“I did so much for him, but he…” is a fairly common complaint. We put our whole soul into a partner and worry when we don’t get the same in return. Family therapist Eva Van Pruyen explains why this is so.
What does it take to maintain, energize and develop long-term relationships? Love alone is not enough, it is important to love a partner exactly as he needs. Many of us can’t get out of the vicious circle for years: we offer our spouses the kinds of support, care, attention and love from which we ourselves flourish, and in the end we only feel lonely, unnecessary and unhappy. It seems to us that the partner does not understand us. This, in turn, makes us defensive and provokes quarrels.
In such a situation, it is important to understand: what is your partner, how it works. In happy unions, spouses provide each other with detailed «operating instructions» that explain the structure of their inner world. They constantly use this information about their partner’s characteristics to give him the love he needs. It boosts his self-esteem.
During a session of family therapy, I observed such a picture. An energetic and sociable wife said that she was tired of always pulling her «lazy» husband forward. She constantly «pushes» him to new career achievements, and he practically does not react.
The husband, a very calm person, lowered his gaze. Perhaps the current job is not the limit of his dreams, but he likes the sphere itself, and besides, he is able to support his wife and eight-year-old daughter. Zhenya wants him to make more useful contacts to advance «to the next level.» The husband takes this as criticism. He admits to evading his wife’s «support». As a result, she feels unnecessary and helpless — she fails to motivate the man she loves.
The wife tries to motivate her husband, but thereby devalues his achievements and contribution to supporting the family
On the other hand, the husband complains that his wife does not notice his efforts or takes them for granted.
— We live very well, but I think that this is not enough for her. She constantly pulls me to parties and other social events, instead of staying at home and watching a movie together, having dinner on the veranda or going out together.
“I like the way we live,” the wife objects. “But it makes me terribly angry that you don’t want to try new things, meet new people. Feeling like you’re sleeping at the wheel of your life!
The wife tries to motivate her husband, but thereby devalues his achievements and contribution to supporting the family. At the same time, the husband’s attempts to force his wife to «slow down» cause her anger and boredom.
– Who is really inspired and inspired by this “motivation”? I asked.
After a long pause, the husband raised his head and said:
— My wife.
— And which of you blossoms from simple words of gratitude and appreciation?
“Husband,” the wife replied.
— It turns out that both of you offer the other what you yourself need?
Find out what love language your partner speaks so you can give him something that will make him truly happy.
Both chuckled. The husband was not helped by “motivation” from his wife, and she was not warmed by simple words of recognition. In fact, the husband could use this “motivation” to his advantage if he addressed it to his wife. The wife would become calmer and happier, feel more confident and more involved in the relationship. And if she had given her husband simple words of gratitude, both would have benefited from this.
When there is no mutual understanding between partners, they concentrate on negative points. There are more and more quarrels. Find out what love language your partner speaks so that you can give him something that will make him truly happy. The boomerang reward will return to you, and both of you will win.
Ultimately, the partner is what you perceive him to be. Trust him and he will do the same. And then you will live this life together, feeling desired and loved.