex,” the psychologist continues. “Finally, the top level is values: ideas about how a family works, issues related to raising children, attitudes towards lifestyle, self-realization, religion.”
Healthy relationships are possible only when we have learned to satisfy our basic needs on our own. The desire to enter into a relationship to solve problems or achieve goals is a false motive. Such an alliance will be unhealthy and short-lived.
I WILL GET MARRIED AND THE HUSBAND WILL SOLVE ALL MY PROBLEMS
Unfortunately, many are looking for a couple in order to solve problems. If we need a partner in order to satisfy a need, most likely we are building a co-dependent relationship.
Financial difficulties
“Alas, this is a fairly common situation: gender stereotypes, advice from friends and recommendations from gurus support the idea that a man should provide for a woman,” explains Irina Vinnik. — Such women are not interested in a man as a person, do not think about whether their interests and plans coincide. Financial position comes first. Relationships are not built with a person, but with a function. In such couples, problems quickly arise when it turns out that the views and needs of the partners differ.
Thoughts of loneliness cause fear, and in an attempt to drown it out, many begin to look for a mate.
For example, the husband is cheating, but the woman turns a blind eye to this and does not leave, because he satisfies her need for money. All co-dependent relationships are built on this: a person cannot leave, because the partner gives him something very important, for which he can endure mistreatment. In addition, behind the desire for financial well-being, the desire for emotional intimacy fades into the background, and when well-being is achieved, it may turn out that the partner has nothing more to offer.
Desire to leave parents
Tensions in the family or modest living conditions force the girl to look for opportunities to leave the family as soon as possible. She chooses a man to move in with, ideally to marry. The personal qualities of the partner, again, are taken into account.
Fear of being alone
Society imposes on us the idea that everyone needs a family, children, it is wrong to be alone. Thoughts of loneliness cause fear, and in an attempt to drown it out, many begin to look for a mate. A partner becomes a way to solve psychological problems, although it would be more correct to try to understand yourself and learn to be happy outside of relationships, which, perhaps, are not needed yet. Without satisfying our basic needs on our own, we cannot understand what we want from a relationship, and are doomed to choose the wrong partners. Maybe it’s time to stop searching and look deep into yourself?