What is inherent in our family is difficult to resist. It sits very deep in us. How a thread is woven into the fabric of our kind. Until we realize and understand how and why this affects our lives, we will continue to live with unwanted images in our head and pass them on to our children. How to counter this, says psychologist Brené Brown.
“In order to learn to see the buttons that turn on our shame, we must first consider the concept of an unwanted image. Here are the twelve areas of life most commonly shamed. These are: appearance and body, motherhood, family, raising children, money and work, bodily and mental health, sex, aging. Religion, stereotypes and labels, voicing opinions, psychotrauma. In every area, there are unwanted images that make us vulnerable to shame. For example, there is such an undesirable image that many women have described as “talkative” and “obtrusive.” These characteristics make it difficult to express a point of view that is different from the general one or to share one’s own (not necessarily favorable) opinions.
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- Are you prone to guilt?
- Why are you so sensitive?
The unwanted image is the very essence of shame, its causative agent, these are the characteristics that undermine our vision of the ideal “I”. Sometimes others attribute an undesirable image to us, sometimes we do it ourselves. It is unlikely that someone will describe themselves as an annoying talker, hardly anyone wants others to call her that. These hurtful stereotypes are often (and quite successfully) used to keep women quiet. We don’t even have to actually be pushy or talkative to be afraid of these labels: society has made us afraid of this in advance.
Where do unwanted images come from? The strongest suggestions and stereotypes come from the family of origin. Sometimes teachers and other adults in authority can also shape our thinking; however, parents and guardians are by far the most influential. I would venture to say that in every family there are respected images and, on the contrary, undesirable images that are considered as shameful, unacceptable or unworthy.
Read more:
- The shame trap: how to prevent others from imposing guilt on us
For example, in my family, the image of a sick person was undesirable. We didn’t talk about health issues at all. No, my parents did not speak of diseases and the sick with disdain, but I still grew up in the belief that illness is a weakness. Our parents did not shame us when we were sick, they helped and sympathized with sick neighbors and relatives. But when they fell ill (and parents rarely got sick), they treated themselves strictly. They carried everything on their feet. Barely recovering from the operation, they immediately got behind the wheel and drove to work.
And now, given that my upbringing was quite compatible with our general culture, which despises the sick, it is easy to see how “sick” has become an undesirable image for me. I didn’t have any problems until I got really sick during my pregnancy. I didn’t just feel bad: I was diagnosed with severe toxicosis – a condition in which a woman is very sick, vomits all the time and becomes dehydrated. I vomited twenty-five times a day, I could not keep even a small sip of water in me. As a result, I was admitted to the hospital with severe dehydration, and I spent the pitiful remnants of my energy trying to find out which room had the Internet and whether my husband could record a couple of lectures on camera that I could read without getting out of bed. Then the dean won’t have to replace me with another teacher.
Read more:
- Find an antidote to shame
I told Steve: “This should not happen to me, I am very strong and never get sick.” Finally he got tired of it. And one day he gently put his arms around my head and said: “Well, obviously, you are still sick. And right now, you’re not quite strong. You are human, just like everyone else. Now your main task is to be treated, and for a couple of months you will have to do without work. This is serious. Apply to yourself your techniques that expel shame!
I don’t think my parents deliberately told us that sickness was a weakness. Now that I’ve grown up, I can look back and see everything clearer and clearer. I am sure that the parents were also unwitting martyrs of this belief. They both grew up in families where the “disease is weakness” attitude was encoded at the genetic level. And unconsciously passed these genes to me. I had to work hard on myself in order to break this cycle and not transmit this belief to my children. And, as my experience shows, it’s not about what I say and how I treat others. I have to watch what I do and how I treat myself when I’m sick. It helps that I’m married to a very sympathetic guy. He often reminds me that “strong” is rather lucky, and when you get sick, the fortress has nothing to do with it. Anyone can get sick.”
For more details, see B. Brown “It’s all because of me (but it’s not)” (Azbuka business, 2014).