It happens that partners value each other, they want to continue the relationship, but something is wrong with sex. And I really want to correct and improve this important area of relations. Which specialist to contact? What do we need to understand when asking for help?
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When we find that our sex life has ceased to bring joy, we are only dealing with the consequences, and finding the cause is often beyond our power. Harmonious sex is one of the indicators of the quality of life. And dissatisfaction, like a warning light, indicates that something needs to be corrected. And this “something” can lie in different spheres.
Therefore, you should not wait for it to “pass by itself”, or seek advice from friends – it is better to contact a sexologist who will discover the true cause of the trouble. When should you go for an appointment? This question can be answered briefly (and both of our experts, both the physician and the psychologist, agree on this): immediately – as soon as one or both partners feel dissatisfied with their intimate life.
It may seem to us that we are able to fix everything on our own, in a confidential conversation with a partner. But many find it difficult to speak out because of fear of hurting a loved one, lack of words, out of habit, or because we do not understand our own desires. Strong emotions can arise that will lead the conversation to the wrong place.
The specialist creates a comfortable atmosphere, controls and directs the conversation in a constructive direction. He collects the necessary information and interprets based on knowledge and experience. But what exactly is a specialist?
There is a choice
Both physicians and psychologists work in sexology. The difference is that the latter act as consultants. “A psychologist can explain and enlighten, but he has no right to give medical recommendations and prescribe treatment,” explains Yuriy Prokopenko, a sexologist and psychotherapist. – Sexual disorders are determined by psychological causes often, but not always.
And only a sexologist can understand the situation, give reasonable and effective recommendations, provide both medical and psychotherapeutic treatment, that is, one who has a specialized medical specialty: a psychiatrist, therapist, urologist, gynecologist, endocrinologist, who has also specialized in sexology . After all, sexology is a separate medical discipline.”
It is desirable to look for a specialist in a licensed medical institution or in reputable professional communities. But in addition to certificates, his ability to accompany the patient, his experience and methodology matter. As in any therapy, it is important to feel trust, to see that you are understood and respected.
Myths about the norm
In more than half of cases, sexual problems begin “from the head,” says family psychologist and sexologist Anna Koteneva, who has been working in the field of sexual education for 25 years: “Many men are worried – “Am I doing everything right, are my sizes” – exclusively under the influence of sexual myths.
The discrepancy between one’s own preferences and public opinion gives rise to anxiety, which over time can lead to somatic manifestations – weakening of desire, erectile dysfunction or ejaculation. Or one of the partners begins to evaluate the other according to the standards of these myths, and this destroys the sexual harmony of the couple. Meanwhile, everyone’s sexuality is very different, and a wide variety of individual characteristics perfectly fit into the norm.
We are told about efficiency from all sides, but sex is definitely not an area where it is important to achieve the set indicators. If the sexual act satisfies the participants, statistics can be forgotten in good conscience. “You don’t have to follow someone else’s ideas, focus on your relationship and the uniqueness of your own enjoyment,” confirms Anna Koteneva.
We are so different
Sexual opportunities depend both on physical health and lifestyle, as well as on innate temperament and personal history. The same can be said about sexual problems: most of them are related to both physiology and psychology.
Despite the stream of advertising promising universal miracle cures for increasing potency, it is better to contact a sexologist. “I got stuck in a business project,” recalls 38-year-old Sergei. “Things were going rough, and failure was threatening disaster. I spent the day and night at work, it was not up to bed. Thank you, my wife understood. But the project was passed, but the desire did not return. I took pills to increase potency, watched porn – nothing. The wife asks: are you cheating? I swore no, we went to the sexologist together. He prescribed me sedatives and referred us to family therapy. Relations are getting better.”
Similar problems may have different roots, so the advice of others does not always work for us. “It was painful for me to make love,” says 27-year-old Alina. – I complained to an elderly aunt, and she answered: “It has always been like this for me. Be patient, this is a woman’s share! Alina nevertheless went to the gynecologist, who discovered the inflammatory process. The treatment was successful.
What sexologists will offer us depends on the specific situation, but the spectrum is wide: doctors prescribe medications, in rare cases they recommend surgery. There are gymnastics to relax muscles and restore blood circulation, exercises to increase sensitivity, there are special techniques that enrich sexual behavior.
Psychological therapy of sexuality also has an arsenal of techniques. This can range from individual psychotherapy to deal with the consequences of traumatic experiences, to group meetings where participants discuss imposed social attitudes, correct erroneous beliefs, and gain information about sexual anatomy, physiology, and sexual behavior.
One and two
We do not need a partner to eat, drink, breathe… Sex is the only physiological need that is fulfilled in a couple. “Therefore, in the understanding of a sexologist, a “treatment unit” is a couple,” emphasizes Yuri Prokopenko. “And its task will be not only to restore the physiological health of each of the partners, but, first of all, to restore harmonious interpersonal relationships.”
Therefore, it is advisable to visit a sexologist together. Of course, this is not always possible. If so, then it makes sense to start with someone who is already ready or more motivated. Changes in the behavior of one of the partners will affect the other. But if they come to the appointment together, the problems will be solved faster.