Contents
Why is it difficult for the daughters of people in uniform to find a life partner among civilians? How did garrison childhood affect the fate of adult women? What does a man need to know if he is preparing for a serious relationship with such a partner?
The childhood of these women can be described as follows: frequent moves, apartments in military camps, changing schools, new friends (and old ones only by correspondence), dad is always in the service and at any moment can go far and for a long time, or may not return at all, only a selfless mother is nearby, ready to quickly pack her bags.
How did these events affect the life, feelings, habits of girls? How did this affect their adult life scenario? Why is it not always easy for them to find a partner in the “civilian world”?
The memories shared by several women turned out to be similar in many ways, although they themselves evaluate them differently. The “school of a young fighter” helps someone, but hinders someone.
We asked clinical psychologist, Gestalt therapist Victoria Merkulova to comment on the biographies.
“There were many moves in childhood and adolescence, most of my classmates are scattered all over the country, I still meet with them. We have such a brotherhood of military children. Now, of course, I don’t live on suitcases, but I take a change of residence easily. But the loss of friends, his environment interferes. Then there were no mobile phones, there were no vibers and whatsapps. Corresponded by ordinary letters. Of course I missed you.»
Lyudmila, 50 years old
“As a child, moving didn’t scare me, on the contrary, I was always interested in a new environment, people, houses. I can adapt to any conditions.»
Elena, 33 years old
“We moved a lot, so now it’s quite difficult for me to live in one place. I try, of course, to accustom myself, but at least in a year I change the situation for a while.
Vika, 34 years old
“I have just a lot of friends, only they scattered all over the former Union … Someone is now abroad, and political squabbles, alas, have contributed to the relationship … But life has taught communication skills — this is a fact. It was in my military childhood that I adapted to live in society. There were a little less than a hundred children of our age with my brother in the town, and we built relationships with everyone, learned to value friendship, to be faithful and reliable friends.
Elina, 49 years old
“Friends and relatives often laugh at me: I don’t know how to lose things. More precisely, if I lose something — even a pencil or a comb — I will not rest until I find it. Due to frequent moves, I had very little of my own things. And I really value each one, even now that I have become an adult and I can buy anything for myself.
Irina, 28 years old
“We lived up to my second grade in the North, near the Plesetsk cosmodrome. They lived in a community of military families. I changed schools five times. There were always many children of my age, and all from different countries and cities, we had fun. We had our holidays. Nearby are brave adults. We lived in our own happy country. I had a sense of security.»
Inessa, 38 years old
“I envied my cousins whose parents were civilians. They could do whatever they wanted with their rooms. They hung posters with rock musicians, even painted on the wallpaper. I was forbidden to do this — our apartments were state-owned, and in no case it was impossible to spoil them.
Alla, 32 years old
High adaptability without deep attachments
“On the one hand, these women have a high adaptive ability, they know how to get used to and adapt to different situations,” says psychologist Victoria Merkulova. It’s their proven survival strategy. They have the ability to rewrite every time everything from a new sheet.
They try themselves in different roles: they stayed like that, it didn’t work out — you can try to be different next time. And life gives them such an opportunity. They, like in a computer game, can repeatedly pass the same level using previous experience.
On the other hand, no matter how they boast of a large list of friends, frequent moves leave their mark — an inability to deep attachments, an inability to maintain relationships for a long time is manifested.
It is especially important for them that at least something remains unchanged in their changing world, something to cling to.
Penpal friendships do not give such holistic relationships as live communication. This is not exactly the kind of connection in which people go through fire, water and copper pipes — when there is a difference of opinion, inevitable conflicts. In correspondence, especially with a delay in time, this is not the case. Relationships become refined.
In such a situation, we take only the best and maintain a slightly idealistic attitude towards friendship. It is especially important for them that at least something remains unchanged in their changeable world, something to cling to.
We build our identification, among other things, on interaction with the environment, for example: “I love rock, I play chess, I am friends with Masha…” If the environment changes frequently, then identity is at risk. That is why, with a seeming readiness for change, some things must remain unchanged. They can also be ordinary pencils. If the world changes frequently, some anchors are needed for stability.
Such girls do not develop the value of arranging their homes, nests. Formally, they have their own space, but there is no way to fully inhabit it the way you want. And even over the years, the attitude towards permanent housing is often preserved as temporary.
2. Mom, ready to follow her father to the ends of the world
“I am proud that I grew up in a family of hereditary military men. Yesterday I was just arguing that I, as the daughter of a military man, have a certain model of worldview: do not leave a man in a difficult situation.
Eleanor, 29 years old
“My parents went to school together from the first grade. And so my mother, who could have become a biologist, went after her loved one, closing her eyes and trusting … I don’t know who she trusted then: God or love. And all her young life she spent in hardships with her children and with her husband, who above all had a duty to the Motherland. My dad and my brother hardly saw each other — they were constantly on flights. But my mother was always with us.
This then affected my adult life, I also do not leave my children. I love partly with my mother’s love. She is the wife of a Decembrist. If my husband tells me right today that he is being transferred to the Far East, I will start packing my bags without a single complaint. A woman should follow her husband and support him in everything. After all, even the “rocks” are sometimes hard.”
Tatyana, 30 years old
If the mother felt good, then the girl in the future will just as easily follow her partner, despite the hardships.
“My mother and I learned to collect things during the burning of several matches. Moreover, there are not so many things in the house: we even often refused to buy something just because it was not clear how to transport it later. It was not known in advance what we would go on — by car, by train, or by plane. Luggage minimum is rule number one.”
Natalia, 26 years old
“To be honest, when meeting a person, I almost unmistakably determine that he is a child of a military man. With men it is more difficult to understand at first sight, and a woman — the daughter of a military man — is felt by some qualities that are common to us. This is both strength and weakness when you realize that a woman will endure many trials and never betray, but at the same time she is ready to obey a man.
Ekaterina, 31 years old
“Life taught me how to overcome difficulties. In Transbaikalia, frost is minus 40-50, while at home it is sometimes plus 5-7. They lived in the steppe (military camp), the boiler house was constantly breaking down, and it was cold in the houses all winter. I remember playing the piano with crooked fingers. I had to work and study no matter what.”
Lyudmila, 50 years old
Was mom happy?
“These girls had before their eyes the example of their parents, first of all, mothers, with their values and rules,” comments Victoria Merkulova. — There are two possible reactions: acceptance of the model and its rejection.
If the mother was unhappy (and it is not at all necessary to say it out loud — children read non-verbal messages perfectly), the girl will reject this model and choose the opposite scenario. If mom suffered, she would say: «I will never marry a military man, I will not put my life and my own desires on the altar of such a relationship.»
If the mother felt good and she easily treated hardships and hardships, then the girl in the future will just as easily follow her partner, despite the hardships. She will look for a similar man and will be quite happy in this partnership.
3. A man should be like dad — a man of words and deeds
“Courage and decency are required. With him next to you you always feel protected and you can get an answer to any question. Next to such a dad, you must always be strong, a kind of soldier. He strives for perfection in everything. In life, it is very difficult to find a husband like dad, an exemplary officer and a real man.
Elena, 33 years old
“I love men in uniform. Often my father’s soldiers, whom he knew well, took me to school, we were even friends with one, I called him brother — I always wanted an older brother. The service of the father left its mark on the image of the future husband. When I wrote a note last year after the Pokrov, what kind of man I want to see next to me, I got the image of either a military man or a man in uniform. Behind the form for me is fortitude, endurance, an iron word.
Vika, 34 years old
“I realized in my youth that I would never marry a military man. But then I realized what a real man is. The real one is dad and his friends. These are business people, not talkers. Who love — love so much. And if something goes wrong, there will be a danger to the family or the country — they will risk their lives without hesitation. I do not like liars, cowards and non-punctual people. I just take them out of my circle of friends.
Tatyana, 30 years old
The father and husband in the family are “king, god and military commander”, orders are not discussed. And it doesn’t bother
“For me, the ideal man looks like this: a man of words, a man of action, a man of love, a man of wall, a man of faith. I never doubted my dad. He was and still is for me. I chose the same person as my husband. And although he does not look like his father at all, he is not a military man, but the key moments coming from childhood coincide.
Svetlana, 31 years old
“Dad was a model of kindness, love, intelligence, justice. I had a sense of security. The dad you can only dream of. He knew the answers to all questions. He was stately and tidy. He had a lot of patience, as I now understand, a lot of tolerance. Raising strength and at the same time understanding that it is impossible to show aggression. He never imposed order. But we saw his habits and adopted them ourselves. And all his colleagues seemed sympathetic, benevolent.
Inessa, 38 years old
“I have an excellent student syndrome and a sense of adulthood since childhood. There is no word «I don’t want», only the word «necessary». Therefore, all achievements are necessarily through thorns. I’m trying to get rid of this cliché and enjoy all life processes, but it’s hard. Perfectionism raised to the tenth power. I suffer a lot from this, because I constantly feel discomfort. With my mind, I understand that everything “on a string” cannot be. But somewhere at the cellular level, it lives in me.”
Elina, 49 years old
Since childhood, it has been written in the subcortex that a man may not return from duty, get up on alarm and disappear for six months
“The concept of “officer’s daughter” was instilled from the cradle. This imposes some obligations on the behavior model. There is no right to liberties, rash acts, unworthy behavior. The father and husband in the family are “king, god and military commander”, orders are not discussed. And it’s not stressful.»
Alla, 32 years old
“Responsibility for everything that is done. And not only for themselves, but also for loved ones. How will your behavior affect your family? How not to tarnish the honor of my father’s uniform. They didn’t clamp down, but they asked for leprosy strictly: complete freedom, but within the framework of the concepts of honor and dignity. Parents always discussed everything, making decisions.”
Elena, 47 years old
“Since childhood, it has been written in the subcortex that a man may not return home from duty, get up on alarm and disappear for six months (dad served in the Navy). I myself was widowed at the age of 30. My husband had been ill for a long time. I won’t say that I got through it easily. But it could have been much worse if not for the «program» about the possible loss of a man. The possibility of death was not discussed in the family, but the understanding that death for the Motherland is possible, and this is an honor, was invested in us from childhood. It is as natural as breathing, walking or sleeping.”
Lana, 43 years old
Instead of dialogue, a set of rules
“The father of such a family lives in serious gender stereotypes,” says Victoria Merkulova. — There is a certain code of honor: not only standard requirements are imposed on him, like on any other man (strong, courageous, reliable), but also strict requirements as on a military man, in whom everything should be exemplary: both bearing, and uniforms, and family.
Such men are forced to always comply, both at home and in the service. The military and his wife have clearly defined roles: he serves, she supports the hearth. At the same time, they can discuss everything, but the relationship is often formal.
Daughters take them for ideal, but it is very likely that the father plays the role of the ideal man, and the mother plays the role of the ideal woman. Personal conflicts do not have the right to go out. No one has the right to be dissatisfied with anyone.
The wife endures a lot and often does not allow herself to cry, to give up. She also «keeps her face», like her husband. There is no dialogue, but there are rules, sometimes unspoken, because «it’s supposed to be.» Often mom commands at home, and dad, who is thunder and lightning on the parade ground, is submissive and obedient with his wife.
In the head of the daughter of such a father, there will also be a set of rules and the inability to conduct a dialogue. Everything that does not fall into this list will cause negativity and criticism, and often rejection.
In such a coordinate system, being a man of word and deed is the most appropriate adaptive behavior.
She will not be able to ask: “Why are you like this? And what do you think? And how do you want?» For her, the rule works: “I have it like this, because my dad acted like this, and my mother acted like this.” There are two categories for it: right and wrong. And she doesn’t need the «wrong» man. The world is divided into punctual and not. A non-punctual person immediately falls out of the image of a father, and the entire list of virtues flies off him.
Stereotypes work among the military: do not talk too much, you are ordered — do it. They don’t dream, they don’t plan for a long time, they don’t suffer from the choice of eating porridge or scrambled eggs — they eat what they give.
Such men live in a system of directives until they reach a certain level. And then they have a huge responsibility for others. They decide when the other person should eat, what to wear, where to go, and what to do. When and life to give, if necessary.
This is a huge burden. In such a coordinate system, being a man of word and deed is the most appropriate adaptive behavior. This is a kind of simplification, idealization of the world, but otherwise such men simply will not survive (sometimes literally).
It is impossible for civilian women to learn from the daughters of the military how to perceive a man, marriage and themselves — it’s just a different reality and a different consciousness.
And men, if they are impressed by the ability of such women to be a faithful girlfriend for many years, you need to learn how to meet their expectations: to become reliable, punctual, and in general, ideal.