The English expression “one night stand” describes a casual relationship without obligation. It used to be considered that the winner of such a relationship is more likely a man. But is it so today? Our heroines and experts express different points of view.
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More freedom
“We met at a party with friends, and he immediately attracted me,” says Vika, 35. – When we retired with a glass of wine, he made it clear what he wanted. Previously, I rejected sex at the first meeting, but then I felt that our desires converge. I didn’t worry, as usual, about being overweight, and that night I felt like a completely different woman – confident, seductive, breaking all taboos and norms. We never met again, but I don’t regret anything.”
People with narcissistic traits who are not good at building close relationships are easy to communicate without commitment.
“It’s a common belief that a relationship for a woman is built primarily on intellectual and emotional intimacy,” says interpersonal relationship coach Chris Armstrong. – This installation for many years prevented both partners from liberating themselves.
Sex without commitment, where both parties have the opportunity to be extremely frank and not try to show their best side in the hope of continuing the relationship, can help a woman relax as much as possible and gain greater bodily freedom.
Even if we try to play sexual games with a regular partner, we often fail to completely disconnect from the usual scenario of relationships, including in sex.
“Connecting with a person you almost don’t know gives you the opportunity to be in a new role and often through sex to find that new facet of yourself that you didn’t know about before,” the expert believes.
And what about love?
“I am completely calm about agreeing to have sex with a person I like,” says Marina, 28. Even if we don’t see each other again. Before, I was convinced that this was impossible without deep attachment. But now I understand – it’s enough just to feel sympathy and be sincere with each other. This does not mean that I put an end to close relationships. But so far I have not found a suitable man and I see no reason to deny myself the pleasures of life.
Alena, 38, admits that she has never had sex without obligations with someone she is in love with: would it be? I do not rule out that a serious relationship can be born from such an adventure, because life is unpredictable. But I understand perfectly well that it is a mistake to decide on sex if deep down you are looking for partnerships. Relationships for one night – about another. First of all, it’s about fun and play.”
Inga, 29, speaks negatively about this experience: “We were colleagues at work and, as it seemed to me, we always sympathized with each other. Everything happened after the corporate party – dancing and alcohol did their job, we had sex. However, he was clearly uncomfortable afterwards. At work, he pretended nothing had happened. I realized that he was trying to forget this episode, and it hurt me. Even though I didn’t want to continue the relationship, it felt like I was being used.”
“I was on vacation at sea, where the very atmosphere is conducive to a romantic mood. Perhaps, deep down, we just wanted different things. Although he did not promise me anything, after spending the night together, I had a feeling of special closeness with this man. And the next day he began to communicate with me, as if nothing had happened. I felt like I had betrayed myself by giving up something important, ”admits Christina, 40 years old.
Who is it (not) suitable for?
“Such relationships can hurt many women who have recently gone through trauma, divorce or loss of a loved one and have not found inner support,” admits Chris Armstrong. “However, it is also important that we are gradually getting rid of stigmatization: “a woman is an exclusively spiritual being”, “sex without obligations makes a woman unhappy” and even “this is how she loses her dignity”.
“The extent to which such a connection suits you depends largely on the structure of the personality,” says psychoanalyst Tatyana Mizinova. – For a person who is too anxious, this can be a psychological blow. He perceives the unwillingness of the partner to continue the relationship and its subsequent cooling painfully – he feels rejected and lonely. At the same time, people with narcissistic traits who are not good at building close relationships, on the contrary, easily make connections without obligations – for them this rarely turns into a trauma.
It is the choice of each side. And personal responsibility to oneself for possible psychological consequences
The main problems arise if the desires of the partners do not match. For women, sexual intimacy more often than for men means the unspoken beginning of a relationship. If this does not happen, they may feel cheated and used. Men perceive this as a mutual agreement to have fun. They do not want to intentionally hurt their partner, rather, there is a substitution of expectations.
“Obviously, in modern realities, we cannot continue to think in the paradigm of patriarchal attitudes, when “a man takes” and “a woman gives,” the expert believes. Sex without commitment is neither good nor bad. It is the choice of each side. And personal responsibility, first of all, to oneself for possible psychological consequences.
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About expert
Tatyana Mizinova – psychoanalyst, President of the European Association for the Development of Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy (EAPP).