Contents
How children grow up depends on their relationship with their parents. Are they demanding too much or, conversely, do they allow everything? Overly strict or emphatically indifferent? All these parenting styles affect the child in a bad way. What other mistakes do parents make and what can they lead to?
The American psychologist Diana Baumrind described various styles of parenting in the 1960s, and her classification can still be found in many psychology textbooks. Initially, she identified three different styles of unhealthy parenting and one type of healthy parenting. Since then, other scholars have been working on developing this topic.
Psychoanalyst and author Gerald Schonewulf conducted his own research and suggested adding six more types of unhealthy relationships between parents and children to this classification. Thus, there are only 9 of them. If you recognize yourself in one of these types, then you urgently need to change your line of behavior.
1. Authoritarian
Their credo is “It will be as I said!”. These are dictatorial parents who primarily raise their children with punishments, not rewards. And often they punish children in a fit of rage. Children of such parents grow up intimidated, insecure, embittered and unadapted to life. Often in the future, they themselves become authoritarian parents, and the whole cycle repeats.
2. Indulgent
Such parents do not put any restrictions on their children, confusing love with permissiveness. They really need to get approval from the children, and because of this, they unwittingly give them power over themselves. Children usually grow up as spoiled egoists, they believe that everyone around them owes something, and when they don’t get something, they throw tantrums – just like in childhood.
3. Neglecting parental responsibilities
Some parents do not raise children at all. They are immersed in their own world. Sometimes they are workaholics who have no time for children, sometimes they quarrel endlessly with each other, and children are hardly noticed. Their children grow up not knowing themselves at all and completely unable to cope with life’s difficulties. They have low self-esteem, they are insecure and cannot do without the support of others.
4. Hyperopic
They only want the best for their children. In fact, overprotection is a manifestation of their unconscious fears and insecurities. They are afraid of life and do not give their children the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes and develop self-confidence. Children grow up timid and anxious (their parents were the same), they do not know how to cope with life’s difficulties and take care of themselves.
5. Narcissistic
Narcissistic parents use their children to meet their own needs. They don’t take care of the children, but the children should take care of them. Children have to tell them what they want to hear (otherwise they will fall all the anger of their parents), and sometimes they have to play the role of parents for their own parents. In other cases, narcissistic parents try through their children to realize their own unrealized ambitions (for example, in creativity). Children grow up lost and in constant need of help and support.
6. Multipolar
Often two parents have completely different approaches to raising children. The result is constant conflict. For example, one of the parents is authoritarian, and the other, on the contrary, allows everything. Children in such situations learn to manipulate their parents and usually take the side of the one who allows more. As a result, they do not learn how to build constructive relationships with others and grow up without understanding what healthy relationships are.
7. Dependents
Dependent parents do not want to let their children go, so they try to make them dependent on themselves. They make their life at home as comfortable as possible and make them feel guilty about wanting to leave and live separately. Such parents keep children in an infantile state, and it seems to them that they cannot live on their own. As a result, children suffer from low self-esteem, do not know how to be independent and defend their interests.
8. Isolated
Some parents live completely isolated from society and even from relatives and friends. They do not know how to build relationships with anyone, including each other. Therefore, often such parents raise children alone. Children do not learn to communicate and build relationships and also feel isolated.
9. “Toxic”
This is the worst parenting style. Such parents can belong to any of the previous types, but at the same time they diligently pretend to be kind and loving, hiding their “poison”. In Tennessee Williams’ play The Glass Menagerie, the mother is sure that she loves her daughter and always tries to help her find a job or meet men, but in the process deprives her daughter of self-confidence, as a result, she remains weak and shy.
Children of toxic parents often begin to understand what happened to them only after many years. If they complain to their parents, they just laugh, and if they complain about their parents to someone else, then most often they get something like “But aren’t you ashamed? She only talks about how worried about you!”.
This is the very only type of healthy parenting that psychologist Diana Baumrind singled out. Authoritative parents behave with children firmly, but without excessive cruelty and tendency to excessive punishment. They are open to dialogue. They teach children to build constructive relationships and adapt to any situation. They love their children and understand that sometimes love requires strictness.
Their children grow up to be well-adjusted, independent and empathetic, and this is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship with others.